Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Need Advice
47
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 7:25pm
I gained almost 80 lbs when I got pregnant and I have been trying to fight it off since. But now my husband is watching adult videos and going to adult websites. He knows that I am self concious and I don't like him watching things like that and all he can tell me is grow up.. What do I do? We only have sex 2 times a month and even then he is watch porn..Do I let it go or what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: dmclain13
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:30pm

>>IF her DH has been using porn all along, before marriage and children, then the pregnancy may have brought his habit to the fore<<

Indeed. Very true. But regardless, I still think that the porn is not the issue. You can't tell me that someone was happily married, having great sex, then gained 80lbs while pregnant, became a new Mum and that it's the husband's porn use that causing the sudden lack of sex. It's about pregnancy, parenthood, and weight-gain, not some porn.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dmclain13
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 1:19am

Well, porn is the issue for HER. Her weight gain seems to be the issue for him. But it's irrational to think that a woman can drop the weight in just a few months and to expect the withholding of sex as punishment to be an incentive. Maybe the real problems here are unrealistic expectations and immaturity.

And I don't believe that she said that they were having great sex before the baby, so that's not necessarily a given either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: dmclain13
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:27pm

>>porn is the issue for HER. Her weight gain seems to be the issue for him.<<

Definitely. I agree with that.
As the weight-gain/pregnancy came before the porn use (at least it appears that way) I would suggest that it's something to do with the weight-gain/pregnancy that has caused him to increase his use of porn.

>>But it's irrational to think that a woman can drop the weight in just a few months and to expect the withholding of sex as punishment to be an incentive.<<

I agree totally. It IS irrational to think that the weight can just magically disappear. In fact, it's entirely posssible that she will never loose all the weight. But I don't think that the husband is purposely withholding sex as an incentive for her to loose weight. I think that it's more likely that he simply has less desire for her because of the weight-gain and had turned to the porn as a release. If he doesn't desire her as much then he won't feel comfortable having sex with her. He's probably missing the sex just as much as she is but not dealing with it as logically or as well as he could be.

>>I don't believe that she said that they were having great sex before the baby<<
True. Speculation on my part.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dmclain13
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:54pm

I guess I just can't fathom how one can turn off completely to the person they love because of weight gain. After all, it's still the same person inside.

My DH has gone up and down in our marriage, although, not that drastically, as I have with pregnancies and we never lost our desire for one another.

Of course we all have our preferences when it comes to the physical characteristics of our mate but a couple either has the emotional bond and attraction or they don't. Otherwise, it's conditional love.

I certainly feel for the couple who place such emphasis on appearance, because as they age, the odds are stacked against them!

And I don't see his porn use as a symptom of a bigger issue, I think the porn use is actually exacerbating his unhappiness with her weight because he's comparing her to what he's being aroused by and that's only making her more insecure and sad. They're now caught in a vicious cycle. He may miss the sex, but he's doing nothing to remedy the situation by continuing as he is. JMHO.




Edited 2/11/2005 4:57 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: dmclain13
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 4:59pm
I agree Kat. Well said!
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: dmclain13
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 5:05pm
Do you think the porn is helping her? She already feels like crap. It's bad enough that he doesn't want to have sex and tells her he's unhappy with her appearance, but to push porn(she stated that she doesn't like it) in her face when she's down already seems pretty selfish if you ask me. Maybe she should hit the bottle now....and drown in her sorrows(and ignore him and the child)--she sure seems justified.


Edited 2/11/2005 6:08 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: dmclain13
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 10:43pm

I guess that this is another one of those things that women don't, and never will, understand about men. Frankly I can't see how a person WOULDN'T be affected by a partner's substantial weight gain. I'm not saying that all men are like this, but I can positively say that most men I know (and that's a broad cross section of society) would find that they are not nearly as physically attracted to their partner if she gained 80lbs. Yes, there would still the emotional love. But that would take a hit from the discrepancy between the physical size she was when he met her, to the physical size that she is now.

I'm not trying to be cruel or perpetuate the "thin is attractive" thing. I'm not trying to be insensitive about it. I'm just stating what I perceive as a basic fact. Men want their women to remain roughly the same shape and size they were when they met them. That's why men get so uncomfortable about women gaining weight.

I don't understand how you, as a woman, could still be just as physically attracted to your husband if he gained 80 or 100lbs as you were when you met him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: dmclain13
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 11:13pm
He's a big guy and had a beautiful body when we met. He's gained weight over the years(75 lbs) and only the past two years has he lost 40 of it. I still was sexually attracted to him.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dmclain13
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 12:07am

Geeze, this just gives me ANOTHER reason to be grateful for my guy. He's never been hung up on weight like that.

I guess if you've been together a long time and your relationship is no longer based on physical attraction, then you can see beyond that.




Edited 2/12/2005 12:42 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dmclain13
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 12:13am
Maybe she should do something less self destructive and get some porn featuring hunky guys and treat herself.