Multi-tasking ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Multi-tasking ?
9
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:58am

I am way into multitasking sexually but my SO is not. She says she cannot concentrate so some things that I LOVE participating in just never happen - like 69 etc. I think for me this is really hot foreplay and not meant for the finale. For her it seems like getting started 'somewhere' means you have to finish there as well. I also would love to watch her move around on some toys while going down on me but she has no desire to do this for the same reasons mentioned above. Again this is frustrating for me because it is all about getting turned on and not racing for the finish line for me.

Does anyone else feel like that? Also I really like getting so close to the point of no return only to stop and start something different and do it again until it just happens before you can do anything about it....My SO oddly enough doesnt like that and almost really has no desire to keep going if she gets close but DOESNT have her O.....Does anyone else have this issue? Again it is sort of a bummer because I like getting sexually tense over the course of a hour or so but I am alone on that feeling but in my past this was never any issue with anyone else.

Just curious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:27pm

I with you, Dh and I love variety, multi-tasking, doing different things and having our sex sessions last a long time and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:52pm

Of course, others have the same issues. That's usually because someone like your partner hasn't learned to be open sexually.......she's trying to be in control of her feelings and emotions. There are lots of women like that (I think a lot more women than men!) and there's nothing anyone but her can do to change it. I think as women get older, or more mature, they ARE open to more things....but until they're ready...they're not capaple of just letting go, and doing whatever the moment suggests.

Starting and finishing the same way seems to be an ongoing story on these boards...."I like that, why should I change?" Again, until they've learned to just LET GO and not worry about what they look like, what will their partner think of them, etc., it's not going to happen. Been there, and done that, and it took me many years to not only be open to suggestion, but make some suggestions myself. WOT seems to be a big bugaboo for many women.....because "he" can't finish that way. My answer to that is, FINE...let him lay there and relax, enjoy watching you, and when you've had all you can handle, then it's HIS turn.....roll over and let him do HIS thing!

I gotta tell you though......"69" is a whole other thing. Again, it depends on the woman.....but if she is a woman who loves both giving and recieving.....as I am, I can only take a few minutes of that.....simply because for me, I can't give my full attention to either part of it.....it's frustrating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 3:27pm

Well to clear things up a little more SO is not multiorgasmic...I am more so than she is -She is more like the cliche of how a man is viewed - wham bam thanks man...and doesn't even like to be touched after she has popped.

As far as not being sexually open - well I think that is for sure the case here. I am definately on the whole other side of the spectrum - not too much is going to scare me off and I have offered the challenge!

WOT, no matter what the activity is, is simply a turn-on because it can be very visual also because I know I cannot always find what feels good to her and stay there - but that brings me back to square one - I enjoy the moment and just get wrapped up in it and dont worry about finishing - actually preferred to be 'suprised' by it.

From a multitasking view point the distraction is what I like about it - I like feeling something even if it is literally just a good grip :) when I am dishing out some pleasure...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 9:31am

It could be that her libido is much lower than yours. I know that personally, if I have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone, I am usually much more sensitive to being touched just after. I need a recovery time; however, if I have a g-spot orgasm during intercourse, I'm more than ready to keep going. Almost as if the sensation is so good that I just want to keep repeating it (LOL).

I have difficulty during 69 too. It's not that I don't enjoy it, it's that I can't focus. If I'm receiving too much pleasure and start to get into that, I completely forget about him. If I'm trying to concentrate on him, then I'm ignoring my pleasure and almost don't want to be touched (as if it's an irritation). For me, 69 is a fun thing to do for a few minutes only. There just seems to be too much concentration required for it to be satisfying.

During intercourse, I'm much better able to concentrate on both of us. I enjoy feeling his reaction to things I do and things seem to work better in unison then.

I think she needs to "learn" to be multi-orgasmic. Once she experiences that, then she will enjoy it. Perhaps if you back off on clitoral stimulation, it will take her longer to have an orgasm. It sounds like she gets frustrated if she gets too close to orgasm, so change up more frequently -- before she has a chance to get there. Also, since you can last longer, if she does have an orgasm AND you stay inside of her (you haven't even finished yet), and just stop briefly, she should be ready for you to go again. If you move to g-spot stimulation at that time, I think it would be unlikely that she would want you to stop.

It's easy to think you're done if you have a lower libido, if the stimulation was very intense (as clitoral orgasms can get), or if you haven't experienced multiple orgasms in the past. I generally find that the more orgasms I have during one session, the better they get. Once you experience that -- you want to keep going -- to find that one that really puts you over the top.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:03am

I feel the same way you do. I like to make it last up to the point where I just can't hold out any longer. I don't always get this opportunity, but love it when I do.

I was in a 6 year marriage where I accepted the fact that I could only have one orgasm. Although we had gotten pretty good at cumming together, and I guess that was enough for us. We never really tried for more. Now I am with a new man, and he has proved me wrong. I can have multi-orgasms, I just had to learn how to. And I'm still needing a little practice :) Granted my libido is higher now than it use to be, but it has always been pretty high. Also I went several years in between without any sex, and I'm LOVING it now.

So maybe if your wife is willing to try, she might be able to learn to have more than one orgasm. A little break might be needed. But more than anything she needs to retrain her thinking. It's more mental than anything.

I would think if you have talked to her about this that she would be willing to at least try to give you what you want some of the time. I know I would try just about anything if I knew it would please my man. And he would do the same for me.

Good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 11:29am

I know I agree with you whole-heartedly. Although I can multi-orgasm which is always nice, just peaking (to an almost orgasm) then changing things up and doing that a few times makes the one that finally happens mindblowing.

I think they are right in the fact that she simply doesn't know how to multi-orgasm. That can be learned with just a little patience. And perhaps a slightly lower libido doesn't help. I know when I go at it alone I just want to get it over with for the relief and will seldom go on to another round (if my lover isn't available). But with my man I am willing to make it last hours if we can lol.

All you can really do is communicate how you feel about it with her and maybe ask her if she is willing to try something once that you want to do. If she really cares about you then she will. If she is selfishly just thinking about herself she won't.

Good luck whatever comes :)




Edited 6/14/2007 11:30 am ET by tami-kins
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:25pm

Thanks for the perspectives girls.
I may try to talk to her about it and see what she says - I know she is very 'timid' when it comes to sexual dialog though so it becomes a bit challenging to get her to open up about what she wants or doesnt etc etc.

As far multitasking and the original thread I really just need to state to her again that it doesnt have to be a marathon event, I just like it to get the juices flowing - although my juices are always flowign so I guess she will wonder about that. I agree in that I just want it because I want it and I wish she would do it for that reason only - THAT is part of the turn on - Having a woman who will do 'stuff' to get you fired up is a major turn on in my book.

Multiorgasmic stuff might be more challenging. She did have a g-spot O once and it was a freak event and it was hot for both of us- but she generally doesnt like that 'gott-pee' feeling that comes with the stimulation - it almost shuts her down period. I have read about it enough and have enough 'other' experience in my past to know that mentally she gets past it and it will be way good for her but this is a woman who has a very difficult time relaxing. In fact I would say that is probably the number one issue we have in bed - she doesnt know how to just turn off her head and focus on one thing - us in that moment and I probably have camped on intense clitoral activity because she just cant get too distracted when I am doing that!

Have any of you ladies ever had this problem? Was it the guy? The lack of performance? The lack of 'hardware'? Before our last child we had awesome sex and never had a problem with being in tune with eachother and coming togetehr etc - but all of that is changed now - she has always been a bit less 'driven' than I am but now that I cannot please her as well as I thought I used to I am a bit more challenged as to what I can do to make it more desirable for her and for her to focus on it. For me the more I have the more I want - period. I am not sure I am able to get the same 'reaction' with her - maybe the multiorgasmic thing would help???

Thanks for the help and insight. Sorry for the novella.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 12:57pm

Its a tough situation for sure. If you are thinking too much about other things of course you are not going to just enjoy the sensations as much. Personally, I have a tendency to shut my mind off when I am turned on and having a good time. I have a hard time even being able to string 2 words together. It works for me but not all women do that. But if she does have a lot of other things running through her head she may not be enjoying it as much as she could, therefore she wants if over as fast as possible. Getting enough sleep (with young children this can be a challenge)?

Talk to her if you can, take her away for a weekend (without kids) and just stay in bed and relax. Even after years with someone there are times that you will learn about the other person when you have the option of being alone for a couple of days with nothing to do but play.

Hope things work out for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 6:17pm

Since things changed after having your last child, it does sound like a motherhood issue to me. Sometimes, women loose interest in sex if they are done having children. Sometimes, having children zaps all their energy and they can't concentrate on sex even if they desperately want to.

She can mention a decrease in libido to her doctor, and they can discuss changes that might be helpful. Also, you can make sure she gets enough rest and time for herself. Sometimes, it's difficult to feel like a sexy partner when you're overloaded with being a mom.

How old are your children? That can make a big difference. If she has trouble relaxing, try a couple of glasses of wine, candlelight, soft music, etc. to enhance the mood.



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