My Man Will Not Put Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
My Man Will Not Put Out
18
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 12:54am
Hey! I have a problem...Me and my bf have been dating for almost 9 months. Our sex life SUCKS!. I have never been very sexual in the first place but this guy is ridiculous.One I ALWAYS have to initiate. Two it last about 2 minutes ( with the removing off clothes included). and Three he can go approximately a month without doing anything..And when we do have sex it is over quickly andhe can not go again or even continue with some kissing and touching ( i am lucky is he even tries to return the favor , which isn't the same cause I feel like he is not into it anymore. I wanna trust him that he is not with anyone else but this is soo depressing. When i tell him it is a problem for me that i feel unwanted and unattractive he pushes the subject off.. When i cry he tries to console me and promises he will change and we can work this out.. But I mean I get nothing..Not even heavy kissing or heavy touching. We see each other often enough and all he wants to do is watch movies or sleep. But when he eventually goes home we argue because not once did he touch me in an intimate way. I am not expecting a guy to be all over me 24/7 But come on..Maybe once a week even i could live with if it were meaningful and loving with him trying to overcome this problem. I care about him and I would be willing to work this out but how can i be with someone who makes me feel repulsive and not even care???

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 4:28pm

It sounds as if he was pressured into having sex before he was ready!

IF he feels that he is compromising himself, morally, by having sex, then he WOULD try to get it over with as quickly as possible. He obviously doesn't feel good about what's happening, that's for sure! IF he did, then he might be more natually affectionate and be willing to experiment and reciprocate.

Premature ejaculation can make a man feel insecure and embarrassed enough to avoid sex, too.

Another possibility is that he was victimized as a child and that would also explain his sexual avoidance. If that's the case, then he will need to seek counseling.

Talk with him, tell him what you need and what your expectations are from a relationship. IF your ideas don't gel with his, then it's time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:16pm

Well girl,
I just want to let you know you are not the only one out there going through this, I love my man to death and we have our problems here and there as all relationships do but when it comes to "sex" I know exactly how you feel... Although for me I do get it at least once a month BUT sometimes I feel like I get my period more often then I have sex. I have been with my b/f now for just over a year and a half and frankly this issue is getting quite ridiculous, I mean my man would rather pleasure himself in front of a computer than come to me, or if I'm sleeping and wake me up.(I love being woken up when he's all hot and horny,just wish it happened much much more)
I really can't give you much advice on what to do but if you love him try to stick it out and you'll find out the truth as to why he is like this yet if you just can't take it anymore ..time to move on and that is easier said then done.. trust me..
I hope for the best for you and wish me luck..!

furious

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:19am

Hi sweethrt,

I can hear that your depressed and frustrated because you would like to have a more intimate relationship with your boyfriend. Something you may want to keep in mind that will help with those rejection feelings is that nothing he is doing (or not doing)is "making" you feel a certain way. What is creating your feelings is that you have needs that are not being met and you are interpreting his actions as rejection. His lack of desire has nothing to do with how you look, how sexy you are etc. So rather than making his actions about you, focus on your needs, give yourself some empathy and then focus on what he may be needing or feeling (empathize with him). I think it was Kat that mentioned that he might have some abuse issues etc. in his past. That is certainly possible or he may just have a low libido or he might not feel "safe" in your relationship right now.

When someone is not able to meet your needs, it is usually not because the don't want to (especially a love partner)it is usually because they have some needs that are not being satisfied and they are either not fully aware of them, or they don't know how to get them met. It could be a million things, but sex is not that different for a man as it is for a woman. Men too need to feel safe and loved and listened to etc.

Communication is the key to relationship as is compromise.

Good luck and much love to you.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 12:00pm
IMO you should not stay with him. In all probability this situation will only get worse and adversely affect most if not all aspects of your relationship. If sex means a lot to you, you should be with a man who feels the same way about sex. And contrarty to what you see on the CL board, more men than women are really into sex. There are LOTS of nice guys willing to "put out" (as you put it) on a regular basis for a woman that they love. I suggest trying to find one of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 4:01am
Thanks guys for the advice..I don't want people thinking I am only after a guy for that..I am not..It's just alot of things and I have come to the agreement that I have issues I need to work out on my own...I don't want a guy constantly after me for sex but come on I need SOME affection..We had another episode tonight..We had sex, after he was done and content for the rest of the evening. We feel asleep, he tried to wake me up to bring him home..Got annoyed it was soo late and then told me he "gave me what I wanted"...Sorry I want a guy who wants to be with me in everyway..and if we r not having sex GREAT!..HE is still showing me his feelings for me in someother way..Well I don't wanna bore u guys with this dragging old topic but thanks again..*muahZ*
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 12:29pm

Hi Sweethrt143,

I can totally understand how you feel. I may not have any advice for you, being that I am in the same boat, but maybe just knowing that you are not alone in your feelings help. Reading what you wrote has helped me. My bf & I have been dating for a year and I feel like he is cold when it comes to sex. We had sex on our first date, which broke all my rules and that was the only time he ever initiated sex. For the first few months, we had sex three or four times a night every night. Then it was twice a night, once a night, then every other night. Now it is usually just once a week. I always initiate by just stroking him. I can't tell you how many times I was told "no, i'm really tired" which I don't have to tell you, makes me feel like he doesn't want me, which means there must be something wrong with me. Am I repulsive? Is he just not into me anymore? When we do have sex, it is good, which only leaves me wanting more. He is never affectionate outside of bed. We have never kissed out of bed. He never touches me in bed or out. I can count on one hand how many times he has touched my breast. I have no idea as to why. I can't figure it out. Please respond back and we can give each other support. Good luck either way.

Frustrated in 2005

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 7:06pm
Hey. Thanks for the reply..It is kinda helpful to know someone else is going through the same problem..And I hope you felt better knowing the same. Well the short story of that saga is that him and I broke up recently..The sex was only a part of it..Not the entire problem.. It is REALLY tough, but so far I am hanging in..I hope though that in your case you and this guy work it out..Sex isn't everything and I don't even look at it as a big deal..It just hurts when all I hear is "No" and then that I have to be the one to initiate it. it kinda makes me wonder where the rest of the relationship is going..Sooooo I guess that is why we are no longer together..He never say this or any of our other issues as a big deal and preferred to just avoid us entirely.. Well Like I said..I hope ur bf is more open and willing to help you in your situation and listen. Mine wasn't and I don't wanna see you guys end up like us..Write back if you want..I am not always on here so u can always email me at babyg1rl143@aol.com ..Take care..buhbye
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 8:28am
People should not down play the importance of sex within a relationship..it doesnt matter how often a couple makes love, as long as BOTH are happy with it. When a couple starts to get serious, all kinds of subjects are disscussed...having kids, money, jobs, etc...Sexual expectations should be talked about too. Having a relationship with someone who has a different value system and a different sexual libido can cause frustration that transfers throughtout the other aspects of a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 9:51am
I agree. I am a woman, 35, dating a man, 35, who doesn't desire sex as often as I do. I haven't discussed it with him yet (we've been dating a year) because he never wants to talk about anything that resembles "relationship talk" and besides, how do you tell the man you are in a relationship with that you are not happy with the love-making without him getting all defensive and his ego being hurt. When we do have sex, its great, but once a week for me is definately not enough. I noticed that when I am not getting it, when I am being told "no, i'm too tired tonight" that I feel insecure and then my defensive mechanism goes up and I distance myself which causes him to distance himself not even knowing why. It is a vicious circle. But then when we do have sex, it goes back to being the wonderful relationship it normally is. He works seven days a week 12-14 hour days, so he is tired. I feel if you want and desire and love someone, you shouldn't be too tired for a quickie. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Frustrated in 2005!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 1:44pm
Frustratedin..The next time he says hes too tired, take matters into your own "hands"..when he gets an erection, ask him if hes STILL too tired...or maybe start with oral, and when hes hard "climb on board"..I doubt he will cry rape...in other words , be assertive.Trust me, in the end , he wont mind.

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