more porn ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
more porn ?
34
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 9:36am
afte rreading some of these posts what do you consider is a healthy amount of porn? where do you draw the line? if you answer occassional what do you consider occassional?

do you feel due to porn being at everyones fingertips we are in the midst of an experimental era and really do not know how it touches relationships? i have read that as long as it does not interfere with the relationship it is healthy, but i do not see that as making much sense. just because one is indifferent or accepting of pornography does not alter facts. put another way if one is a porn addict and the partner finds nothing wrong wit ti they are still an addict. i came across this article and it scared me and i am still not sure what is considered excessive or how you determine what is a healthy amount of porn and i would like to hear your opinions.

http://www.time.com/time/2004/sex/article/the_porn_factor_in_the_01a.html

The Porn Factor

In the Internet age, pornography is almost everywhere you look. But what is it doing to real-life relationships?

By Pamela Paul



January 19, 2004 Health



In a Friends episode titled "The One with Free Porn," Chandler and Joey discover to their delight a free pornography TV channel, which they leave on and watch endlessly for fear it will go away. Later, a startled Chandler reports to Joey, "I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it in the vault." Joey describes a similar cold shoulder from the pizza-delivery woman. "You know what?" Chandler concludes. "We have to turn off the porn."

Chandler may be on to something. Call it the porn factor. Whereas pornography was once furtively glimpsed at dimly lighted newsstands or seedy adult theaters, today it is everywhere. It pours in over the Internet, sometimes uninvited, sometimes via eagerly forwarded links (Paris Hilton, anyone?). It titillates 24/7 on steamy adult cable channels and on-demand services (the pay-per-view reality show Can You Be a Porn Star? made its debut this month). It has infiltrated mainstream cable with HBO's forthcoming documentary series Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley. And in ways that have only begun to be measured, it is coloring relationships, both long-and short-term, reshaping expectations about sex and body image and, most worrisome of all, threatening to alter how young people learn about sex.

In recent years, a number of psychologists and sociologists have joined the chorus of religious and political opponents in warning about the impact of pervasive pornography. They argue that porn is transforming sexuality and relationships—for the worse. Experts say men who frequently view porn may develop unrealistic expectations of women's appearance and behavior, have difficulty forming and sustaining relationships and feeling sexually satisfied. Fueled by a combination of access, anonymity and affordability, online porn has catapulted overall pornography consumption—bringing in new viewers, encouraging more use from existing fans and escalating consumers from soft-core to harder-core material. Cyberporn is even giving rise to a new form of sexual compulsiveness. According to Alvin Cooper, who conducts seminars on cybersex addiction, 15% of online-porn habitues develop sexual behavior that disrupts their lives. "The Internet is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction," says Jennifer Schneider, co-author of Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession?

Yet most users say sex online is nothing more than good (if not quite clean) fun. According to a 2001 online survey of 7,037 adults, two-thirds of those who visit websites with sexual content say their Internet activities haven't affected their level of sexual activity with their partners, though three-quarters report masturbating while online. The vast majority of respondents—85% to 90%—according to Cooper, who heads the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Center, which conducted the study, are what he calls "recreational users," people who view pornography as a curiosity or diversion.

The question is, Can even recreational use be unhealthy? A 2003 online study by Texas Christian University found that the more pornography men watch, the more likely they are to describe women in sexualized terms and categorize women in traditional gender roles. Mark Schwartz, director of the Masters and Johnson clinic in St. Louis, Mo., says porn not only causes men to objectify women—seeing them as an assemblage of breasts, legs and buttocks—but also leads to a dependency on visual imagery for arousal. "Men become like computers, unable to be stimulated by the human beings beside them," he says. "The image of a lonely, isolated man masturbating to his computer is the Willy Loman metaphor of our decade."

Other psychologists are more tolerant. Most men use pornography in secret, and as long as it doesn't affect their relationships, some say that's O.K. "If a client is enjoying a healthy use of pornography without his wife's knowledge, I would counsel him not to tell her," says psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, who studies men and relationships. Yet many therapists say such behavior creates a breach of trust. Spouses often view porn as a betrayal or even as adultery. The typical reaction when a woman discovers her husband's habit is shock and "How dare he?" According to therapist Lonnie Barbach, based in Mill Valley, Calif., many such women "feel like they're not good enough. Otherwise, why would their mates be seeking this?"

Sometimes pornography tears couples apart. At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. "This is clearly related to the Internet," says Richard Barry, president of the association. "Pornography had an almost nonexistent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago."

Still, couples therapists sometimes suggest pornography as a way to refresh relationships or spark desire. Increasingly, women are game. Sociologist Michael Kimmel has found that each year more of his female college students approve of porn, which may reflect women's increased sexual empowerment. Nonetheless, he says, "their attitude is surprising to those of us who think it an impoverished view of liberation to construct your sex life the way men do." The key, therapists say, is for mutual consumption to be seductive to both partners and for material to be "erotic" rather than "pornographic." Most describe the difference this way: porn is objectifying and derogatory while erotica depicts mutually satisfying sex between equal partners. Others say it's a matter of taste.

Trouble is, often the taste is not shared. Jessica (not her real name), 28, a product manager in New York City, tolerates her boyfriend's pornography habit, but his admiration for bodies like that of porn queen Jenna Jameson has made her insecure, so she plans to get breast implants. "My boyfriend told me lots of his friends' girlfriends have done it," she says. "He said to me, 'Imagine what an awesome body you'll have!' I can't blame him for his preferences." But Jessica isn't sure that surgery will improve their sex life. "He tends to be selfish sexually," she says. "I think pornography has a lot to do with it. For him, porn is easy."

Jessica's experience is pretty typical, says Aline Zoldbrod, a sex therapist in Lexington, Mass. She says men's use of porn for undemanding relief often distracts them from the task of trying to please their real-life partners.

Porn doesn't just give men bad ideas; it can give kids the wrong idea at a formative age. Whereas children used to supplement sex education by tearing through National Geographic in search of naked aboriginals and leafing through the occasional Penthouse they stumbled across in the garage, today many are confronted by pornographic images on a daily basis. In a 2001 poll by the Kaiser Family Foundation, 70% of 15-to 17-year-olds said they had accidentally come across pornography online. Older teens may be aware of the effects of such images: 59% of 15-to-24-year-olds told the pollsters they believe seeing porn on the Internet encourages young people to have sex before they are ready; 49% said it promotes bad attitudes toward women and encourages viewers to think unprotected sex is O.K. "Pornography is affecting people at an increasingly young age," says sociologist Diana Russell, who has written several books on the subject. "And unfortunately for many kids growing up today, pornography is the only sex education they'll get."

Because children learn sexual cues early, boys may train themselves to respond only to images shaped by porn stars, while girls may learn that submission and Brazilian bikini waxes are the keys to pleasing men. Recent studies show a correlation between increased aggressiveness in boys and exposure to pornography, and a link between childhood use of porn and sexually abusive behavior in adulthood. "It's not easy to shock me," says Judith Coche, a therapist in Philadelphia who has been in practice for 25 years. "But one 11-year-old girl's parents discovered their daughter creating her own pornographic website because it's 'cool' among her friends." As such incidents multiply, more Americans—parents especially—may come to Chandler's conclusion: We have to turn off the porn.





iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 5:06pm
As a side topic to add here, alot of people stress the fantasy of porn, but is it? I think not. It is sexual imagery and stimulation, but I would not classify it as fantasy. Alot of people do what is in porn. What exactly do people mean by fantasy? Lots of people are in threesomes, lots of people participate in group sex, lots of people do facials, so where is the fantasy? I realize it is all staged, but it *is* based on reality and what people actually do. If people truly felt it was just fantasy and not even possible to be real, would it even be a turn on anymore? It's the possiblity that makes it exciting as much as the images being presented.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 5:56pm

If a guy or woman *needs* porn to get aroused it is a problem and most likely an addiction.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 5:56pm

fte rreading some of these posts what do you consider is a healthy amount of porn? where do you draw the line? if you answer occassional what do you consider occassional?


A "healthy amount" of porn (or masturbation, or sex toy use,

--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 6:11pm
(1)<<<>>>

(2)<<<>>>

aren't they related? if 2 exists then it could be a reflection on her, in 1 it wouldn't be. but they can go together.






iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 6:29pm

<>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 6:50pm
there is nothing new aobut sex. same since the beginning of time. it was just that the article stated taht internet porn was responsable for breaking up marriages and other things. dont know if that was only with referance to addicions or not. \

its healthy as it does not intefere with the relationship. it sounded from the article like it was the cause.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:11pm
THis is just a little reply to Mechanical gal:

"the buyer is being exploited? wierd? no one is forcing the buyer to spend the money and they know exactly what they r buying, a orgasm. look at Kobe Bryant did he not lose the Nike contract? Is an orgasm really worth $40,000,000?"

1) Just because someone could foreseeably avoid something in hindsight, doesn't mean that they're not being exploited. Women forced to work in the sex trade in exchange for being emigrated to a wealthier safer country are definately being exploited. Could they have known what they were in for? Probably, I don't think that theyre stupid. Do drug dealers who sell to kids (or fast food outlets) epliot them. Yes. Do the kids know that smack is smack? Sure they do. Do they know you can get fat from eating cheeseburgers? Of course. Do people working for below minimum wage know that they are being exploited? Yes. Do diet pill companies or labial enhancement surgeons manipulate the self esteem and natural desires of women in order to expoit them? Yes. Do the women know that? THey ought to, and most probably do. Of course, people should be responsible for they're own actions. And porn addicts are no different. Should porn companies be penalized for selling what they advertise? of course not. But I still view it as a form of exploitation.

2) About Kobe Bryant: Rape is not really the same thing as porn. Not even close. And besides, it probably wasn't rape anyways. I'm not a big follower of the case, but I understand that the evidense suggests consensual sex. So called victims have been known to fabricate "rapes". Just because she accused him, doesn't mean that he did it. Lol, trial by media.

" don't think that anyone was suggesing that one should be 100% mentall monugumous, but suggesting that one can not use or choses not to use their partner seemed unbeleivible. "

-I didn't really get what you are saying here. If i read it right, you are saying that it is believeable that some people only fantasize about their partners their whole lives

Well, Of course I can't prove it, but I don't think anyone with a normal sex drive is like that. JMHO. I certainly don't know anyone like that, outside of romance novels that is. I do destinguish between casual fantasies and someone who is constantly fantasizing about extra-partner sexual relations and WANTS to have sex outside the relationship. I think that fantasies can be just that, and not a reflection of what we would like to happen in real life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:24pm
Porn is tricky because it's about sex. A person's sexuality, sexual image, and sexual relationship is right at the heart of a relationship. No wonder so many women are upset by it. Yet many other activities are more damaging but accepted.

For example, in my relationship, I buy Penthouse magazines every so often, browse some internet porn occasionally and watch DVD's. My partner joins in and her preference is for the erotic stories in the magazines - that's something that she will enjoy by herself. We're both happy with that.

I however spend far too much time and money on my mountain bike. It takes me away from my family, at times I will prefer to spend time with it rather than my family. I spend thousands of dollars a year on it, I organise my life around it to a degree. I buy magazines. I even spend time socialising with other real live women that mountainbike too. I've ended up in hospital on numerous occasions and missed time at work because of it. Sometimes I come home and have declined sex because I am worn out. This year I spent $6000 and spent two months away in the pursuit of mountainbiking. In many ways mountainbiking consumes more of my time and relationships than porn. Yet, mountain biking is OK. We're both happy with that too.

They, the porn and biking, are two activities that I enjoy regardless of the reasons for enjoying it. Yet, porn is the one that is most likely to be condemned. I agree that porn can be damaging, and I certainly agree that it's not for children. It's not appropriate for them. But even a perfect, normal, healthy sexual relationship sans porn is unhealthy and inappropriate for children below a certain age.

I don't see that the use of porn is any different than many other activities. It's up to the individual and the couple in a relationship to decide what is an appropriate level of consumption and use.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 5:54pm
kay so both are exploited.

<<<<2) About Kobe Bryant: Rape is not really the same thing as porn. Not even close. And besides, it probably wasn't rape anyways. I'm not a big follower of the case, but I understand that the evidense suggests consensual sex. So called victims have been known to fabricate "rapes". Just because she accused him, doesn't mean that he did it. Lol, trial by media.>>>>

i was not speaking bout rape i was refering to infidelity. we know he did that.

" don't think that anyone was suggesing that one should be 100% mentall monugumous, but suggesting that one can not use or choses not to use their partner seemed unbeleivible. "

<<<<-I didn't really get what you are saying here. If i read it right, you are saying that it is believeable that some people only fantasize about their partners their whole lives>>>>

no just the oposite. the suggestion that using your parnter to mb to is imposible so that is why they turn to porn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:08pm
~~~~~~Thank you SO much for saying everything that i wasnt able to! i feel that porn is nothing less than spouses NOT having faith in thier parteners imagimation! And whatever one might find in a pornographic film, most could easily find in the bedroom with their partner! so thats where the "need for another woman" comes in. ~~~~~

I am sorry but I have to HIGHLY disagree. I understand you dont like porn, and maybe their are other alternatives, but that is another issue. You REALLY need to spend time int he clashing libido site, or the married sex site. Hundreds of people have spouses with widely varying tolerance and sexual preference. There are also 10's of books claiming that clashing sexual preferences and appetites are hard to avoid and people who get married to someone who they are not sexually compatible to need to make compromises. Many need therapy to get through it.

I wish life was that simple. I can say to my DF "Hey honey, why dont you do a little strip tease to our favorite song after I give you a back rub with some sensual massage oil" Reasonable request right? Not necessarily. Took me 2 patient years to get that. Now lets try asking "Hey honey. I have always wanted to try anal. Can we start by taking it slow". Hahahah. Are you telling me that most spouses would say yes? Most spouses have trouble getting the other in the mood often enough!!!

When you said the word MOST, you meant, the Some. No one knows for sure how many people are completely sexually compatible enough.