mismatched, how can I help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
mismatched, how can I help?
5
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 1:51pm
Hi. I've been dating my boyfriend seriously for about six months, though we've been friends for three years, and, occassional lovers, before we got serious. He will be 41 in a couple months, and I'm 34, I've had considerable sexual experience, but, he only had one long term girlfriend before me.
Our sex has always been passionate, but he was so stiff and inhibitted, I begged him to loosen up, if he loved it as much as he said he did, because I was afraid I wasn't pleasing him. He obliged me, and seeing his erotic pleasure unfold is a sensual experience that brings us closer. He recently told me he wanted to try viagra, because he had trouble maintaining an erection constantly. I was against it, as, I explained that some loss of function was a natural consequence of his stressful job in journalism, the aging process, exhaustion, etc. He insisted it was important to him, so I aggreed, though was apprehensive about side effects.
We liked it, but, I really think the issue is nervousness. I never thought of myself as sexually intimidating, but, I guess I was wrong. I'm an alluring brunette, a lounge singer, known for skimpy clothing, and an outgoing manner. I never realized how shy he was, in general, and, about sex, in particular.
He is always playing hot or lushly beautiful music, to turn me on, we take hot baths together, candles, incense. Our communication is very good, I really love him, is there any way I can help? I guess his former girlfriend was a raging alcoholic, and took it out on him, and her child, my boyfriend seems somewhat fragile, though he loves me and my little girl, and spends a lot of time with us. I don't know what my point is, I'm just sad and confused. Thanks.
Amie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:29pm

I don't know what your point is either! He was uptight in the bedroom, you talked him into loosening up, and he has.

Is your problem the fact that he wants to use Viagra? Why? That's not a reflection on you in any way. Also, unless he goes to a good doctor that will give him a good physical first, he shouldn't think about buying it on the internet or any other illegal place. There ARE side effects that can be dangerous if he doesn't have an okay from his doctor.
A good doctor will also tell him that as long as he can GET an erection, he doesn't really need Viagra....that's for someone who has a physical problem GETTING one. Keeping it is another problem....and you're right, it's mental/emotional.....which AGAIN, has nothing to do with you.

As long as you don't make a big deal out of him losing it......in time he'll relax with you, and he'll be just fine.

I honestly don't see what you have to be sad or confused about. Be glad you've got a good guy who wants to please you....give him love and encouragement, and he'll get over his past "trauma". If you're making this about yourself, then stop it, because it's not about you in any way. It's about him. Make sure he knows you're perfectly happy, and you're fine with things the way they are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 12:59am
Yes, I insisted he see a doctor, to get proper exam, prescription, or just straight about the emotional side of things. I love him dearly, and am grateful to have him in my life, if I can ease the emotional part, I will be content. It's just sad to see someone you love reveal damage, but, the arina of love is for healing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 1:29am

Don't make the mistake of thinking YOU can fix him, or even that "love" can fix him. This is something he has to deal with on his own. He's already made progress! Some people CAN do it on their own, some need professional help.

Of course it's sad seeing someone so damaged.....but again, just the fact that you "love" him can't make him whole again.....because it's his inability to accept "love" that's part of his problem. From you, he needs time and patience. From himself, he needs to overcome his fears, alone or with help. You can't do it for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:13am
Yes, that's part of why we are together, we've both been wounded in similar ways, and are each working on healing our own, and growing together, as this is the first functional relationship for either of us. I wonder if some of the sensate focus work might be a good idea, since sexual performance is such an issue for him. He seems open to it, since he loves anything sensual, and often wants to build to intercourse, probably too quickly for both of us to be optimally aroused, past the initial stage. If I can stand it, but, I guess that's part of the fun. Any good books that deal with easing male performance anxiety?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:42am

Again, you can't just hand him a book and tell him to read about it. Would that it were so easy!

Have you ever heard of Tantric Sex? I don't know much about it, but I'm sure you can research it online. The basis of Tantric Sex is to focus on "pleasure" rather than "orgasms". It sounds like that would help both of you. It's all about taking it slow, and enjoying the "journey" rather than focusing on the "destination". There used to be some members that knew about it and practiced it....maybe they're still around to give you some information. If I can find a link, I'll pass it on.