My wife is too shy. What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
My wife is too shy. What can I do?
24
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 11:51am

My wife is too shy and prudish. She doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex. She won't flirt with me in any sexual way. She will wear sexy nightgowns or occasionally a thong but before I can walk into our room she turns off all the lights and hides under the covers. She then turns her back to me and expects me to start kissing her neck to get her turned on. She will not fondle me unless I ask her to or force her hand down there.

She's 31 and we've been married for 8 years. She's in great shape & I always tell her how beautiful & sexy she is. She's thought about pole dancing classes but says she's too shy.

Do you ladies have any ideas that I can use to thaw her out and get her to come out of her shell? It's all getting to be just too damn frustrating.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 12:14pm

Shy is just another word for "insecure". She probably grew up in a home where sex was either made to sound nasty and disgusting, or it just wasn't discussed at all. Or maybe it was a religious thing....sex isn't for pleasure, it's for procreation. It's obvious that she's "interested", or she wouldn't wear sexy nightgowns or thongs......but once you react, she's back into her shell. More than likely, she's worried that you'll think less of her if SHE acts sexy......this way, she gets what she wants....but you're the dirty old man, lol

There's not much you can do to fix another person's insecurities.....other than reassure her that you love her, and that what goes on between two people who love each other is beautiful, and wonderful, and it's a true expression of love and intimacy. You might also try to explain to her that sometimes a man needs to feel "wanted", too.....and it would thrill you no end to have her "come on" to you occasionally.

As for the "lights"......try candlelight. Slow steps. There's not much you can do to erase what's in her mind except to reassure her that you love her.....and want her, and want to know that she wants you as much as you want her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 12:50pm

I agree with Sakura, there's nothing you can do to get her past whatever is holding her back with the exception of talking to her about it, let her know you love her, there's nothing she should be shy or embarrassed about being with her husband.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 1:10pm
my question i guess is how was your sex life prior to marriage? that is if you guys had sex before you got married. secondly, you say you have been married for 8 years, has she always been this way? if yes, then why all of a sudden is it something you might be concerned about? has something changed within the relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 3:05pm

She was raised in a real open minded home where on one else is shy about discussing sex. We lived together for about a year before getting married. I know that the issue of keeping the lights off and hiding is her being self conscious about her body. She gained some weight when our kids were born (we both did) but she has lost that & is just about the same weight as when we met. She works out a lot and I just think she is sexy as hell. I drive myself crazy thinking about her when I'm at work and can't wait to see her when I get home. I've tried the candles. Sometimes she's ok with them, most of the time not.

The sexual shyness as far as touching me or discussing sex has always been there. Sometimes she'll relax if we have a few drinks. Sometimes she'll talk dirty in the height of sexual pleasure but it never goes beyond that. Recently she asked me what my fantasies were while we were in the middle of foreplay, "What do you want to do to me that you've never done with any other woman?"

I knew it was sort of a baited question because I know that what I was going to mention she would never do. She asked me again so I took the jump. I mentioned that I love to see her dressed sexy, maybe a lap dance from her or a little strip tease. She just chuckled and said 'Yeah, right'. I mentioned that I would love to receive oral sex from her. And it doesn't always have to be orgasm, just more spontaneous and initiated by her. I hate asking for it. I mentioned that I would love to cum in her mouth or on her tits. She just shot that down and said 'What else?'. I mentioned I would like to try anal with her. She laughed and said 'Oh, you like ass sex?'.

At that point I decided to just keep my mouth shut and take whatever she was willing to offer. She had done her job of making me feel dirty and guilty for sharing my fantasies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 3:20pm
Hi and welcome Adam, It's hard to say what will be helpful seeing as we really don't know her. It's something that she needs to be comfortable with. But I have a question... Did you then turn the table and ask her what she wanted? Maybe she was hoping that's what you would have done. Do you think she would come her and talk to people? Ok, so that was two quetions...



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 3:29pm

everyone has their own opinion and i guess that is why we post on these boards to hear all types of experiences. i believe that a relationship is give and take between two people and if they love each other they should be willing to at least be open to each other's needs. my opinion is that your wife may have some issues that you are unaware of and therefore, she might benefit from counseling. all of the things you listed as part of your fantasy seem within reason to me. i was not into anal sex or better yet let me say, i didn't participate in it until my current b/f and he just mentioned it to me in conversation one day while he was telling me how fine my azz was. i figured what the heck, i will surprise him next time and if i don't like it, or it hurts or whatever at least i tried and that is what was important (at least to me).

do you do things for her in your sex life that she requests - or is that an area she is shy in too? she is missing out on so much more a connection with you and i believe that if she really understood that she might be more open about what is really bothering her about things.

you are correct about the question she asked as being a loaded question, almost like asking "does this dress make me look fat" - ya know. either way, i think it is sad that you feel as though you should just keep your mouth shut and accept what she is willing to give, that is not healthy for you just as it wouldn't be healthy for her. communication is one of the most important things in a relationship and by you not speaking your mind you are polluting the marriage.

i hope that you can find some kind of resolution. there are alot of men and women on this board with some great advice!

good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 3:58pm

Thanks for you input... all of you. No, I did not ask her about her fantasies at that time. I have asked her in the past and she refuses to share any of her thoughts. She says it is embarrassing. Sometimes she has erotic dreams about us but she refuses to tell me anything in the dreams. It's just very frustrating. While our sex is somewhat active, the foreplay and sharing of sexual desire feels one sided.

I will do just about anything she requests. I have no inhibitions but I don't force anything with her. I am very affectionate and always try to stay within her bounds of comfort.

I do not think she would come here to talk to people. I noticed how open this group discusses these issues and I was interested in your opinions. I am tired of being made to feel dirty and guilty for having these sexual desires and fantasies.

I'll keep trying little things to make her feel comfortable, sexy and loved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 4:55pm

While I cannot identify totally with your situation, my soon to be husband is quite shy about things of a sexual nature. I am quite satisfied in the bedroom, and he is very attentive to my needs, ans vice versa. But, sometimes I would like to have him talk dirty to me, and discuss each others fantasies without him feeling uncomfortable. His uncomfortableness makes me uncomfortable. So... I came up with an idea.. I haven't tried it yet, but I am hoping it works.

Both of us use email quite a bit, so I was thinking about starting a string of emails where we ask each other questions and share our fantasies in such a way that is "safe", where loaded questions (if there are any) can be contemplated before answering, so as not to be "put on the spot", so to speak. Maybe your wife would be up for something like that, or perhaps writing little notes to each other to keep a conversation going. I know sometimes when I am feeling shy or hesitant about discussing something, I worry about it coming out all wrong and it is better for me to write my thoughts out. Just an idea that might work for ya......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 5:59pm

Welcome to the board adam2007.

I'm sorry to hear you're having the problems that you are. As the others said, just keep reassuring her how you feel about her. Insecurity is a difficult thing to overcome, but it can be done!

How does she respond when you do compliment her? I know that I always had the "yeah right, you need glasses" attitude with my DH. He obviously adores me, and I know that, but I don't know how to take a compliment. We finally discussed this, and came to the realization that it was like I was actually insulting him by not accepting his compliment. It made him feel bad, and it wasn't good for my own "good feelings" either. We made a deal...I have to accept his compliments. A simple "thank you" is fine, and I can think whatever I want in my head, but I can't toss it to him. It's really helped a lot, and I can't even begin to tell you how good it's been for me!

Another thing that came to mind when thinking about her "loaded question" ... is there any reason why she is putting you in that spot? For instance, if she found out you were looking at porn or something, would that make her think dirty of you? I just find it odd that she would react as she did after having asked you about your fantasies in the first place.

I know you mentioned the two of you have kids, but how much time do you get to yourselves? Is there anyone that can take the kids for the night every now and then? I know that being a "mom" can really take over. If you can send the kids off for a day or two -- or get away to a hotel for just the two of you, then both of you can relax and try to have some unplanned, unroutine sex. I think that's really healthy for couples, and a great way to break out of a bad routine.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket




my partner in the siggy exchange






iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 6:26pm

I just wanted to address the "loaded question" issue as I see it quite differently than the other posters. It sounds alot like something I would do to my dh - but with the intention of getting the conversation going. It's difficult to step up and admit a fantasy sometimes especially if you are shy or uncertian. I wonder if maybe she was hoping you would ask about hers - that gives her 'permission' to voice them, and if you've already shared yours there is less 'risk'. I didnt read her responses as shutting you down or indicating her dislike, I read them more as if they had a curious tone - but maybe I am missing something there can be alot of meaning conveyed outside of the acutal words someone has used.

I think the most important thing you can do is communicate with each other. Create an open and accepting envoirnment where you can each express your desires and fantasies without fear of being rejected for them. Although you should each be able to express that a particular fantasy is not of interst - the tricky part is in doing so without making your partner feeling like its HER you are rejecting. It all has to come in babysteps.

Good Luck and talk, talk and talk some more till you both become comfortable with your own (and one anothers) sexuality.

E.

Pages