My self esteem is getting in the way!
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My self esteem is getting in the way!
| Sun, 11-25-2007 - 3:45am |
I absolutely love my guy with a passion but our sex life sucks!!! I have bad self esteem which gets in the way at times cause i don't want to let him see my naked cause im a bigger girl and he's very thin. Like i'm 230 (most people say i look around 180 cause im tall) and he's around 130. He says this doesn't matter but of course i know it matters! Anyways, i seem to have a problem turning him on. No matter what i do he can't stay hard very long and i can't remember ever having a night where it went more than 10 minutes. I have never had a problem with any other man i've been with. He has diabetes and i wonder if that plays a role or not, but still i want to do something to excite him. He, like every other man, responds well to oral sex but he gets so tired any other way. What am i doing wrong? I think he's only satisfied when he's watching porn. I'm fine with porn, but i think he might just watch a bit too much of it. I can't compete with those girls, so maybe i'm letting him down by not being thin, i don't know. If anyone knows how to help, please let me know!!!

You should trust what he says about your weight not mattering — he is right. What you see when you're naked are all of your perceived flaws and imperfections. What he sees is the body of the woman he loves — and boobies! ;o) He oes not want to be having sex with a skinny porn star with fake boobs, he wants to be having sex with you.
Also, diabetes can definitely have an effect of his libido, and his ability to maintain an erection. You should not take this part of his physical reaction personally.
Welcome to the board, Ziggy's Mom.
There could be a couple of things going on with your guy, but most likely your size isn't one of them. Your lack of self-esteem can play into it, so try to let go of your worries about your weight -- at least while you're in the bedroom with him.
Diabetes can cause problems for a guy, both in libido and in maintaining an erection. Has he talked to his doctor about those problems with regard to his diabetes? He really should, as there may be medications the doctor can give him to help with that.
You also say he's watching a lot of porn. Is he also doing that when he's alone and/or spending a lot of time masturbating? Typically, a guy can get a firmer grip during masturbation, and especially if he masturbates frequently, it can make it difficult for him to adjust to the sensations he feels during partnered sex. The easy solution to that is for him to back off from masturbation for a couple of weeks, and then slowly reintroduce it after he's retrained his responses.
Having difficulties with maintaining an erection can also encourage a guy to masturbate more frequently. During masturbation, he doesn't need to have a firm erection for pleasure, and he doesn't have to feel embarrassed like he might during partnered sex. If he's having problems maintaining an erection when the two of you are together, you can try giving him a hand job or oral pleasure, and he can work to satisfy you in those same ways.
Here are a few articles that you might find helpful also:
iVillage Total Health: Erectile Dysfunction Affects 18 Million US Men
http://health.ivillage.com/di/dinews/0,,wbnews_b6skrsst,00.html
Mayo Clinic: Erectile Dysfunction
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/erectile-dysfunction/DS00162/DSECTION=3
3 Ways to Unleash Your Inner Hottie
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,s2b3,00.html
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"He says this doesn't matter but of course i know it matters!"
Hi there. My late wife was around the same weight as you and I weigh 125 pounds on a good day. I can honestly say that no, her weight never, ever bothered me. I loved her with a passion for her pixie like smile, her bubbly ways, and for the way she made me feel.
But, like you, she had self-esteem issues that kept here from enjoying our sex life to the fullest, she too was uncomfortable being unclothed in front of me.
As to the length of time he can keep it up, yes...the diabetes can certainly be a factor. Diabetes affects the circulation, and circulation is what keeps a man erect. If he's getting hard at all because of you, then trust me...you get him going just fine.
As to the porn...one thing a man can be sure of is that he's very seldom gonna fail to have an orgasm when masturbating to porn. He's not going to be fretting about performing or worrying that he's going to go soft in mid-act. Porn is attractive in part because it's looking at women that normally would only be seen clothed and here they are....naked. That's exciting, it adds variety, but it doesn't mean that you aren't the one that turns him on the most. In fact, it can turn him on even more and then he's going to come looking for you... :-)
If, however, looking at porn is all he's doing and he stops looking to you, or if it occurs frequently enough that you're beginning to feel deprived then it is indeed a problem and you two need to discuss it, he needs to address it.
But again, I doubt it has anything to do with your body. A lot of men who have Hollywood starlet wives ignore them in favor of porn. As with anything else it can either be used in moderation and serve a purpose (as my new bride says "You can get your appetite elsewhere, but you eat at home"), or it can become an addiction and lead to serious issues in a marriage.
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