My wife is too shy. What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
My wife is too shy. What can I do?
24
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 11:51am

My wife is too shy and prudish. She doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex. She won't flirt with me in any sexual way. She will wear sexy nightgowns or occasionally a thong but before I can walk into our room she turns off all the lights and hides under the covers. She then turns her back to me and expects me to start kissing her neck to get her turned on. She will not fondle me unless I ask her to or force her hand down there.

She's 31 and we've been married for 8 years. She's in great shape & I always tell her how beautiful & sexy she is. She's thought about pole dancing classes but says she's too shy.

Do you ladies have any ideas that I can use to thaw her out and get her to come out of her shell? It's all getting to be just too damn frustrating.

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Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 7:34pm

Welcome to the board an_open_mind, and thanks for joining in.



We have a July Roll Call going. It would be great to sign in and let other members get to know you a little bit better.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 8:29am

Hi Adam,

It sounds like you are very loving and giving husband and I just wanted to voice the opinion that I think you are on the right track as far as doing the little things to make her feel more comfortable about her own sexuality and body image. It is important that if she is feeling not as beautiful as you see her as for you to tell her -- every day! Also you got some great advice her from everyone else about when she asks a leading question, turn it around and ask her about her fantasies or desires.

Maybe try a weekend away from the kids and consider also adding some toys to your sex life. Simple things that she is willing to accept for right now. Let her know when you look at her how desireable she is in your eyes. That is a look that my BF gives me that just sets me on fire because I KNOW how much he wants me and how attractive he finds me.

Wish you much luck. And hoping things get better for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 9:29am

Hi. I like the idea of writing back and forth. Sometimes when I'm extremely frustrated, it's hard to get things out and I'll do that to DH.

One thing I might suggest also, is to talk outside of the bedroom. Take a little bit of what everyone's said, but just do it outside of the bedroom. Make sure you let her know how YOU feel. I have to always remind myself to do that with DH. Express my emotions, own them, don't blame them on him. Just simply tell her you want to talk about some things, tell her you're feeling frustrated and you need to talk with her to figure some things out. Ask her about the fantasy thing, I agree that she might actually have wanted you to ask her. I know I have fantasies myself, when I ask DH, he says he never has any, I feel it is impossible to tell him about them. That's my own hangup, not his fault. And, the one thing I have confided in him, he really doesn't do anything about it, makes me not want to open up further. It is much easier to open your fantasies up to someone if you know they have some too. Tell her how sexy you think she is. Tell her you really want her to accept your compliments, let her know how it makes you feel when she doesn't. You said she's worked really hard to get back to where she was before the kids, tell her that you enjoy seeing her like that again, not the fact of being thin, but the fact of her taking charge of her own life and making positive changes, tell her you think she's "hot" if you do, and that you really want to see her. She might have some lose skin or wrinkles she didn't have before, some stretch marks she doesn't want you to see. Those things do not go away with any amount of exercise and workout that you can do. Those are natural things, it doesn't make us like them any more. That might be one reason she kills the lights, so you can't see it. Find out if that's the case, and if it is remind her you're getting older too and there's things about your body that you don't like but that you LOVE her's and would like the opportunity to appreciate it and show that to her.

"I have asked her in the past and she refuses to share any of her thoughts. She says it is embarrassing. Sometimes she has erotic dreams about us but she refuses to tell me anything in the dreams." ---- tell her it's time for her to open up to you. Ask her if she trusts you enough to share these things with you. Be willing to share your fantasies with her again, maybe one at a time, baby steps. Ask her to help you fulfill one of your fantasies, and then you can help fulfill one of hers. Remind her that you don't think any less of her for what she thinks about, that it might actually bring you closer together. By becoming more intimate, and aware of the other's needs, you're actually making your marriage stronger at a time when a lot of marriages are falling apart, KWIM?

Best wishes
Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:13pm


Hi Adam,

I was reading your answers to my post and I just felt for you.
So I had to see if maybe you had posted any thing else.
Reading your story hit me hard cause I was the same as your wife
about sex. Now I was a virgin with dh so it was really hard for me
to open up to dh. It took Yrs to get where we are now sexually.
There was no way I'd tell him a fantasy or walk around naked or
say any thing dirty. Talk about taboo. I thought he was crazy!!
This might sound funny but I remember him getting me to just say something
any thing dirty out of the bed room I wouldn't use any type of sex slang.
He started by getting me use to calling his penis a dirty name.
It was a way of SLOWLY breaking down the walls I had built. Now I did not
say ok . I laughed at first and felt very shy and dirty. but over time i got comfy with
it. I also wouldn't just touch him he did all the touching in the beginning.
He asked me to just try and he would guide my hand and he complimented me with
every touch. Like he would say baby that feels sooo good. I felt comfortable because
he guided me and he never made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Even if I was
he did not tell me cause he knew that would make me want to stop. Now oral is a whole
nother story. I'm not going to go there. But what i am trying to get across is that
I had to be taught how to be sexual and I also had to face my fears of letting my self
be exposed. I think your wife is afraid of exposing her self not only to you but in general. I also think that the loaded question she asked is her way of reaching out.
Email is a great way to communicate because you are looking at a screen so you don't feel
so vulnerable come up with some questions you could ask her and she can ask you questions in return this will also help break down the walls she has built. Hang in there cause
when she does open in up it will be the best sex ever. And yall will have a AWESOME connection. Not only that she will feel grateful to you for opening her eyes and for staying by her side threw all these yrs.

I really hope this helps.
I wish the best for you.
Kareese

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:54pm
All the advise given to you sounds really great and I was just wondering if you have any news at all for us here! I really feel for you (along with the others) and I hope that things have at least started to progress. I was just hoping you might have an update.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 7:22pm

I just had a thought, well, more like a memory. I was really shy when I first became sexual and I would never dream about giving oral. It wasn't because I thought it was dirty or anything like that, I just thought it was going to taste really bad and that it was gross. Well, the way my bf got me over that was by talking to me rationally, outside of the bedroom. He said that it made him feel like I thought he was gross and that for him, it would make him feel very close to me. Because, knowing how I felt about it, if I did it, it would mean that I loved him enough to do it for him. I'm sorry if that sentence is hard to read. But, him telling me that, instead of just asking me to do it (not that you are doing that at all) made me think of what was more important to me; not doing oral or trying something that would bring us closer. So, I did it, and it wasn't what I thought it would be. I still had to get used to it, it wasn't gross, but I still had those feelings to overcome, and now I love giving head.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you can talk to her outside of the bedroom and try to get her to see how it is making you feel and why you would like to try something new, that it isn't her not being good enough, you might have better luck. The best of luck to you!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 11:05am

Wow, the response on this has been amazing, thanks to everyone. Kareese and many others make a good point for baby steps and it has been helping alot. I assure her often about how beautiful and sexy I find her. She does have some stretch marks and I understand how that can make her feel. I'm trying to convince her that I do not care, they are invisible to me.

We have had some great conversations about this all outside of the bedroom. She said she knows that it makes things uncomfortable between us and talking about it is helping. I want to suggest emailing each other back & forth. I think that would help too. We have candles in the bedroom now and foreplay is being reciprocated. One thing that has always confused me is that sometimes she acts like sex is the furtherest thing from her mind and then there are times when she acts very aggressive and a little wild in bed. I get frustrated wondering why it's not always like this?!

She said that her monthly cycle effects her interest in sex to extremes. When she is ovulating she cannot stop thinking about sex and looses some inhibitions. From about 10 days before her period to about 2 days after her period she looses her sex drive. She'll be up for a quicky but she's just doing that for my pleasure. She still wants to feel close and cuddle but not much more.

So, I'm trying to be considerate of that. I pay more attention to her cycle. When she's not in the mood I do other intimate things that show affection but don't pressure her for sex. We'll give each other backrubs or foot rubs. I love to brush her hair too. Sometimes I'll sneak into the shower with her and wash her hair without making any attempts for sex. That really surprised her the first time I did that. It actually builds alot of sexual tension and sexual teasing which makes our lust for each other build up to a boil. I like that aspect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 11:19am

We did discuss oral. I told her that when I do it for her I love seeing how much pleasure it brings her. It's not just a matter of me liking it or not. That's not my motivation. It is something I am doing for her.

When she does it for me I would like it to be done because she wants to bring me that pleasure and show that desire for me. She doesn't have to do it to completion if that is the issue. Just some fondling, licking & eye contact would be a great start. Anything is better than just ignoring my desires for oral. If it's done grudgingly then it kills the mood and I would rather it not be done. I don't enjoy it if I think it's something I'm making her do.

She said she understands and is trying to change that. Nothing yet though. Oral is still avoided.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 11:24am

I know I also have stretch marks, and several surgery scars. DH refers to them as my battle scars, and reassures me that he doesn't see them as unattractive in any way.

We all age, and our bodies change. Just keep reassuring her so that she can accept herself, and it will get better over time.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 7:15pm

I know what you mean about if it is done grudgingly. It is a total turn off. At least the two of you have talked about it. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but there are a lot of things she can add to oral to make her more comfortable. The first time I performed oral, I had pomegranate seeds in my mouth which I bit open to let the juice run down his shaft. I was apprehensive of the way it would taste. She could do something similar if it would make her more comfortable; have a glass of juice near by, maybe some flavored lubricant or even some body dust. I love Kama Sutras Honey Dust in Tangerines and Cream. I don't know if that may be part of her issues with it, but I thought I would make the suggestion.

I am really glad to hear to hear that things are at least beginning to look up for you. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to encourage her and that she is being responsive! It is wonderful that you are able to have the discussions you are outside of the bedroom, those are really important. These things do take time and you seem to be very patient on the matter.

Keep us updated!