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| Fri, 08-13-2004 - 9:36am |
do you feel due to porn being at everyones fingertips we are in the midst of an experimental era and really do not know how it touches relationships? i have read that as long as it does not interfere with the relationship it is healthy, but i do not see that as making much sense. just because one is indifferent or accepting of pornography does not alter facts. put another way if one is a porn addict and the partner finds nothing wrong wit ti they are still an addict. i came across this article and it scared me and i am still not sure what is considered excessive or how you determine what is a healthy amount of porn and i would like to hear your opinions.
http://www.time.com/time/2004/sex/article/the_porn_factor_in_the_01a.html
The Porn Factor
In the Internet age, pornography is almost everywhere you look. But what is it doing to real-life relationships?
By Pamela Paul
January 19, 2004 Health
In a Friends episode titled "The One with Free Porn," Chandler and Joey discover to their delight a free pornography TV channel, which they leave on and watch endlessly for fear it will go away. Later, a startled Chandler reports to Joey, "I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it in the vault." Joey describes a similar cold shoulder from the pizza-delivery woman. "You know what?" Chandler concludes. "We have to turn off the porn."
Chandler may be on to something. Call it the porn factor. Whereas pornography was once furtively glimpsed at dimly lighted newsstands or seedy adult theaters, today it is everywhere. It pours in over the Internet, sometimes uninvited, sometimes via eagerly forwarded links (Paris Hilton, anyone?). It titillates 24/7 on steamy adult cable channels and on-demand services (the pay-per-view reality show Can You Be a Porn Star? made its debut this month). It has infiltrated mainstream cable with HBO's forthcoming documentary series Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley. And in ways that have only begun to be measured, it is coloring relationships, both long-and short-term, reshaping expectations about sex and body image and, most worrisome of all, threatening to alter how young people learn about sex.
In recent years, a number of psychologists and sociologists have joined the chorus of religious and political opponents in warning about the impact of pervasive pornography. They argue that porn is transforming sexuality and relationships—for the worse. Experts say men who frequently view porn may develop unrealistic expectations of women's appearance and behavior, have difficulty forming and sustaining relationships and feeling sexually satisfied. Fueled by a combination of access, anonymity and affordability, online porn has catapulted overall pornography consumption—bringing in new viewers, encouraging more use from existing fans and escalating consumers from soft-core to harder-core material. Cyberporn is even giving rise to a new form of sexual compulsiveness. According to Alvin Cooper, who conducts seminars on cybersex addiction, 15% of online-porn habitues develop sexual behavior that disrupts their lives. "The Internet is the crack cocaine of sexual addiction," says Jennifer Schneider, co-author of Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession?
Yet most users say sex online is nothing more than good (if not quite clean) fun. According to a 2001 online survey of 7,037 adults, two-thirds of those who visit websites with sexual content say their Internet activities haven't affected their level of sexual activity with their partners, though three-quarters report masturbating while online. The vast majority of respondents—85% to 90%—according to Cooper, who heads the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Center, which conducted the study, are what he calls "recreational users," people who view pornography as a curiosity or diversion.
The question is, Can even recreational use be unhealthy? A 2003 online study by Texas Christian University found that the more pornography men watch, the more likely they are to describe women in sexualized terms and categorize women in traditional gender roles. Mark Schwartz, director of the Masters and Johnson clinic in St. Louis, Mo., says porn not only causes men to objectify women—seeing them as an assemblage of breasts, legs and buttocks—but also leads to a dependency on visual imagery for arousal. "Men become like computers, unable to be stimulated by the human beings beside them," he says. "The image of a lonely, isolated man masturbating to his computer is the Willy Loman metaphor of our decade."
Other psychologists are more tolerant. Most men use pornography in secret, and as long as it doesn't affect their relationships, some say that's O.K. "If a client is enjoying a healthy use of pornography without his wife's knowledge, I would counsel him not to tell her," says psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, who studies men and relationships. Yet many therapists say such behavior creates a breach of trust. Spouses often view porn as a betrayal or even as adultery. The typical reaction when a woman discovers her husband's habit is shock and "How dare he?" According to therapist Lonnie Barbach, based in Mill Valley, Calif., many such women "feel like they're not good enough. Otherwise, why would their mates be seeking this?"
Sometimes pornography tears couples apart. At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. "This is clearly related to the Internet," says Richard Barry, president of the association. "Pornography had an almost nonexistent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago."
Still, couples therapists sometimes suggest pornography as a way to refresh relationships or spark desire. Increasingly, women are game. Sociologist Michael Kimmel has found that each year more of his female college students approve of porn, which may reflect women's increased sexual empowerment. Nonetheless, he says, "their attitude is surprising to those of us who think it an impoverished view of liberation to construct your sex life the way men do." The key, therapists say, is for mutual consumption to be seductive to both partners and for material to be "erotic" rather than "pornographic." Most describe the difference this way: porn is objectifying and derogatory while erotica depicts mutually satisfying sex between equal partners. Others say it's a matter of taste.
Trouble is, often the taste is not shared. Jessica (not her real name), 28, a product manager in New York City, tolerates her boyfriend's pornography habit, but his admiration for bodies like that of porn queen Jenna Jameson has made her insecure, so she plans to get breast implants. "My boyfriend told me lots of his friends' girlfriends have done it," she says. "He said to me, 'Imagine what an awesome body you'll have!' I can't blame him for his preferences." But Jessica isn't sure that surgery will improve their sex life. "He tends to be selfish sexually," she says. "I think pornography has a lot to do with it. For him, porn is easy."
Jessica's experience is pretty typical, says Aline Zoldbrod, a sex therapist in Lexington, Mass. She says men's use of porn for undemanding relief often distracts them from the task of trying to please their real-life partners.
Porn doesn't just give men bad ideas; it can give kids the wrong idea at a formative age. Whereas children used to supplement sex education by tearing through National Geographic in search of naked aboriginals and leafing through the occasional Penthouse they stumbled across in the garage, today many are confronted by pornographic images on a daily basis. In a 2001 poll by the Kaiser Family Foundation, 70% of 15-to 17-year-olds said they had accidentally come across pornography online. Older teens may be aware of the effects of such images: 59% of 15-to-24-year-olds told the pollsters they believe seeing porn on the Internet encourages young people to have sex before they are ready; 49% said it promotes bad attitudes toward women and encourages viewers to think unprotected sex is O.K. "Pornography is affecting people at an increasingly young age," says sociologist Diana Russell, who has written several books on the subject. "And unfortunately for many kids growing up today, pornography is the only sex education they'll get."
Because children learn sexual cues early, boys may train themselves to respond only to images shaped by porn stars, while girls may learn that submission and Brazilian bikini waxes are the keys to pleasing men. Recent studies show a correlation between increased aggressiveness in boys and exposure to pornography, and a link between childhood use of porn and sexually abusive behavior in adulthood. "It's not easy to shock me," says Judith Coche, a therapist in Philadelphia who has been in practice for 25 years. "But one 11-year-old girl's parents discovered their daughter creating her own pornographic website because it's 'cool' among her friends." As such incidents multiply, more Americans—parents especially—may come to Chandler's conclusion: We have to turn off the porn.

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~~~~~ don't know how much is too much, but my bf looked at it all of the time. he was always horny. If I was with him we had sex(sometimes three times); if I wasn't he masturbated. I finally talked about it one day. I felt he had a problem. He recognized that he did and stopped. At first he had a hard time having sex without all of those fantasies to arouse him, but he worked through it. Now he acts on natural sexual urges rather than prompted ones. He said that all he ever thought about was sex since it was all he ever knew.~~~~
That is a good example of one case. I know myself though. When I was single, I watched porn and thought about sex once in awhile. Porn was a little relief for me. This was back in my teenage years though!
Now I think about sex about 3 times more. Why? Becasue my DF is nice, respectful, considerate, and freakin hot (to me!). I dont get horny all the time, but think about it. If we have sex once every 4-5 days, do you know how many times I have touched her? How many times i looked at those beautiful eyes and smile. Man, I am amped way way way before 5 days. For some men, having a wonderful GF makes them get amped up quick. Porn is just a filler so you dont have to hump your GF's leg like a horny dog. I personally, can wait 4-5 days if I masturbate. "I" just think of our last session, but some guys prefer porn. Hey, I cant hate! I am just saying that your example was one, and I offered another.
Everyone's sex drive, sexual inspiration/motivation, etc. are different.
ROTHFLMAO!
I'd have to agree with this. My partner has been doing 14-15 hour days at work this last fortnight and sex is usually the last thing on her mind when she gets home late evening. We had sex last night for the first time in 10 days or so. No matter how I phrase it, she gets annoyed if I continually bug her for sex. Masturbation with some porn is a realistic outlet in this situation. Keeps us both happier.
Leticia ~~~~
Well, leticia, you are right. the things that happen in porn can be real. It is obviously not FANTASY FANTASY. If you mean FANTASY as in Lord of the Rings Fantasy, porn is obviously more real than that! But most people use FANTASY as in something they would not consider doing or consider to be attainable. Men dont believe they can have their wives walk into their offices every lunch break, give them a BJ in front of your secretary that loves to join in and watch, and then give their wives facials and send them packing. I would say most men think that is far more FANTASY than REALITY. Is it possible? Barely. Is it probable or even an afterthought? No! That is why people call it fantasy. For many men, porn is a mixture. Softcore is like a hope rather than reality (you hope you and your wife can share great ograsms and great 4play), hardcore porn is almost completely fantasy, with some realistic/attainable parts.
Secondly, people enjoy fantasy as much as reality. Are citcoms real? NO! They are FANTASY! Are there perfect families out there like the citcoms? Maybe. But they are still "FANTASY".
People think porn hurts their relationships unconditionally. Instead of crying and being incoherent everytime you find it, why don’t you find out what the status is of your relationship and sex life?
I have a few questions I wanted to ask the people who HATE porn and who wont allow ANY in your relationship. Censorship is a hefty demand, even if it is porn. Before I demand anything of my DF I clearly outline why, and make sure I am not demanding too much. For example, I demand that she not have sex with other men. If she ever asked why I made such a large demand I would tell her a million reasons, and we would go from there.
I know many of you are hurt if you SO watches porn, but a demand is a demand so make sure you know the entire situation by TALKING to your SO about sex and the relationship. Do not mention PORN at all until you have talked about sex and the relationship thoroughly enough. I hate when people say "If you loved me you wouldn’t". You need to elaborate more. YOu need to give more of a reason. Talk about your insecurities and deal with them together. Why can’t I say "honey, don’t talk to any guys ever. Even if he is your boss! If you love me you wouldn’t talk to them". This is an absurd line of reasoning. Explaining why you believe people who love each other wouldn’t do that to each other, but don’t just make the blanket reason. People can always get hurt, but they need to explain why it hurts them, how, what they expect, what their values are, etc. Don’t just say, “it hurts me so you shouldn’t do it.” There is always a discussion that must follow.
Here are a few fun questions to consider!
For those porn haters out there, just start by thinking of the word TRAPPED. Many couples are inherently imbalanced libido wise and most go through "droughts" or rough periods. If you don’t want to put out because you are tired (which is fine, everyone has moods) or just don’t get horny very often, what is your spouse supposed to do? If you tell him/her, "I only want sex once a month cause I have a low libido and I don’t want you to watch porn", and he/she says "Well I am very attracted to you and I would love to have sex 3 times per week", then you say "Our relationship is not all about sex, just live with it." then what does one do? Both people have a good case, although I randomly made the Low libido the selfish one!
If the High Libido (HL) prefers to watch porn to pass the time, then why shouldn’t the HL be allowed to ease their pain in the most effective way they know how? The HL is almost trapped here, but not quite yet. So the LL says, “hey, there are other ways for you to pass the time. They might not be as easy for you, but at least they don’t hurt ME! You can read a book or workout or something”. In this case the HL is trapped. Even before that, they were being pushed into a corner IMHO.
The LL doesn’t want sex as often, and when the HL takes care of his/her needs, you want them to accommodate you AGAIN! Well, that doesn’t seem fair now does it?
For those people who refuse porn and can’t keep up with their spouse’s sexual appetite, do you suggest giving the HL hand jobs instead? How about taking pictures of yourself and giving them to him/her? How about talking dirty or at least being there when he/she masturbates? Do people who object to porn go way out of their way at all to make sure that the HL won’t need the extra diversion? If not, do you assume that your spouse is getting enough? If so, how do you know? If they aren’t, then what are you doing about it?
Answer these questions first before thinking about ending the relationship over porn. After you put yourself in their shoes, you are entitled to receive the same treatment. They should be more willing to discuss what purpose porn serves them, etc. and people can make progress.
Think of it this way. If your spouse was watching porn, and you walked in there and said, "why have porn when you can have the real thing" I think 80 percent of the people we are talking about would turn that fake stuff off. So you never caught them. Then why don’t you initiate sex once in awhile or at least ask them if they are satisfied.
Okay so you can’t initiate and you don’t want to have to do that all the time. I don’t blame you. Find out just how often your spouse wants sex. If you can’t match that then why don’t you start by trying to do the things I said above. Give hand jobs, talk to them while they are masturbating, take pictures of yourself, GIVE THEM AN OUT. Then I am sure they will agree to GREATLY reduce the amount of porn they watch or at least do something in return for your needs!
I would recommend people stop complaining about your spouse using porn and start thinking of ways to make it more obsolete. Sure your spouse may still look at it, but it won’t be as often and they won’t hide it as much. If they would still rather look at porn all the time, it is obvious they have a problem.
Oh yeah, and for some of you, you think you have won but you haven’t. Many people demand their spouses to get rid of porn and their spouses do. You guys never talk about it again. Well, guess what. The porn is in remission. It will resurface again. It might already be there but they are hiding it better. If they did give it up and got nothing in return, they might be secretly resentful. In some cases, when you blindly demand them to remove porn, the other might do it without feeling resentful or the problem ever surfacing, but I wouldn’t bet on it.
Just another way to deal with the porn problem.
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