morality?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
morality?
5
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 9:36pm
hi, my name is brighteyz1985, and i am a serial cheater, and probably the lowest life form there is.
i thought with my new man things would be different - in fact, we're getting married, even after coming up with the shock that i have HPV and we don't know who got it from who.
but no, i lasted seven months. and i wasn't intending to cheat, and here's where the lowest of the low comes in - it was with a guy who's been dating another girl for two years and seven months. now admittedly he put the moves on me first, but i didn't really discourage him. even lower - after a little less than half a bottle i wasn't really making good decisions, and i'm not going to make excuses for it.
ever since i found out about my HPV (which is fully treated now, though will linger in my system forever, like all carriers of HPV), i've been drinking a lot more - and i'm not really the type. before this, i would have a drink about once every three weeks, and maybe get buzzed/tipsy once every two months and drunk once every six. now i've been DRUNK three times in the last six weeks.
here's the lowest part - i never felt bad about cheating before. now i have a drunk one night stand and i feel awful - which i should.
what should i tell my one-night partner? now this not only affects him but his girlfriend too. and what about my man? how can i cope better with this guilt?
i know i deserve to be reamed, and i need to accept the responsibility of my actions, but i didn't come here to get spat on, i came for help. if anyone can help, please do so...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2007
In reply to: brighteyz1985
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 11:12pm
Hey. I've never been in your situation but I can see how that could happen. You should tell your one night partner that you made a mistake and have HPV and it could have passed onto him and you can not see him again and you're really really sorry and he needs to tell his girlfriend. Your SO... you need to come clean. Expect him to be angry, how could he not? But dont make excuses, just appologize. Give him time if that's what he needs. If you live with him, expect to stay somewhere else for a few days after you tell him. He may not want you to be around him. Hopefully he'll find it in his heart to forgive you and hopefully you'll never make this mistake again. I'd also seek some kind of couples therapy and/or individual therapy to get to the bottom of the reasons behind the cheating and rebuild the trust between you and your SO. Good luck with everything and I hope this helped.
~Jamie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
In reply to: brighteyz1985
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:07am
No one on a message board can help you. You need professional help.....to figure out why you despise yourself so much that you continually practice self destructive behavior. Don't worry about guilt.....guilt solves nothing. Find out WHY you do these things to yourself so that you can STOP doing them, and then you won't have to worry about guilt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: brighteyz1985
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 2:28am

I'm not sure what you want us to tell you. You make it sound like the guilt of this is driving you to drink - maybe it is. Maybe you're just using one self-destructive lifestyle choice to rationalise another self-destructive choice now that the first one didn't destroy your relationship as you anticipated it would?

You keep saying that you take responsibility but I'm not sure that you really are. Noone "intends" to have a one-night stand, but you did, and it is a choice and despite your claims of taking responsibility I'm not convinced that you really are. The whole situation that you put yourself in is a choice. As for the morality of it? That's entirely up to you. Do whatever you want to do yourself, but when you start affecting other people with your actions, THAT'S when you should start to think about what you are doing. In your case, your actions are clearly affecting other people.

What to do? Why tell your one night partner anything? It might be a nasty surprise but there ain't a lot that he can do about it now. I doubt that he's tell his g/f anyway.
Anyway, he might have given you something worse in return...

As for your partner?
Will he ever find out about it? Are you going to cheat on him again?
I don't think that you should tell him. Not if he'll never find out. Don't pass your guilt off onto him. No reason to make yourself feel better by making him feel worse. But if you are going to cheat on him again then I think that you should tell him, and break up with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: brighteyz1985
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 7:41am

If you are serious about getting help then get professional help and find out why you continue doing things that are self-destructive.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
In reply to: brighteyz1985
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:55pm
If you have guilt it means you are probably not a sociopath, and do have a conscience. That means you are probably helpable, but, like everyone said, you need professional help. There are support groups and therapists who could help you. If you just say you want help every once in a while, without truly meaning it, at last try and be respectful enough not to get involved and potentially ruin someones life, both physically and emotionally.