Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Missing Pieces Making Me Unsure (Update)
21
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 3:53pm
Hello all. I've just discovered some disturbing news about my "fiancee." As it turns out, he is still married to his 2nd wife as on May 5, 2005 and he is in the process of getting the divorce. I have all of the fiancee's contact information. Should I contact her or just end it with my fiancee. Please advise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:31am

Yes Westridge this is extremly odd and simply does not add up. According to my ex, here is the timeline:

Nov 2004: Ex believed the divorce was finalized but soon discovered it was not. Ex had been living seperate and apart from the 2nd wife for many months.

Dec 2004: Ex and I started dating. Ex tells me that he had been married for 4 years and has been divorced for 4 years.

April 27 2005 (est): Ex proposes to me.

April 27, 2005: Ex emails 2nd wife to request prenupt agreements to file for divorce

September 2005: Divorce was finalized.

Now, again, this is HIS story. I do not know when the divorce was actually finalized or even if it was ever finalized because the County Clerk's Office will not release this information to me. The Clerk will only disclose this information to the husband, the wife, or the attorney of record. I'm trying to get in contact with the 2nd wife now to get to the bottom of this.

In any event, I found out about all this through my sources. About 1 hour later, my ex gave me all of his email addresses and passwords so that I could read all of his emails and I saw the actual emails on this topic in his saved folder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:35am
Thanks hon and, yeah, you're 100% correct. It's funny that my ex asked me not to be angry with his family since I initially believed that they knew all along but just didn't tell me. He disagreed and stated that they told him to tell me the truth right away. In that case, I told my ex that I'm not upset at his family, that it wasn't their place to tell me this, and that I actually thank them for giving me the hints. I was referring to his dad's comments about "not taking any sh*% from him" and his step-dad's statement that the engagement ring was actually a "shut up ring" . . . . . I
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 7:00pm

Don't you consider it a little odd that a man over forty with two failed marriages would propose after only 4-5 months dating? That seems to me that he is moving very fast given his history. I doubt that _I_ would be in any hurry to get married in that situation.

I also find it hard to believe that ANY man, no matter how casual and unconcerned that they may be, would not know whether or not he was divorced. I know that I knew the exact date that I was divorced and I even had a little divorce party when mine came through. And that was a relatively amicable divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 8:19pm

Yes westridge my point exactly. Any man in his position who "couldn't wait to get outta that marriage" would not only run to the courthouse to file the papers, but would also be the first to know when the divorce was finalized so he can throw a huge party . .

Funny thing is - the 2nd wife also thought that the divorce was already finalized as per her email to my ex back in May 2005. Her exact words were "OH MY GOD, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE JUST NOW GETTING AROUND TO FILING THE PAPERS . . . I THOUGHT THIS DIVORCE WAS JUST ABOUT DONE . . ."

How can it be that both of them are clueless about this divorce??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 11:43pm

So, he gave you all his passwords, etc. What make you think he didn't clean everything out that he didn't want you to see before he gave them to you? Or even add things, just to back up his lies?

As for the divorce.....I'm divorced, and the LAWYERS file the divorce papers, not the people getting divorced. My lawyer held mine up for a long time because my ex wouldn't pay him, even though the court said he should. He wanted to get married again, and he was mad that the papers weren't filed. The lawyer asked ME if I was in a hurry for the paperwork to be filed, and I told him no......take as long as you want till you get your money.

And just to show you what some creeps can do......my ex went right ahead and got married anyway. When he applied for the license, where it says were you married before....he just said no! (if you say yes, you must produce divorce papers!) They got the license, and they got married, which legally made him a bigamist! I didn't care, I was happy to get rid of him, but my lawyer threatened him with that, till he finally paid up. Believe it or not, I got that information from that courthouse in another state over the phone!

I think you need to break off all contact with him, and do NOT let him explain things, or make excuses to you. His type can sweet talk more than you realize. As for talking to the ex, you can, but that still doesn't change what he is. You got him out of your home, now KEEP him out....and get on with your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:55am

Wow dakine that's really f'ed up! What a creep.

The ex came over to move some of things outta the apartment last night. Although he'll be completely moved out on Saturday, this is what happened last night:

He basically talked me to death for about 1 1/2 hours. In short, he said that he had been separated from his 2nd wife since February 2004. Around that time both he and she signed petitions stating that the divorce was uncontested and that each party waived all rights to alimony and so forth. He claims he gave his notarized statement to her and she was supposed to file the papers with the County Clerk's office. They were basically trying to divorce each other outside of court.

Fast forward to November 2004: Ex states that he never received any additional papers confirming the divorce and wondered why.

Early Dec. 2004: He goes to the County Clerk's office and discovers that the papers were never filed and that he's still married.

Late Dec. 2004: We meet. I asked him point blank is he divorced and he said "yes." I asked him how long he's been married and he said "4 years." I asked him how long has he been divorced and he also said "4 years." I continued to ask similar questions about the divorce for the next 10 months and kept getting the same answers.

The Ex also claims that he tried to contact the 2nd wife from January to May 2005 trying to get "marriage contracts" and other items to give to his lawyer so that the divorce papers could be filed. He stated that he left messages for her at her job, cell, and with the wife's mom but to no avail. He claims the emails I read resulted from his lawyer serving the papers on the wife.

The Ex then says that the divorce papers have since been filed and that they are awaiting the final decision from the judge.

Obviously he lied to me about his marital status from the very beginning and continued to lie about this and the status of the divorce throughout our relationship, even through last night (the divorce was not finalized in November 2004 or last month and is still pending). I gave him several chances to "come clean" and tell the truth but, instead, he decided to lie, lie, and lie. I told him that he could not be trusted and that he is a very selfish and deceitful person; a big perpetual liar!

He agreed and admitted that what he did to me was wrong but also claims that he did not have malicious intent and he did those things because he was scared of loosing me. He stated that he knew I wouldn't even talk to him if I knew that his divorce was not finalized. Although that outcome may have resulted, that's the chance he had to take as I am entitled to make my own decisions.

I told him that his intent does not matter, the fact that he lied about something so material and continued to lie while knowing the status of his divorce speaks volummes about his character. He can blame it on being scared, stupid, or whatever, the fact that he was able to lie, deceive and manipulate me for 10 months shows what he is capable of. My ex even said that other people encouraged him to just tell me the truth but still he decided to lie. And although he swore to me that he would never do something like that again and that I can speak to his attorney and check all of his email accounts to verify what he's saying is true, I declined his offer. It doesn't matter what the lawyer said, what those emails say, or his intent. Who's to say that he won't act the same way again when confronted with this type of crisis?

Bottom line I told him that I could never trust him again and the type of harm he caused me will probably never be repaired. He suggested that we go to counseling but, to be honest with you, I don't think any counselor would able to restore my faith and trust in this man. He F'ed up big time and he knows that. He can't take back the lies and manipulation.

As a last ditch effort, he brought up all the other positive things he did in our relationship like never sleeping with another woman, always being by my side, helping me with anything I needed help with, etc. Yes I agreed that he was good to me and that this was the only infringement I had with him. However, the fact that this problem is SOOO huge in my opinion is more than any white lie could ever be. He lied about his marital status and caused me to be engaged to and live with a married man! Hell, it's almost like he HAD to be good to me for committing such a HUGE SIN!

So that's what happened. We both agreed that I need my space and he will be moving his things out of my house for good on Saturday . . . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 1:03pm

I am so angry right now I don't know what to do. How about my ex now wants his computer back!

Basically, back in May, my computer died and I needed another computer ASAP because my job depends on it! I went to Dell's website to look for a new computer. He gave me a computer and said we can use that one for the house.

Well, on Wednesday, we broke up and I told him that I am on dell's website right now looking to buy another computer. He told me to don't worry about buying another computer and to keep it.

Now this morning he wants his computer back. What a jerk! Now I'm going to be without a computer for at least a week (possibly longer) until I can get another one delivered! I'll bet you he's upset at the fact that I was on yahoo IM last night and emailing my friends because he kept looking at the computer screen like "What the hell is going on here?!!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 1:48pm

Aw, Gee......how terrible of you to get on line and tell people that you finally got rid of him! So, now you're being "punished" for that. He wants his computer back. Give it to him and good riddance.

If he wasn't around when your other computer died, you'd have gotten a new one, and it would have taken a week or so. So, now, it'll take a week. Nothing lost, just delayed!
In the meantime, you can always go to the library, or a place where you can rent a computer for an hour or two. My computer was down for almost a month, and I went to the library every few days.....it wasn't a big deal.

He sure did work hard to try to convince you about the divorce. You know, everything he told you MIGHT be true......but that doesn't excuse the fact that he lied to you about it from day one, and probably still would be lying if you hadn't confronted him! He can say anything he wants, but when HIS family members warn you about him, you know very well that this "lie" is only the tip of the iceberg.

Stay strong & don't listen to him. Give him his computer, and anything else he wants....it's a cheap price to pay for your freedom and SANITY! You're too smart for him! Thinking about your story, I recall seeing stories in the paper about super intelligent women, company executives, doctors, etc. being conned by guys. Even they didn't catch on! So you're even better than them, you sensed something wasn't right, you investigated it, and found out you were right. THEN you did the right thing, and ended it. Yesterday on Dr.Phil there was a woman who was trying to get away from a verbally abusive and controlling husband. She said he was abusive before they married, but she went ahead and married him anyway! I find it hard to have much pity for her! It's one thing when this sort of thing comes out AFTER you're married, but to KNOW what he's like and go ahead and marry him anyway.....STUPID! The really pathetic thing was that she said her children hated him....but she ignored that. I don't even think at this point she really wanted out, she wanted to know how to fix HIM. Dr.Phil asked these women, would you rather be sick and have a man, or be alone and be happy? That IS the bottom line.

You are definitely NOT stupid! More women should have the self respect that you have, and use their brains! Life will go on, and it will get better! Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 2:59pm

Thank you hon . . . I'm soo tired right now. My ex just called me at my job and we were on the phone for an hour discussing this stupid computer and other trivial items. For example, he had the NERVE to tell me that he was offended when I asked him to pay 1/2 the security on the apartment SEVEN MONTHS AGO and he wanted to know why I didn't offer to give it back now. Honestly, I forgot about his security deposit! I'm not a landlord so I'm not familiar with these things . . . . In any event, I immediately send him an email this morning (before the phone call) telling him that I will give him the deposit on Saturday. So no harm, no foul . . .

Instead, he goes on an on about how if I would've moved in with him, he would never ask me to pay 1/2 the security. So I asked "Did you expect me to pay the full security AND the rent? We agreed that we would share all expenses equally?" He said no but that I treated him more like a client in a business deal more than a boyfriend at that time. I was perplexed because we were doing business - he just signed a 1 year lease on the apartment at that time!

Then he flies off of the broomstick about how I placed all of his belongings outside of the apartment door last night. He said the neighbor accross the hall saw everything and he feels embarrassed.

I won't bore you with the details on this petty dispute but suffice it to say he is wigging out big time over there. He told me that he is having an emotional meltdown and he apologized for that. The ex says that he hasn't sleep in 48 hours, he's like a nomad (sp) wandering around trying to find a place to stay (I thought he moved back with his mom), he doesn't want to leave me or the apartment he loved so well, yada, yada, yada. Like I said, he knows he f'ed up and now he's paying the price for lying . . . .

And, yes, he's letting me keep the computer and he's still moving out tommorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 4:16pm

Good luck with everything.

Don't panic about anything that he says or does. He's coming to terms with the end of the relationship too and will probably still do and say some amazing things - he'll flip-flop between trying to be civil and nice about things so as to not offend you, and nasty and extremely emotional in an effort to hurt you and express his own hurt feelings. Expect the worst - he may still want that computer back amongst other things when he really comprehends that this has ended.