My bf can't keep an erection! is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
My bf can't keep an erection! is it me?
3
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:07pm
I love my boyfriend and my boyfriend loves me but he can't seem to keep an erection. I mean it starts out fine but then into it, he goes limp. He doens't understand what it is as well. He says that its not me but that is very hard to believe.

well when i started to get really upset about it, he thought about it and explained it to me but it just doesnt' make sense. So here is what he said. He said that before he started dating me, he used to give himself handjobs( sorry can't think of any other way to put it) everyday, literally. even when he had other girlfriends he still did it everyday. well when we started having sex, he siad he had stopped giving it to himslef, and ever since then its been hard for him to get hard. He also said before when he did used to do it everyday, he would literally get hard over every little thing, like being sleepy or going over bumps and etc.

To me that just doens't make sense...if he stopped doing it to himself, wouldnt' that make a guy more horny since he is not releasing it himself? Is it me? is he not attracted to me? he swears that its not taht...that he thinks i'm the most beautiful women he has ever met...but i just feel like he is just saying that to comfort me? I feel so bad b/c i dont want to lose him but isn't it true that if there is no sexual attraction the relationship won't last? Or he'll end up cheating to get pleased? I dont' know what to do. I love him so much but if i can't please him then won't he look else where? please any advice would help...i feel awful and my self esteem is just down the drains right now. i've never ever experienced any problems even similiar to this. what hurts more is that he said he has never experienced problems w/ any other girl either so is he just not attracted to me? could the handjobs really affect him that much? Anyone????






iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:15pm

I copied and pasted this from the Guy Talk Board:


First of all, if he is having problems keeping an erection, he should see a urologist.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:41pm
I believe that initially the problem wasn't you. However, I firmly believe that your reactions would be exacerbating the problem.

Look at it this way: He's having trouble with his erections and he probably feels bad about it. Then you make a big deal out of it so now he's not only worried for himself, but feeling terrible about you too. Knowing that each time it doesn't happen, you will take it personally and he will have to explain his love and attraction to you yet again. So that just puts more pressure on him, and so he looses the erection again. Pressure is one of the biggest mood killers in sex.

Imagine if he took it personally the times that you don't orgasm....wouldn't it drive you nuts? Wouldn't the knowledge that he'd beat himself up over it just make it all the more difficult for you?

Hon, you need to seriously BACK OFF and not take this personally. Most men will have erectile problems at some stage in their lives, and that's just the way it is. It's not about you.

Have him go to a urologist and get proper medical help.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:25am
I agree with the others....you say you never had this problem before? Guess what, YOU do't have a problem, HE does, and you're not helping him by making a big deal out of it. You've got him completely nervous and stressed out, because he's worried he's not pleasing YOU.....and the stress and nervousness is making that much worse!

When women say that their b/f is upset because the woman isn't having orgasms, and the b/f thinks he's not good enough.......I tell them to tell their b/f to get the ego out of the bedroom......and now, I'm telling YOU that. This is NOT about you. Love and/or attraction has nothing to do with erectile problems. You didn't give his age, or his general health, or if he's on any kind of medications......but chances are it's NOT a physical problem. To be sure, if it happens every time, he should see an Urologist, but I'm sure it's nothing more than the pressure he's putting on himself to "perform" for you. He's doing it to himself, and you're not helping him at all. STOP complaining that he doesn't love you!

Since most women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone anyway, and he doesn't have a problem with his fingers or his tongue, he can STILL give you pleasure, even with no erection. And you can do the same for him, even with no erection. For a while, just forget about intercourse, and take your pleasure any way you can. If you're getting yours, no matter HOW he gives it, the pressure will be off him, and things should get back to normal.

He can also try masturbating again.....there's certainly NO sin in that......happily married men do it all the time! Maybe that will help build his confidence in himself. It certainly won't hurt him!