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| Fri, 08-13-2004 - 9:36am |
do you feel due to porn being at everyones fingertips we are in the midst of an experimental era and really do not know how it touches relationships? i have read that as long as it does not interfere with the relationship it is healthy, but i do not see that as making much sense. just because one is indifferent or accepting of pornography does not alter facts. put another way if one is a porn addict and the partner finds nothing wrong wit ti they are still an addict. i came across this article and it scared me and i am still not sure what is considered excessive or how you determine what is a healthy amount of porn and i would like to hear your opinions.
http://www.time.com/time/2004/sex/article/the_porn_factor_in_the_01a.html
The Porn Factor
In the Internet age, pornography is almost everywhere you look. But what is it doing to real-life relationships?
By Pamela Paul
January 19, 2004 Health
In a Friends episode titled "The One with Free Porn," Chandler and Joey discover to their delight a free pornography TV channel, which they leave on and watch endlessly for fear it will go away. Later, a startled Chandler reports to Joey, "I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it in the vault." Joey describes a similar cold shoulder from the pizza-delivery woman. "You know what?" Chandler concludes. "We have to turn off the porn."
Chandler may be on to something. Call it the porn factor. Whereas pornography was once furtively glimpsed at dimly lighted newsstands or seedy adult theaters, today it is everywhere. It pours in over the Internet, sometimes uninvited, sometimes via eagerly forwarded links (Paris Hilton, anyone?). It titillates 24/7 on steamy adult cable channels and on-demand services (the pay-per-view reality show Can You Be a Porn Star? made its debut this month). It has infiltrated mainstream cable with HBO's forthcoming documentary series Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley. And in ways that have only begun to be measured, it is coloring relationships, both long-and short-term, reshaping expectations about sex and body image and, most worrisome of all, threatening to alter how young people learn about sex.
In recent years, a number of psychologists and sociologists have joined the chorus of religious and political opponents in warning about the impact of pervasive pornography. They argue that porn is transforming sexuality and relationships—for the worse. Experts say men who frequently view porn may develop unrealistic expectations of women's appearance and behavior, have difficulty forming and sustaining relationships and feeling sexually satisfied. Fueled by a combination of access, anonymity and affordability, online porn has catapulted overall pornography consumption—bringing in new viewers, encouraging more use from existing fans and escalating consumers from soft-core to harder-core material. Cyberporn is even giving rise to a new form of sexual compulsiveness. According to Alvin Cooper, who conducts seminars on cybersex addiction, 15% of online-porn habitues develop sexual behavior that disrupts their lives. "The Internet is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction," says Jennifer Schneider, co-author of Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession?
Yet most users say sex online is nothing more than good (if not quite clean) fun. According to a 2001 online survey of 7,037 adults, two-thirds of those who visit websites with sexual content say their Internet activities haven't affected their level of sexual activity with their partners, though three-quarters report masturbating while online. The vast majority of respondents—85% to 90%—according to Cooper, who heads the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Center, which conducted the study, are what he calls "recreational users," people who view pornography as a curiosity or diversion.
The question is, Can even recreational use be unhealthy? A 2003 online study by Texas Christian University found that the more pornography men watch, the more likely they are to describe women in sexualized terms and categorize women in traditional gender roles. Mark Schwartz, director of the Masters and Johnson clinic in St. Louis, Mo., says porn not only causes men to objectify women—seeing them as an assemblage of breasts, legs and buttocks—but also leads to a dependency on visual imagery for arousal. "Men become like computers, unable to be stimulated by the human beings beside them," he says. "The image of a lonely, isolated man masturbating to his computer is the Willy Loman metaphor of our decade."
Other psychologists are more tolerant. Most men use pornography in secret, and as long as it doesn't affect their relationships, some say that's O.K. "If a client is enjoying a healthy use of pornography without his wife's knowledge, I would counsel him not to tell her," says psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, who studies men and relationships. Yet many therapists say such behavior creates a breach of trust. Spouses often view porn as a betrayal or even as adultery. The typical reaction when a woman discovers her husband's habit is shock and "How dare he?" According to therapist Lonnie Barbach, based in Mill Valley, Calif., many such women "feel like they're not good enough. Otherwise, why would their mates be seeking this?"
Sometimes pornography tears couples apart. At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. "This is clearly related to the Internet," says Richard Barry, president of the association. "Pornography had an almost nonexistent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago."
Still, couples therapists sometimes suggest pornography as a way to refresh relationships or spark desire. Increasingly, women are game. Sociologist Michael Kimmel has found that each year more of his female college students approve of porn, which may reflect women's increased sexual empowerment. Nonetheless, he says, "their attitude is surprising to those of us who think it an impoverished view of liberation to construct your sex life the way men do." The key, therapists say, is for mutual consumption to be seductive to both partners and for material to be "erotic" rather than "pornographic." Most describe the difference this way: porn is objectifying and derogatory while erotica depicts mutually satisfying sex between equal partners. Others say it's a matter of taste.
Trouble is, often the taste is not shared. Jessica (not her real name), 28, a product manager in New York City, tolerates her boyfriend's pornography habit, but his admiration for bodies like that of porn queen Jenna Jameson has made her insecure, so she plans to get breast implants. "My boyfriend told me lots of his friends' girlfriends have done it," she says. "He said to me, 'Imagine what an awesome body you'll have!' I can't blame him for his preferences." But Jessica isn't sure that surgery will improve their sex life. "He tends to be selfish sexually," she says. "I think pornography has a lot to do with it. For him, porn is easy."
Jessica's experience is pretty typical, says Aline Zoldbrod, a sex therapist in Lexington, Mass. She says men's use of porn for undemanding relief often distracts them from the task of trying to please their real-life partners.
Porn doesn't just give men bad ideas; it can give kids the wrong idea at a formative age. Whereas children used to supplement sex education by tearing through National Geographic in search of naked aboriginals and leafing through the occasional Penthouse they stumbled across in the garage, today many are confronted by pornographic images on a daily basis. In a 2001 poll by the Kaiser Family Foundation, 70% of 15-to 17-year-olds said they had accidentally come across pornography online. Older teens may be aware of the effects of such images: 59% of 15-to-24-year-olds told the pollsters they believe seeing porn on the Internet encourages young people to have sex before they are ready; 49% said it promotes bad attitudes toward women and encourages viewers to think unprotected sex is O.K. "Pornography is affecting people at an increasingly young age," says sociologist Diana Russell, who has written several books on the subject. "And unfortunately for many kids growing up today, pornography is the only sex education they'll get."
Because children learn sexual cues early, boys may train themselves to respond only to images shaped by porn stars, while girls may learn that submission and Brazilian bikini waxes are the keys to pleasing men. Recent studies show a correlation between increased aggressiveness in boys and exposure to pornography, and a link between childhood use of porn and sexually abusive behavior in adulthood. "It's not easy to shock me," says Judith Coche, a therapist in Philadelphia who has been in practice for 25 years. "But one 11-year-old girl's parents discovered their daughter creating her own pornographic website because it's 'cool' among her friends." As such incidents multiply, more Americans—parents especially—may come to Chandler's conclusion: We have to turn off the porn.

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Addiction.......addiction to ANYTHING is a problem. Porn can become addictive, but only to an addictive personality. If a man is addicted to Golf, and plays golf in every spare moment, that doesn't bode well for his relationship. In proper perspective....golf is fine, and few women would object to their partners playing golf. "15% of online-porn habitues develop sexual behavior that disrupts their lives. "The Internet is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction,". I don't know the "numbers", but I'm sure that close to the same percentage of people who drink alcohol develop an addiction, as well as the same amount of gamblers who develop an addiction to gambling. They're addictive personalities, and they will become addicted to something. We tried "prohibition", not only does it NOT work, it increases addiction....because it's more enticing if it's "illegal". Those of us who are NOT addictive personalities, can drink, gamble, and watch porn without it disrupting our lives. If a man is addicted to alcohol, we can't blame the corner bar for that. We also can't close down the corner bar, because there's one on the next corner, too. If a man is addicted to crack cocaine, it's not the fault of the dealer on the corner. If we get rid of pornograpy on the computer, and close all the adult "sex shops", then the addicts will get it where they always have...underground.
Insecurity......."Jessica (not her real name), 28, a product manager in New York City, tolerates her boyfriend's pornography habit, but his admiration for bodies like that of porn queen Jenna Jameson has made her insecure, so she plans to get breast implants." Sorry, but Jessica wasn't made insecure by her b/f's admiration of porn queens. She was already insecure! Any woman who would willingly mutilate her body because of a b/f who watches porn had a problem before the b/f or the porn.
Objectification.......A certain segment of the male population will always objectify women, and did so long before the easy access to Porn.
The effect on children.......I agree with psychologists who think that porn is too accessible to young children. That's why there are computer filters to prevent children from having access to porn. Where are the parents? If parents were fulfilling their parental responsibilities, their children wouldn't be watching porn. An 11 year old, developing her own pornographic web site? Where are the parents? They're probably too busy grubbing for the almighty dollar, to fulfill THEIR addiction to material posessions.
There are two sides to every story. It's as simple as that.
Addiction.......addiction to ANYTHING is a problem. Porn can become addictive, but only to an addictive personality. If a man is addicted to Golf, and plays golf in every spare moment, that doesn't bode well for his relationship. In proper perspective....golf is fine, and few women would object to their partners playing golf.>>>>>
weren't most alcoholics at one time normal people without addictive personalities? that their eventual dependency on the drug was physical and not a result of their addictive personality? like any other substance what is the determining factor of addiction? what determines dependency? unable to do without? the need for more? at what point is it a problem? that is what i am trying to figure out but you have not given me a time or amount or a how to determine whats normal.
><<<<<"15% of online-porn habitues develop sexual behavior that disrupts their lives. "The Internet is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction,". I don't know the "numbers", but I'm sure that close to the same percentage of people who drink alcohol develop an addiction, as well as the same amount of gamblers who develop an addiction to gambling. They're addictive personalities, and they will become addicted to something."<<<<
can't someone just dive into something they enjoy so much and become addicted? if it were true about once an addict always an addict then wouldn't that addicted golpher also be an alcoholic too or addicted to everything? that's a scary concept.
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is disrupting your life what determines if it is an addiction or not? i know many people who are bigne alcoholics or do lots of drugs but function in life so they think they do not have a problem.
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i agree. everyone should take responsiblity for their own actions. but the fact still remains that most addicts were once normal users. like cancer its cells that overgrow or grow out of control. i do not think that there is an addict that wanted to become an addict. it just happens.
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but is it not possible that since there is lots more of it and the viewers are starting very young that there is lots mroe chance of being an objectifier? similar to alcohol. the younger they begin the more easily addicted.
>>>>>The effect on children.......I agree with psychologists who think that porn is too accessible to young children. That's why there are computer filters to prevent children from having access to porn. Where are the parents? If parents were fulfilling their parental responsibilities, their children wouldn't be watching porn. An 11 year old, developing her own pornographic web site? Where are the parents? They're probably too busy grubbing for the almighty dollar, to fulfill THEIR addiction to material posessions. >>>>>>
filters are not fool proof. besides most kids will see hard porn accidentally not while searching for it. i agree that too many parents are leaving children unattended for longer periods of time due to their obsession of possessions, but not all. childn will do what they can get away with and if they want to see it htey will. can not always blame the parents. they can only teach not control. just like alcohol and drugs. some kids will experiment and some will get caught up in the scene early with the guise "i'm invincible it won't happen to me, i won't get caught, i'm just having a little fun."
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i do not even know if addiction was what i was asking about, or maybe it is. i want to know what does everyone consider normal so i can get an idea of what is exceptible.
I don't have a definition of 'healthy amount' because that can vary but I do have a belief regarding an unhealthy amount which would be anything that interferes with daily life. If you are sneaking porn at work, looking at porn rather than taking care of your kids, looking at porn rather than being intimate with your partner, or are only able to get off with porn, then I believe you may have a problem.
Some people have a problem with porn because that is how they were raised, some people have a problem with porn because they believe it objectifies women, some are just plain insecure no matter how much they deny it. One thing I do agree with is that porn is very accessible to children and I believe that is wrong but the only people at fault for their children getting their sex education from porn are the parents that are to uptight to talk to their own children about sex. Parents need to take more responsibility and protect their children from things that are not age appropriate.
Like "jessica" , who wanted her mans attention on her rather than a bunch of porn girls, she was willing to get surgery for it! This i dont feel this was a security thing, she was just looking for a way to get her guy off and away from the porn! but as none of us know her, we must not judge!
my boyfriend does not use any type of porn, nor does he find interest in it. my only interest in this topic was simply why women believe that we cant stop men from watching porn. Lots of ladies that i have spoken to actually believe that we CANT do a thing about it! so that just tells me that those women have grown used to thier partner getting off on other girls! this is not quite cheating, but it sure isnt loyalty!!! this is just my opinion, but if there are others who share in this opinion, i would like to hear from you. If a man or woman needs to please him\herself, thats is fine, but why cant they do it at the sight of their partner dancing or doing something special just for them? if there is plenty of trust and comfort in the relationshop then i am not aware of any difficulties with this.
once again this is only my opinion, and i dont want to offend anyone!
thanks MG for a wonderful point of view!
Leona
Before I was married I used porn for sexual relief. It is different for men, we have these little guys building up everyday just wanting to get out and after a couple of days we get erections when the wind blows the wrong way. So for me soft porn, erotica and pics/videos of women getting men off with their mouths and hands helped.
Now that I'm married I use porn if I am away on business for a long time (week) or not getting "special" attention from my wife. When my wife gives me the extra special attention, I never look at porn.
Extra special is defined like this: 2-3 bjs per month (to completion, foreplay doesn't count!)and maybe a couple of handjobs every month or so.
Our regular love making routine is more along the lines of her wearing someting pretty, me kissing her body, massaging her and making love to her - do the best I can to please her and always getting good loving myself.
She knows my desire for special attention and I've reminded her that sometimes she forgets about the frequency of my desire but she gets upset when I mention it so I don't remind her too often anymore.
And one final point; I'll hold off on viewing porn with the hope that she'll give me some special attention and then after a few days and some frustration, I'll look at some and get off and of course that night she decides to give me some special attention and I think "sh-t, why did I have to go and jerk off?". And then she thinks - why isn't he into me and the whole thing has a negative effect. I try to hold off and extra day or so now! But by then it's like I'm so ready that I can't hold off at all during intercourse.
Summary: It isn't that difficult to get (a lot of) us off porn if you use your imagination and give us some attention more frequently than you might think is necessary.
Addiction:
you said if we use our imagination. what about you? can't you use your imagination? it makes me real hot when i give my bf extra special attention that i use those thoughts to masturbate to. i often use memory recall to masturbate to. i guess my ? is why do you turn immediate to porn? btw, using my bf to mb to makes me hotter for him.
p.s. us gals have the same built ups.
I was trying to express my point of view.
BTW, I do not dictate a sexual schedule for my wife to follow. We are great partners and even better friends... and we are getting better at communicating and getting closer all the time. She has gotten in a huff when I bring up my sexual desires and she has reacted much like Leona. Thankfully, she still loves me and is really great to me. My point is that very often, frequency is an issue for men. For me, it has a direct correlation with my desire to view porn.
I will agree with you that I think the situation with porn today is becoming dangerous, especially since some of it is so explicit and degrading.
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