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| Tue, 06-28-2005 - 3:50pm |
I don't know how to begin so I will begin with the background info first. . . my daughter, A. is a lesbian and has been in a committed relationship with her partner, C. for over 7 years. Over 1-1/2 years ago C., through artificial insemination, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. There is no father in the picture as the sperm donor was anonymous. In December 2004, A. decided to separate from C. because A. was and is having some deep emotional issues regarding her commitment. A. is torn because she loves the baby and considers him her child as well. In the meantime, I have been very supportive of C. because she is very unhappy over this separation.
C. was a foster child all her life and we "adopted" her into our family unconditionally. She knows that we will always be her "parents" and the baby's grandparents. The baby is the center of our life. We couldn't love him more if he were blood related to us.
In April, C. thought she might be pregnant. I suspected as much since she printed out pregnancy literature and bought a home pregnancy test. She swore to me that she had no serious relationship and that she did have a one time sexual encounter with a man. She was devastated and said it had been a big mistake and she would never do that again. Turns out, she wasn't pregnant. I never questioned her about it.
Recently, on my home computer, I found out that C. has been participating actively in online erotic chats. Her member profile in an adult "love" finder website states that she is looking for 1-on-1 sex, a good time and is open to new things. The site also includes pictures of genitals (male & female) and people having sex. I didn't start out intentionally looking for what websites she visits, but found the website when I searched in the browser history for a site I had previously visited (not an adult love website).
So, my dilemna is this. . . . do I confront her on it? Do I just stay quiet about it? The fact that she says she still wants to get back with my daughter, A., is not the primary issue. My main concern is the baby. My second concern is C. She obviously knows nothing about these people in the chat rooms. Doesn't she realize how very dangerous this is? What if the guy/girl is a serial killer or a psychopath? How about AIDS and other STDs? Where does she and whoever she is having sex with go to have their fun? Is the baby around? What kind of judgment is this for a 28 year old mother?
I am so torn on this. I don't want to meddle into something that may be considered none of my business. However, I love C. and the baby and I don't want anything harmful happening to either one. Please help me decide what is best. My heart is heavy with this and it's hard to sleep because of my worry.
Thank you.
mt

I'd approach it from a different angle. If she was using *your* computer to have these erotic chats, then she has no expectation of privacy. It is your computer and you can tell her you dont' want her to do that anymore. Actually, if you're worried about her meeting freaks, that can turn on *you* because the chats are tied to *your* IP address and could be tracked back to you.
That solves one issue (hopefully) and might open a dialogue to the other issues ...
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
Yes, you've got two seperate issues here:
One, the relationship between your daughter and C.
You have to stand by your daughter, guide her whereever possible but stand by her whatever her decision about the relationship. At the same time you can support C and help look after the grandchild. I think that you have to accept that there may come a time when you have less (note that I'm not saying "no") contact with the grandchild if either your daughter or C finds another partner. Such is the way that these things work. It would be extremely sad if you ended up having no contact with the grandchild, but given that your daughter is the one that chose to end the relationship it may well be that your options are limited. Keeping on good terms with C regardless of what happens would encourage continued contact. But at the end of the day, C has to decide what is best for her daughter just as you have to decide what is best for yours.
Issue Two, the internet chatrooms.
>>do I confront her on it?
Two parts to this:
1. Adult content on your computer:
Depends. She is using your computer with your permission. Despite that you have found adult content that you would prefer wasn't there. I guess that gives you the right to ask her to avoid looking at adult websites using your computer. You find it offensive and its on your computer. Then again, is it worth the conflict that it might cause?
2. Internet dating.
>>Doesn't she realize how very dangerous this is?
Maybe she does. Most internet sites provide information about how to date safely. Many adults have heard about it in the media, just as you have, and know how to date safely through the contacts and safeguards that the website provides. Internet dating CAN be dangerous, but with simple precautions it can be just as safe as using a regular dating service. Personally I think that it has been blown out of proportion. The media loves a juicy story and internet dating horror stories are flavour of the decade at the moment. Regular dating in person is not really any safer, but it's is less newsworthy.
She's 28 years old and should be given the benefit of the doubt. She is an adult.
>>How about AIDS and other STDs?
Being a lesbian I would be surprised if she has not heard about STD's and AIDS, and methods of protection. Again, it's her choice to date and she is an adult capableof making informed decisions.
>>Where does she and whoever she is having sex with go to have their fun?
What does it matter? Where does anyone go to have their fun?
>>What kind of judgment is this for a 28 year old mother?
YEs, exactly, what kind of judgement is it? She is a single mother at 28 years of age, alone, trying to recover from a broken relationship and get back into the dating scene.
She would prefer to be with your daughter but by the sounds of it your daughter is in no hurry to make a decision, or re-consider how she abandoned her partner and their new baby.
How long is C expected to wait before she begins to try and rebuild her life with a new baby?
Perhaps she is demonstrating more restraint and care in her choice of internet dating partner than you think that she is? Internet dating is not uncommon these days and there are a very wide variety of decent normal people using it. Yes, I know that the dating site had banner ads of genitals but they are aimed at a specific market and aren't generally representative of the type of person that uses the dating service. Censorship on the 'net is different from real life.
I know that you care about her and the baby but I don't think that you have much to worry about. I think that you are probably over-reacting and being over protective. C is just a young woman that is trying to rebuild the pieces of her life and happens to be using a new technology for dating. It's probably better than the other option of spending time hanging out at a smokey bar or night club or something.