My wife is seeking comfort elsewhere

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
My wife is seeking comfort elsewhere
6
Sun, 05-18-2014 - 7:29am

We have been happily married for 10 years and we have two wonderful children.
My wife's mother passed away recently, so things have been rough here for the past week or so. She does not sleep much, and gets up sometimes in the middle of the night and lays on the couch where her mom died.
I found her there early one morning, and I helped her up and moved her to the bedroom.
When I went back to the living room, I noticed she had her laptop on, so I was going to shut it down for her.
Her work emails were open, and I noticed the email she still had open was from a guy named Steve.
Steve happens to be the name of her old boyfriend, so curiosity got the better of me, and I read what was there.
Come to find out, Steve had recently lost HIS mom - like within days that my wife did.
The email thread at the bottom started out with Steve saying he was sorry about her loss, and told her he was there for her if she needed anything.
She wrote back to him thanking him and then offering her support to him as well.
His next email "joked" that maybe they should get together for awhile sometime and comfort each other.
Her next email to him floored me - she wrote "that actually sounds wonderful, I will let you know how my schedule works out next week and maybe I can sneak away".

I suppose there is a chance they would get together just to talk - but from what my wife has told me, they had pretty much a mostly physical relationship. We actually sometimes talk about him when WE are having sex (that's another story).

I hate to admit it - but part of me was kind of excited at the fact that she may hook up with Steve. I am not worried at all about her leaving me or our family for him - I honestly think it would just be a few hours of them "comforting" each other.

I guess I don't know if I should tell my wife I know about the emails - or just let her see him.
I am almost curious as to what excuse she will give for being away. She only works part-time, but she could say she had to work late, or went to visit someone...or who knows. I honestly am looking forward to her coming home that night, and her not knowing that I "know" - and us maybe having our own fun.

Not sure what to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Sun, 05-18-2014 - 1:30pm

This is obviously a very difficult situation and no-one can advise you what to do. I recently sought comfort in the arms of a friend. My husband became suspicious and read my messages when I left my phone lying around. He didn't tell me he knew for nearly a week, he said this was because he was afraid I was going to leave him. When I assured him I didn't love the other man and had no intention of leaving my husband he said he wished he had never read the messages. He wanted me to be happy, he knows I'm going through a difficult time right now and he has been trying to help me through but not managing. He told me as long as I wasn't intending to leave him for someone else I didn't have to end the other relationship, I suppose he must truly love me if he is prepared for me to be with someone else to make me happy.

It is true, I really don't love the other guy, we really are just friends and have been since before I met my husband but he is also just exactly what I need right now and I don't know how I would get through without him.

Sorry I can't be more help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 05-19-2014 - 12:27pm

This is strange.  Not only do you suspect that she might cheat on you......you seem to be "excited" about it!  In any case, I think you should be honest, and tell her you looked.  Sorry, but losing a loved one is NOT a reason or excuse to "cheat".......and that's what "seeking comfort" is.  It says that there is something missing in the relationship, or in the person that's looking elsewhere. Get it out in the open and deal with it.  If it excites you, tell her that, too.  Communication is he only way to succeed in marriage.  Good Luck.  PS:  I lost a sibling, two parents and two grown children while I was married, and didn't look anywhere else for comfort.

Avatar for chevronscarf
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2014
Mon, 05-19-2014 - 1:44pm

It sounds to me like this may be a fantasy of both of yours. I'd be open with her about it, letting her know you know, but that it excites you as well and see where that leads you. 

Avatar for love.actually
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2005
Mon, 05-19-2014 - 3:58pm

I agree with chevronscarf - if you're talking about this guy while you're having sex with your wife, then it seems like there is a fantasy aspect to this. Though, I'd be concerned about this guy's feelings. He may not be into this fantasy you both have. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2013
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 9:49am

Maybe you are excited at the prospect of her cheating so you can do it yourself... rather like a hall pass.

More sex please, I'm British!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2012
Wed, 07-02-2014 - 9:51am

Say this prayer:

> A PRAYER TO POMBAGIRA MY QUEENPOMBA GIRA MARIAPADILHA OF THE 7CROSSROADS, GOWHEREVER ( THE FULLNAME OF THEPERSON) E DON’T LETHIM REST, DON’T LETHIM SLEEP,DON’T LETHIM TALK, DON’T LETHIM BE CHEERFUL,DON’T LET HIM FEELPLEASURE UNTIL HETALKS TO ME,ITIS,FOR THE POWERSOF EARTH, FOR THEPRESENCE OF FIRE,FOR THEINSPIRATION OF AIR,FOR THE VIRTUES OFWATER,I INVOKE THE13 BLESSED SOULSFOR THE POWER OFTHE SACRED HEARTS ETHE TEARS SHED FORLOVE,SO THAT THEYGO TO WHEREVER( THE FULL NAME OFTHE PERSON)IS ATTHIS MOMENT ANDBRING HIS SPIRIT TOME, TO TIE ITDEFINITELY TO MINE.HIS SPIRIT WILL SOAKIN THE ESSENCE OFMY LOVE E WILL BEBACK IN DOUBLE.(THE FULL NAME OFTHE PERSON) WILLNEVER DESIREANOTHER WOMANAND HIS EYES WILLALWAYS BE ONLY ONME.. IT WILL BE!HAIL POMBA GIRAMARIA PADILHAQUEEN OF THE 7CROSSROADS! I ASKYOU: GO , TURNAROUND, GOWOMAN, TURNAROUND IN MYFAVOUR BRINGING( THE FULL NAME OFTHE PERSON) TO ME,ASKING; MOVEAIR,TRANSFORMFIRE,MOVEAIR,TRANSFORM FIRE,WATERBECOMES,EARTHHEALS, IT TURNS THEWHEEL TURNS, ITTURNS THE WHEELTURNS IT WILLBRING (THE FULLNAME OF THEPERSON) BACK TO MEAS SOON ASPOSSIBLE NEXT TOME, HE WON’TDESIRE ANOTHERWOMAN, HE WILL BEFINE ONLY BY MYSIDE, HE WILL MISSME AND WILL COMETO MEET ME AND ASKME TO NEVER LETHIM GO.(THE FULLNAME OF THEPERSON) WILL WANTME AND WILL NOTSTOP THINKINGABOUT US TOGETHER.IT IS AND IT WILLBE.HAIL POMBAGIRA! HAIL 7 SKIRTS!HAIL YOUR SITERS,MARIA MULAMBO,MARIAPADILHA,SHIVERED,AND ALL THEOTHERS ! HAIL 7SKIRTS! MY GOODFRIEND, WOMAN OF7 EXUS, DEFENDEROF THE WOMEN!HAIL 7 SKIRTS!MYKIND AND GLORIOUSPRINCESS.I KNOWYOUR STRENGTH ANDYOUR POWER, I ASKTHE FOLLOWING:( THE FULL NAME OFTHE PERSON) WILLNOT SLEEP IF HE ISNOT SURE THAT WEARE TOGETHER, HISBODY WILL BURNINTO DESIRING ME,(THE FULL NAME OFTHE PERSON)’SDESIRE FOR ME WILLMAKE HIM BLINDFOR OTHERWOMEN,THE OTHERWOMEN WILL NOTSEE HIM AS AMAN,THE OTHERWILL NOT MAKE (THEFULL NAME OF THEPERSON) DESIRETHEM,WILL NOT GIVEHIM PLEASURE I AMTHE ONLY ONE WHOWILL HAVE THISPOWER.(THE FULLNAME OF THEPERSON) WILL NOTLOVE, KISS, HUG ANYWOMAN ANYMOREAND WILL LET ME BEIN HIS HEARTS. TEAROTHER WOMENAPART FROM HIM,THE OTHER WOMENWILL NOT WANT HIMANYMORE.( THE FULLNAME OF THEPERSON) WILL LOOKFOR ME AT ALLTIMES, TODAY,NOWWISHING TO BE BYMY SIDE, HE MISSESME, (THE FULL NAMEOF THE PERSON)WILL ALWAYS HAVEMY IMAGE IN HISTHOUGHTS AT ALLTIMES OF HIS DAYAND NIGHT. RIGHTNOW, WITHWHOMEVER ANDWHEREVER YOU ( THEFULL NAME OF THEPERSON) WILL STOPAND HIS THOUGHTSWILL BE WITH ME.WHEN YOU LAYDOWN, WHEN YOUWAKE UP, YOU WILLDREAM ABOUT MEAND FOR THIS YOUWILL LOVE ME MOREEVERYDAY, IF YOUARE SLEEPING WAKEUP MISSING ME. YOUWILL BE GLAD TOHEAR MY VOICE. (TEHFULL NAME OF THEPERSON) WILL FEEL ADESIRE FOR ME THATIS NOT NORMAL LIKEHE HAS NEVER FELTFOR ANY OTHERWOMAN AND NEVERWILL. HAIL 7 SKIRTS!MY KIND ANDGLORIOUS PRINCESSFOR THE 7 EXUSTHAT FOLLOW YOURSTEPS,I PLEA AND IBEG, TIE ( THE FULLNAME OF THEPERSON)TO THE 7KNOTS OF YOURSKIRTS AND TO THE 7BELLS OF YOURCLOTHES FOR ME. ITHANK YOU FORYOUR WORK FORME.I WILL MAKEPUBLIC YOUR NAMEIN EXCHANGE OFTHIS WISH, BRING(THE FULL NAME OFTHE PERSON) TODAYAND LET HIM BEALWAYS WITH ME,LET HIM BE MINE,LET HIM BE ALWAYSWITH ME AND TODAYHE WILL THINKABOUT ME, HE WILLCALL ME AND HEWILL BEBACK TO ME,BECAUSE HE WILLNOT STAND BEINGFAR AWAY FROM ME,BECAUSE HE WILL BEAFRAID OF LOSINGME, HE WILL COMESAYING THAT HEWANTS ME ALWAYSWITH HIM, AND HEWILL WANT ME TO BEHIS WIFE ANDMOTHER OF HISCHILDREN.LIKE THISIT IS.I TRUST THEGROUP OF POMBAGIRA OF THE 7CROSSROADS, EVERYTIME THIS PRAYER ISREAD IT WILL BESTRONGER, THAT ISWHY I WILL SEND ITTO THE 4 CORNERSOF THE WORLD,ASKING OH MOTHERMAKE THIS WISHCOME TRUE: I WANTTO BE WITH ( THEFULL NAME OF THEPERSON) I KNOW THEGROUPS OF POMBAGIRA ARE ALREADYBLOWING MY NAMEINTO ( THE FULLNAME OF THEPERSON) ‘S EARS DAYAND NIGHT, HE WILLNOT EAT,SLEEP ORDO ANYTHINGUNLESS HE IS WITHME, I TRUST THEPOWER OF THE 7CROSSROADS ANDWILL CONTINUESPREADING THISPOWERFUL PRAYER,