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| Tue, 02-08-2005 - 7:25pm |
I gained almost 80 lbs when I got pregnant and I have been trying to fight it off since. But now my husband is watching adult videos and going to adult websites. He knows that I am self concious and I don't like him watching things like that and all he can tell me is grow up.. What do I do? We only have sex 2 times a month and even then he is watch porn..Do I let it go or what?

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No, that is NOT something to let go.
You unfortunately have a very common situation to deal with in which he is finding more satisfaction in fantasy than in real life.
You mentioned your weight, so am I guessing right that he raised that as such an issue? Remember, there are women right here on this board who are suffering lack of sex/intimacy with their S.O.s after pregnancy even without mentioning porn as an issue, the porn CERTAINLY worsens this situation regardless.
My #1 concern is that he doesn't sound like he's even trying. For him to tell you to grow up indicates that he does intend to continue placing more value on his needs through fantasy rather than your needs together, regardless of how hurt you're showing him unfortunately.
When it comes to guessing what you could do about this, I'll let the braver souls take that on. Meantime, I'm VERY big on professional counseling for situations, and this definitely counts as one of them in my book.
He has issues that need dealing with, but the main one of not having compassion for how you feel about this is IMHO too much of a sour sign that may be needed. Just my way of seeing it. Hopefully the others can help ya more.
Please feel free to use the search boxes above, maybe there are old posts or articles in that relate to your topic that have some helpful advice for you too. Very sorry you're going through this.
C H A R A C T E R
It is HE that has to grow up, not you.
Tish is correct. PLEASE keep in mind that even if he refuses to go to counseling with you, should you choose that option, then in no way does that mean you can't go by yourself anyway.
In fact...
...your very situation commonly results in depression among other things with so many couples, so PLEASE consider the option, watch for signs of depression, and keep mindful of remedies if need be. If you find you need assistance with that, let us know.
Otherwise, good luck with any further attempts at getting through to him.
C H A R A C T E R
You're unhappy so no, don't let this go. But tell him one more time how you feel and then back off.
Many men seem to feel "betrayed" when a woman changes physically during and after pregnancy. No, it's not a realistic or fair expectation to have in the first place, but it helps to explain some of their initial attitude and behavioral changes. My mom used to say that men expect women to stay exactly the same as the day they met and women want men to start changing right away! LOL! I think there's some truth to that.
I wouldn't approach your guy for sex anymore and when he approaches you again, tell him you're only interested IF the TV/porn stays off! IF he refuses, then, as the others mentioned, consider marriage counseling together to try and resolve this issue. If he won't go with you, which is likely, go for yourself. You need the support and advice from a professional.
Remember, you can't make him do anything. He has to want to make the changes so right now, it's important for you to give yourself the respect and care that you aren't getting from him. Also, reach out and look for support and compassion from family and friends. You have produced a beautiful new life and that alone should make you proud.
Take care of yourself and your baby.
Edited 2/9/2005 2:12 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
Hi,
Unfortunately, this seems to be a common problem among men and women these days. It seems in the 21st century that it has become easier and easier to relate to machines rather than real people. I think much of porn addictions these days stems from laziness...it's easier and less complicated to masturbate to an image on a computer than it is to take the time to deeply love and deal with a real person...it's sad to me because real love and real relationships are SO much more satisfying. It's the difference between eating a steak or eating the picture of a steak.
I agree with para, this is not something that you should ignore. I believe that for your husband this has become patterned behavior and a way of escape. It's no different than alcohol or drugs. Alcohol can be fine if used in moderation, but if it used to escape reality consistently it wrecks terrible havoc. Porn is the same way... a little porn now and again is no big deal, but if he is ignoring his real life lover and wife for some image, then he is missing out on a wonderful life and experience.
I would get some professional help for both of you, and if he flat out refuses, go on your own. It always helps to get a different perspective.
Good luck.
Scott.
OK, just another angle here, certainly not trying to defend him in any way.....
A lot of times, the male DOES become less interest in sex with his wife after she has had a baby, sort of a "you talk to you kid with that mouth?" kind of mentality. They even become "jealous" that the boobs he used to suckle are now used for the baby. It's the sort of thing counselors were made for. Sure, I would think a part of him is put off by the weight gain, but I'd be willing to bet it's more than that.
And of the never-ending porn debate - everyone is different. Theoretically, I could masturbate to poen every day and make love with my wife with no drop off in passion. It's possible that someone would look at that and say he's addicted to porn. While I know it IS an issue for you, especially in your current state, but again, I think it's more than that....
I think that everyone should forget about the porn for the time being - that's a symptom, not the cause - and it's the cause that we should be looking at. Putting it bluntly, you may not like the porn but he may not like your weight gain either.
I guess it's probably that simple. I don't know what your sex life was like before this but it certainly sounds like it was better before the pregnancy and weight-gain. I'm not a woman and I won't even pretend to know what being pregnant is like, but to me 80lbs is a heck of a lot of weight to gain. Getting that off isn't going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination. But what has occurred, has occurred. How you go about trying to lose that weight is another topic in itself.
You have to realise that it WILL affect your husband's desire for you - we all have certain body types that we are attracted to, and I know that I would find it very difficult to cope with my partner making an 80lb weight gain. I guess that's why he using the porn openly now - he uses it as a release since the two of you are not having sex as often.
He's being very blunt and unhelpful about the whole thing but I guess that's the man that you know and love trying to deal with a difficult situation. You know him better than we do - you can probably see that it's his way of dealing with it, as unhelpful as it is. I don't think that he needs counselling though. I don't think that you need counselling.
I think that the two of you need to sit down and have a good talk about this. If he's a half decent husband, the last thing that he is going to want to say is that he feels unattracted to you because of the weight or because of the pregnancy, so it may be very difficult to have a meaningful conversation about it. The two of you DO need to talk about it the best that you can. You need to work out a way of dealing with this and getting him on-side and supporting you. You need to tell him that cristicism doesn't help, that support does. Keep the weight if you want, loose only a little, it doesn't matter as long as you and him are realistic and happy. If need be get him to actively help you loose some weight by exercising with you and to be accepting of any diets or healthy eating that you try. For example, he has to understand that he can't complain about rabbit food instead of steak and butter, and then turn around and criticise your weight.
Nooooot necessarily, Westie. IF her DH has been using porn all along, before marriage and children, then the pregnancy may have brought his habit to the fore but that wouldn't make it a symptom at all.
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