Is my boyfriend gay or just insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Is my boyfriend gay or just insecure?
15
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 1:24pm
I've been with my boyfriend for about three months and he has not been able to get an erectin yet.. We will have over an hour of foreplay and I will move my hand "down yonder" on him to discover nothing is going on.. This is been every time thus far. It's taking a toll on me because it makes me feel undesirable and unattractive. He's 31 yrs. old & is fairly inexperienced having only been with one woman about ten years ago so I'm trying to cut him some slack but it's getting ridiculous.. I've asked him if there's anything I should be doing differently & he just starts crying saying it's a mental thing with him.. Everything else is great in our relationship, he's a sweet, wonderful guy who treats me like a princess but something has gotta give in the physical department. It's not like I require sex right away but I at least want to know I'm turning the guy on.. He claims he's not gay but (and I know I'm being judgemental here) he doesn't like anything manly such as cars, sports, guy movies, nothing.. He has a Hayley Mills & Friends obsession lol, does this mean anything?? I'm hoping to god I'm just being paranod about the gay thing but my mind starts to wander after lack of sex... He'll talk about girls he finds hot & so forth so I don't know if he's in denial or is just a really gay straight man lol. What do I do? I don't know how to help him through his "mental" problems with sex & he refused to see a doctor over it so I'm stuck! I love him but I don't wanna waste my time with someone who's never going to want to sleep with me. Help!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 1:34pm
By they by he has assured me that he's not gay & it's just a "mental thing" because he's insecure about his body & lack of sexual experience, but does that prevent a guy from ever getting hard? He hasn't given me any advice as to how to make things better for him so I'm at a loss...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:14pm

Not having an interest in "guy" things is not how you judge whether a man is gay or not gay. Lots of gay guys love football, NASCAR, working on cars, etc.

He's told you it's a "mental" thing, and it might very well be. If he's 31 years old, and he's only been with one woman in his life, and that was 10 years ago, then he's definitely NOT very interested in sex, which doesn't make him gay, either. Does he masturbate? If so, then he can give himself an erection! If not, THAT doesn't make him gay either, it just proves he's not very interested in sex.

It's possible that he has a hormone deficiency, or high blood pressure, or a circulatory disease like Diabetes... but only a good check up will answer that possibility. It's also possible he grew up in a very religious or sexually repressive family, and he's emotionally scarred from that. If that's the case, then he needs some professional counselling to overcome his repressions.

If he refuses to get help, then there's nothing you can do for him. If he doesn't want to help himself, then he's not motivated enough to fix his life, and you're right, why bother with someone who can't give you the natural pleasure that men and women give each other.....if he doesn't care enough about it to do something about it.

Just curious, did you ever try giving him oral sex? If not, try it. See if that gives him an erection!

If nothing works, and he's not willing to do something to change things, then you need to tell him that it's normal and natural for a woman to want to have sex with the man she loves, and if he's not interested, then there's no point to a relationship with him. If he wants to stay with you, he has to get help.

It's like any other recalcitrant behavior. It won't change if there are no consequences. If he wants to stay with you, then he has to do something about the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:52pm
he doesn't get hard from oral either... His parents are very religious but he's definitely not so I don't think it's that.. I think it's the fact that he's 31 & a virgin (I don't buy his "once ten years ago" story). I think he's just so nervous of screwing (no pun intended) up or whatever that he psychs himself out.. Yet practice makes perfect, if he's not even willing to try then how can things get better? I've told him I'll let him make the first move for now on so he doesn't feel pressured but then I don't get anything! I'm totally conflicted and I'm trying not to assume the worse (the gay thing) but it's hard (again no pun intended lol).. I feel awful because I love him but I'm a very sexual person and I need to experience that with the guy I love...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 12:31am

Just because he's not religious NOW, he was raised in a religious atmosphere, and he was probably taught by his parents, or the church, or both that sex was sinful, particularly outside marriage, and that decent people don't "enjoy" sex, they just do it for procreation. He may have given up the religion, but you don't just "give up" what was pounded into your head as a child.

If he refuses to do anything about it, either physical or emotional, then he's not going to change. You're beating a dead horse!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:12am

I seriously doubt that it is a "gay" thing. I'd say that it's like he says - it's a mental thing. At 31 years of age, the mental thing is going to be well ingrained and very difficult to break - whatever it is. I'm sure that it can happen, it's just not going to happen over night.

It sounds like he's willing but then he does things and avoids doing or trying other things too. That's confusing. He is not prepared to discuss an extremely personal part of his life in any detail either. I don't blame you for getting frustrated.

We could speculate about his reasons and problems, but he is the only one that *knows* what they are. And he's not giving you, us, or anyone any idea of what the problem might be and how it might be solved. You can't begin to plan how to help him if you have no idea what it is you are trying to achieve. He's the only one that can tell you what you can do to help. Of course it may be something that *can't* be helped. But that's the problem at the moment - we just don't know what it is or how to deal with it.

You have to sit down with him and talk more with him. You need to see a light at the end of the tunnel even if you aren't going to get laid immediately. You need to feel that he's working at this and trying to get there even if he still isn't ready to have sex just yet. Yes, he admits that there is a problem but it seems like he isn't doing anything about it. That's the problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 4:45am

There are no universal signs, for example watching Friends, to tell if a guy is gay. Your sexaul relationship with him is reflective of your relationship with him outside of the bedroom and not the other way around. From reading your posting I get the feeling that there are two issues that need to be resolved. The first issue is that his problem may be physical. It is important for him to get a physical exam to rule out that issue. Another issue is that it could be emotional. In your posting you state that outside of the bedroom everything else is fine. However I wonder if that is the case or if you are not overlooking other issues so that you can resolve yourself to saying that he is gay? While reading your posting you state he treats you like a princess? I am wondering if that puts allot of pressure on him and that puts so much pressure on him that he is not able to perform in bed? It is one thing to be treated like a person but it is another to be put on a pedestal to be admired. Without more information I cannot provide more insight into it.

My recommendation to you would be to take some time and critically examine your relationship with him. I am willing to bet that if you do you will find areas that are not so perfect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 6:10am
I wonder if he may have been abused somewhere along the line. Emotionally, sexually, mentally..... it would be hard to tell if he doesn't open up and tell you more. I would try not to let him feel ashamed, that just might do more damage. A therapist would be his best bet. As far as being gay, I doubt that he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 6:16am
I agree. If feelings of shame were pounded into his head as a child, he may not be able to let go without therapy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 9:47am

As the others have said, what he likes has nothing to do with being gay.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 10:13am

I have a feeling, because he's basically a virgin, he's afraid of how he's going to peform. However I've told him numerous times that I don't expect perfection! Hell I'm sure I don't do everything perfect so I don't expect that from my partner! He also has body issues, he thinks he's obsese (while he just has the typical man beer belly) & unattractive. I have done everything in my power to build up his self esteem when it comes to this but nothing seems to work..

So my question is how much longer do I give this? I am trying to be as patient and understanding as I can but it's already been a few months & I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel becuase nothing is changing.. While I feel bad for him & don't want to end up pressuring him, it's taking a huge toll on my self esteem because I feel highly undesirable.. I'm far from a supermodel but I've never had a problem at least making a guy hard, this is totally foreign to me. I could do without the sex if need be but I need to feel that my boyfriend at least gets turned on by me! Right now he's not even giving me that.. I know if he was gay he wouldn't be wasting his time with me ( I hope ) so I'm trying to put that out of my head, I'm just trying to come (pun intended) with any explanation possible!

I questioned him about it last night (when once again, after an hour of foreplay, he was not hard in the slightest) & again he chalked it up to a mental thing.. It's just getting beyond frustrating because I don't know what I can do to help him & in the meantime a girl's got needs!! How much longer do I deal with this? He's a great guy in so many other aspects & I want it to work out but I need to feel like my boyfriend wants me sexually in additional to mentally.

Pages