My Self Esteem Is Nowhere To Be Found!
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| Mon, 07-05-2004 - 5:37pm |
My girlfriend, who has never been anything but honest to me, says that I'm the best lover by far she's ever had, and that still doesn't help me. I made the mistake early on of asking about the biggest she's ever had. There have been a couple much bigger than me (9 or so inches and much thicker), and now I am consumed with the idea that I just can't compare. Again, she tells me that that's all they had to offer, and my skills as a lover way surpass any others before me.
My self-esteem issues in this department began early. When I was 17 (I'm 43 now and recently divorced) I lost my virginity. The girl to whom I lost it attended a high-school party (while we were seeing each other). At this party, a rather proud young man was displaying his unusually large penis to everyone. My then girlfriend decided she had to have this giant and promptly bedded him that evening. I was informed by her the following Monday that she was leaving me for him. To make matters worse, it quickly spread around my school that she dumped me for a guy with more equipment.
This became a huge issue for me and has been compounded by other comments through the years.
I've known several women friends who had loser boyfriends who made it known that the only reason they stayed with them was the size of their members.
When my girlfriend first told me about her biggest lover from the past, she said that she commented to him when first seeing his penis that "Wow...look at the size of that thing...you're mother must be very proud." I'd give anything to get that kind of reaction just once in my life. Just once I want to know what that feels like.
I'm at the point now where even looking at a picture of the Washington Monument reminds me that I'm just average...nothing special about me.
I know my girlfriend regrets ever saying anything to me about past loves. And it makes me feel terrible that my response gives her regrets. She's made comments in the past that I can't say anything about to her because they hurt me, and I don't want her to feel like she has to watch every word that comes from her mouth. For example, yesterday we were talking about lovers we'd erase from our past if we could. I told her I'd love if she could erase "Ray" (the biggest). She said, "Honey, I wish you could get past this. His penis wasn't all that." I know she meant to make me feel better, but the message in my head was, "Well, if his wasn't all that at 2 inches longer and much thicker than me, then what does that make me?"
I don't even know why I'm writing this.

NOTE: AVERAGE penis is 5.25 inches long.
I hope this doesn't come across as HARSH: there is more to you than just betwen your legs.
Mac, age 54
As a woman and one of many woman who feel the same way about penis size as I do, the size of the penis
I have been with men that had large penises......my cervix wishes I had never met them.... No matter what position we used...they slammed into my cervix and it hurt. Really hurt.
They also relied on their large penises as the be-all-and-end-all...in other words, they weren't great in bed....they just had a large penis and figured that was good enough.
From a girl's point of view....it's not all it's cracked up to be. Honest.
I know it's hard to put self-esteem issues to rest.....and maybe high school kids said things that hurt you a long time ago.....but they were just being mouthy and stupid...LOL....high school, remember??......
You sound like a great man with a lovely penis! Use it well : ).
Do you know, it's not what happens to us, but how we choose to deal with it that makes us the person we are.
We have all had less than nice things happen to us.
1.) 7" is OVER average, and you know that.
2.) Be glad you're not John Holmes, because if you asked 100 women about him, probably 98 of them would say that they wouldn't go anywhere NEAR him!
3.) Only a man with low self esteem would concern himself with his g/f's past lovers. It's part of the "pleasure" of beating yourself up. Who cares about the past, or past lovers? What if she started bugging you about the breast sizes of your past g/f's? Wouldn't you get SICK of reassuring her that it makes no difference? If her "big" lover was so great, why is she with you? Stop worrying about the past, you can't change it. She left him, and she's with you now. As for what happened in high school...well, you're not in high school anymore, and when you grow up, you realize the things that mattered then don't matter in the adult world.
4.) You must have hung around some pretty shallow women, or pretty stupid women. Most women know that the size of a man's penis has NOTHING to do with what kind of lover he is. Most women, if they love a man, they love his penis, no matter WHAT size it is.
5.) Last, but certainly NOT least, the penis is only one tool that a man has to please a woman. Not only is it not the only one, but most women get just as much, if not more pleasure from oral and manual foreplay as they do from intercourse. Why? Because the vagina really has very little feeling, and the pleasure from intercourse is more emotional than physical. A woman's MAIN pleasure center is her clitoris, and that's where she gets most of her orgasms.
If you can't get over this obsession, then maybe you need to get some counselling. You're selling yourself "short" with this obsession. (pun intended!)
Your post says you are in therapy...that's good. You are receiving this professional's help, so accept that help and believe what he/she says. When you are plagued with self-hate thoughts and put-downs in your head, use a technique called "thought-stopping". If you want to learn more about that, ask your therapist to give you materials about it.
You are recently divorced, according to your post. Dealing with divorce is emotionally traumatic and takes time to recover from. The level of grief and anxiety associated with divorce is very high...nearly the same level as one who has lost a loved one to death. Many men refuse to deal with that and push it aside, rather than dealing with all those feelings head-on. Those men end up dealing with it eventually, and it can often destroy other relationships along the way until they do.
Maybe your anxiety about other things going on in your life right now, is being projected onto your penis issue and self-loathing.
My hubby is your age. He used to believe he had a small penis, and I couldn't believe he thought so. I don't know why he thought so. Finally, through reading facts in men's magazines and such, he finally began accepting that he does not have a small penis...but for some reason, not quite convinced. This baffles me. To me, it's a very big penis!! Like another poster said, I never wanted one of those huge guys in the least; it hurts my cervix and is way too much. I like vigorous sex, and I just cannot have vigorous sex with a too-big penis and enjoy it at all. If my hubby was any bigger, he would be TOO big! In fact, if we're not careful, he can hurt me. One night when we were playing around, I asked him if he'd ever measured it, and he said no. I thought, "I'll convince him just how big he is." I got him as erect as I could and measured it for him. He measured just over 7" He knew from reading that the average is 5.25 or 5.5 (depends where you read). He also read someplace that if you put your erect penis in an average toilet paper roll and it fills it up, you're thick. He couldn't even get is in one of those, it was thicker. Slowly but surely, he seems to be changing with this penis size inferiority complex he has.
I hope you get help and learn to love your body. When you can relax and know you are fully accepted by your lover, sex, and life in general, will be so much happier and more fulfilling for you. :)
Anytime one has uncontrollable, irrational thoughts, then ALL treatment should be considered. I know you're seeing a therapist, but there are many medications for the condition that might benefit you and assist with your progress.
May I also suggest that you need to refocus and learn to appreciate all the good things in your life (including your penis)
A good first step would be volunteering your time to help those who are less fortunate than yourself.