my guy sometimes doesn't come?
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| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:42pm |
I am dating a guy (we are more than FWB but not QUITE b/f - g/f). We see each other a couple times a week and generally have sex. He is very attentive and makes sure that I am "taken care of" at least once if not multiple times. The sex is always really hot and I can tell that even on the times when he doesn't come, he gets really close, usually it is something like I just flat run out of steam while being on top and just can't go at the same rhythm or speed to see it through. Usually we can continue on and he will take over and finish. But a couple of times, he has either had to manually stimulate himself or just hasn't finished at all. Last night, he just couldn't finish at all. I could tell he was upset and I was upset because I couldn't return the favor and satisfy him - I tried everything (oral, manual, keeping on with intercourse) and it just didn't happen.
I guess it boils down that I am upset that I don't seem to be able to do it for him. Does anyone have any suggestions on things I might try that would help him? I know I need to talk to him about it too and wondered a good way of bringing it up. I don't want it to seem like a big deal but more that I just want to make sure that I am taking care of him and giving him the same enjoyment out of it that he gives me. I care about him a lot and just want to make him happy.

First of all, you have nothing to be upset about, because you don't "do it" for him, anymore than he "gives" you orgasms. His ejaculation is up to him, not you. If he's got a problem with it, it's his problem, not yours. If he wasn't "into" the sex with you, he wouldn't get an erection in the first place.
If you have sex, and don't have an orgasm, you still enjoy the sex...and the same goes for him. He's enjoying it, but he's got some kind of hang-up that doesn't let him finish during intercourse. And it doesn't happen every time, either. Maybe he's afraid of getting you pregnant. Maybe he's feeling guilt about a non-committed relationship. Maybe he's feeling guilt about pre-marital sex. It could be any one of a thousand reasons.
You don't have to "talk" about it either. That will probably just make it worse. He knows what's happening, and he knows that you know. He deals with it manually, or not at all. You've tried "helping" him, and that does no good. The less attention you bring to it, the better. If HE brings it up, tell him it happens to the best of men occasionally, and if he'll relax, it should take care of itself. Making a big deal of it will just make it into a "self fulfilling prophecy". He'll worry more about it, and the more he worries, the worse it will get.
Let nature take it's course, and it should resolve itself.
Could be he's tired from the day, could be one drink too many, could be after a certain amount of thrusting he's more raw than aroused, could be he's so focused on satisfying you he's can't let *himself* go, any number of things. It doesn't sound from what you're saying that it's chronic, just annoying.
I'll agree that getting overly concerned about it is only going to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe the answer is being the "very attentive" partner once in a while and let him focus on his own satisfaction. Note that I said once-in-a-while, but it sounds like that's as much as is needed.
Funny, this could be a posting from me. I'm also in a FWB relationship and I think I am hoping it will turn into a regular bf/gf relationship but that's wishful thinking on my part perhaps. Anyhow, the guy is unbelievably hot in bed and as you say incredibly attentive but as you say once in a while he does not cum, even though he gets stiff erections for well over an hour if he wants. This w/e he had had a few drinks and although we had fun he wasn't able to cum, and he just laughed it off. Then the next morning we went at it again, and I have NEVER seen a guy produce so much semen. It seemed to me that it was just absolutely all over everything. I just felt sorry for the hotel cleaning crew!
All I'm saying is, I think it's absolutely not a problem if your man doesn't cum every time, and as the other posters said I for sure would not make a big deal of it.
Sounds as if you're doing everything that you CAN do for him, so as GTB recommended, let HIM deal with his own orgasmic issues. You may feel that you're letting him down in some way, but you can't read his mind, much less take responsibility for his orgasm.
He has to be willing and able to respond to what is offered, unless he wants to teach you how to bring him to orgasm. And if he hasn't offered that information, yet, then wait until he does.
It could be that he's developed such a strict or specific way of stimulating himself to orgasm during masturbation, that he may be actually making it harder to respond during partner sex. But, he'll have to figure out and solve that dilemma himself.
Thank you everyone for your responses and advice. YOu all made great points and I am going to try to not feel so uspet about it and also do definitely NOT talk about it! I think it just upset me more this time (it has happened a couple times before) because he seemed frustrated.
katmandoo, you said some things that definitely made me think. He has been divorced for a couple years and a mutual friend told me that he hasn't been with anyone else (dating or sex) since his wife cheated on him. So that makes me think that there are both some emotional and physical reasons. I am sure he has a way of stimulating himself that might make it more difficult to come with a partner since it has been a while since he has been with a partner.
I guess I never thought about the fact that he would be enjoying it even if he didn't come. He definitely seems to be enjoying it! Anyway, thanks again, all.