Is my bf bi?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Is my bf bi?
6
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 2:11pm

Well, my bf told me a huge secret over the weekend - something he's never told anyone. We were drunk that night and I think he just wanted to get it off his chest. Here goes. It seems back in highschool (5 yrs ago), one night him and his best friend got pretty drunk. Well, all of a sudden his friend started giving him a bj. Yeah. And it happened again a few months later, and yes, they were drunk again. Well-neither of them are gay, my bf is is a total jock, he hunts, goes fishing, not "metro" at all, anyway. And his friend has a girlfriend also. And my bf said that he is NOT attracted to men, and would never make out/kiss another guy, let alone give another guy a bj. He said just the thought makes him sick. He assured me loves me and only me. He did admit that it felt good(cause at the time he'd never had a bj before) but he said he'd never do it again. And it actually made his friendship with his best friend very awkward.

But now he's so embarrassed and I think he really regrets telling me, although I swore I'd never say anything (this board doesn't count) and I won't. I reassured him that it was ok, and that I didn't love him any less. Because I really believe him when he says it was just some totally strange experience and has no idea why it happened.

So, what do you think of this? I told my bf that thinking about that actually turns me on and told him I think I would like to watch if it ever happened again. He said he knew his friend would probably do it, but he wasn't sure how he felt about it. So, I'm confused. Does this happen to alot of straight guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: miantroy
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 3:24pm

The only one who knows if he is bi is him.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: miantroy
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 4:33pm

I agree. I think what you had was two drunk, horny guys who experimented. Maybe his friend is actually gay or bisexual and not out of the closet but it sounds like your guy just took what was offered because of his condition that night. He said it was a one time thing and that he wasn't attracted to guys.

And I'm not sure how often this goes on with truly "straight" guys but probably more than we know.




Edited 2/7/2006 4:36 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
In reply to: miantroy
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 7:00pm

Hi Miantroy,

It's normal for both boys and girls, and men and women to explore their sexuality with members of their own gender. But experimentation doesn't necessarily define a person's primary sexual identity.

I define myself as a heterosexual in that I find the idea of engaging in sexual activities with women much more desirable than with men. But beginning in childhood, out of a sense of natural curiosity, I did enjoy exploring my sexuality with other males on occasion.

Does that make me bisexual? Perhaps. I haven't had sexual contact, nor have I wanted to, with a male since my youth, but that also does not guarantee that I'll never be attracted to one again.

When we are under the influence of alcohol, our ability to control basic impulses, as we all know, is compromised. In such a state, we are more apt to do things we wouldn't otherwise do while sober, including engaging in sexual behavior that exceeds our usual limitations.

Despite your fantasies, it sounds as if your BF would only be comfortable engaging in homo-erotic behavior under the influence of alcohol, and you should understand and accept his resistance to participate in this kind of activity, and honor his limits.

The much-heralded 2002 foreign film, Y Tu Mamá También, includes a scene in which the 2 young male characters and their recently-separated, 'older-woman' co-traveler are engaging in 3-way sex in a hotel room. All 3 have been drinking heavily, and during their carnal exploits, the 2 men begin kissing one another. The scene then changes to the morning after and we find both men in bed sleeping next to one another. As they gradually awaken and realize what went on the night before, they spring from the bed, and one of them runs outside and throws up.

Your post brought to mind this scene.

Best,

E :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: miantroy
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 9:47am
In my opinion, EVERYBODY is bi. It's just a matter of degree. There is nothing for you to worry about in his story, in fact, it's a great demonstration of trust that he even told you. As to whether you can tell him it's a turn on for you... you might need to be patient and pick your moment carefully. Good luck to you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: miantroy
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 10:16am

"In my opinion, EVERYBODY is bi. It's just a matter of degree."

I don't agree. I think that attraction and sexual arousal are two separate dynamics. I had early experiences(as have my daughters and my husband) with two of my friends(just rubbing genitals together) and I had a brief encounter with my best friend while we were teenagers one night while she was sleeping over. She made the first move, and at first I did get a little aroused, but I went down on her and had to stop almost immediately, and that ended it. We never spoke of it again. I am now 47, and I have NEVER had the desire to have any kind of sex with any woman. I have seen beautiful women, sexy women; women in porn having sex with each other and masturbating; and nothing. I know that I'm not sexually attracted to women at all, but that is very different than acting on something because you've been aroused. It's very much like the molested child. It's a physiological reaction. There's no attraction to their molester....it's pure sexual arousal, nothing more. It's very possible that, that's all it was for your SO...simply a physiological reaction. Bi-sexuality is being attracted to both sexes--I just don't think it's the same thing as experimental or reactive sex.




Edited 2/8/2006 10:19 am ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: miantroy
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 11:14am

"In my opinion, EVERYBODY is bi."

Completely disagree with that statement. I have never had any desire to experiment with other women. Never had so much as a dream about it.

No, I think there are true heterosexuals, just as there are true homosexuals.