Mixed Messages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2007
Mixed Messages
11
Sun, 10-28-2007 - 9:20pm

Alright, so here's the deal.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 10-28-2007 - 9:58pm

Welcome to the board blackkitty132007.

I feel really bad for you! I once dated a guy that had a picture of the Virgin Mary hanging in his bathroom, and on more than one occasion, I caught him praying to it after having sex. He was raised in a very strict, Catholic, household, and was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I wasn't his first lover, and I know I wasn't his last, but he somehow justified that praying to this statue would help him with his sins.

It sounds to me like your BF is having conflicting feelings, battling his own emotions about what he believes vs. what he's doing. You can listen to him, you can try to support him, and even try to encourage him, but in the end, it's really a battle that he has to fight.

Have you told him how this is making you feel? In a lot of ways, it's not really fair of him to work this out "outloud" and make you feel badly, kwim? You each have your own views of pre-marital sex, and it seems as if he is sharing this with you so that you can bare part of the burden of his guilty feelings. When he does start to discuss this, I would let him know that you don't think what the two of you are doing is wrong.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 10-28-2007 - 11:08pm
I
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 12:00am

I think that the next time you see him and he starts initiating sex........that you should tell him "NO......it's against your beliefs."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 10-29-2007 - 12:40pm

I agree, I couldn't handle that either.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 9:00pm
When I first started having sex, I believed that sex before marriage was wrong. So did my bf at the time. It was very difficult to get past the fact that I was a sexual being, whether or not I liked it. We would both feel bad about it, and try to not do it, but of course, we would end up having sex. For me, it was about a year before I didn't feel bad about it anymore. I sort of had to come to terms with the fact that I could either do what came naturally, or fight against myself. That is when I really started to question my beliefs on sexuality, and now I don't believe that premarital sex is wrong at all. I don't think that down the road he will say he can't see you anymore, although that could happen. It really depends on what he really believes. I would talk to him about it and tell him how you are feeling. Talk to him about your concerns. That would be the best advice I could give you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2007
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 12:57am

A long, long time ago I believed that sex before marriage was wrong, but I don't anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 4:30pm

Well, Rachel, I think you have already stated your answer. You said:

"He wants me to commit to this "no sex before marriage" thing, but I just can't. It's so wrong to not do what comes naturally. Too many restrictions for me."

I think that you need to make that clear to him, that you desire a healthy sexual relationship, and if you can't have that with him, then you won't be happy. Limiting yourself to kissing and cuddling will do nothing but frustrate you and may even build resentment down the road.

Since you did also believe, when you were younger, that sex before marriage was wrong, it does help you to understand where he is coming from, and that is great! But, you are not at that stage anymore and you want something different from that. If you aren't true to yourself, no matter how great of a guy he is, you won't be happy if your relationship continues to be sexless. For those of us who know who we are as sexual beings, it is pretty much impossible to deny ourselves of that aspect of life. No, sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but it IS a very important part.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 7:30pm

Hi,


This is my opinion, this may not be your case; I apologize in advance for being blunt!


I belive that he has double standards. He is probably thinking sex before marriage for a woman is wrong.


What's good for the gander is not good for the him as it seems!


He is having his fun, when it comes time to settle and get married he will probably seek a virgin.


Was he a virgin before the experience with you? If not, I'd say that he is definitely in for a short time and not for the long haul.


Stating his objection to premarital sex initially could have been his test to sort the good time girl (in his mind) from the keeper in my opinion.


People with strict moral or religious values on premarital sex tend to show a little more control, second date sex certainly doesn't exemplify any control in my opinion. Coming prepared with condoms on the third....well, I'll say no more....


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2007
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 1:22am
I don't think he has double standards.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 10:00am

Rachel, he's sitting on both sides of this fence, and he's dragging you across the barbed wire at the top! How old is this guy, anyway?

If he's struggling with his sexual issues, then he should seek some counsel from a clergyman or a therapist. You shouldn't be confused -- give him the space he needs to get his act together, and if you're relationship is all that it should be, he'll come back with his head on straight.







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