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| Tue, 02-08-2005 - 7:25pm |
I gained almost 80 lbs when I got pregnant and I have been trying to fight it off since. But now my husband is watching adult videos and going to adult websites. He knows that I am self concious and I don't like him watching things like that and all he can tell me is grow up.. What do I do? We only have sex 2 times a month and even then he is watch porn..Do I let it go or what?

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Kat and Westridge,
I haven't been following this thread lately, but it is turned into something rather interesting.
I have noticed (and this is purely my own perception) that men that are the most hung up and dissappointed when their women gain weight, are usually men that are not comfortable with their own weight. It seems that so often it's the men that really let themselves go that most often complain about their wives putting on a few pounds.
I have always maintained a very healthy low bodyfat and I can honestly say that even when my wife got REALLY big during her last pregnancy (she put on 60 lbs...which is a lot for her as she is normally only about 120), I was still really attracted to her. However, my buddy (about 100 pounds overweight and a VERY heavy drinker) split with his fiance' because she put on a few pounds and drank more than he liked.
Anyway, interesting thread.
Peace.
Scott.
Perceptive remarks, Scott. Perhaps we're really talking about control issues here or cases of male self esteem being tied to his partner's appearance in an unhealthy way. I know my brother-in-law continually lambasts my sister-in-law about her weight, all the while failing to do anything about the extra 50-60lbs. he carries himself!
Edited 2/12/2005 12:52 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
That's an interesting thought, Scott. I can see how that would be true. A man that watches or is insecure about his weight would probably be concerned about his partner's weight too. My Uncle is a bit of a health-freak and I'm sure that he would be very upset if his wife gained 80lbs. In fact, I know that it wouldn't take even 30lbs for him to get concerned.
Kat, by the way, I thought that I'd just clarify something in case you'd gotten the wrong idea. I'm not saying that every male would leave his partner or break-up with her over a substantial weight gain. I'm just saying that he'd be less physically attracted to her.
You mentioned something about a long-term relationship too. I guess that would have a bearing on things. I suspect that this is all relative to the age of the couple too. I imagine that an older couple would be more accepting of substantial weight-gain than a younger couple. It does certainly seem that older, more mature couples in more mature relationships are more accepting of many of the changes that occur as we get older.
"Kat, by the way, I thought that I'd just clarify something in case you'd gotten the wrong idea. I'm not saying that every male would leave his partner or break-up with her over a substantial weight gain. I'm just saying that he'd be less physically attracted to her."
He might as well leave then.
>>He might as well leave then.<<
Yep. They frequently do.
Edited to add: Why do you think that there are so many problems and arguments over a woman's weight in a lot of relationships? These guys aren't arguing for the fun of it. It's something that they genuinely feel is a problem and an issue.
Edited 2/12/2005 6:56 pm ET ET by westridge2001
>>I think that subconsciously they're hurt beyond words that the love of their husband's is based mostly on their physical appearance.<<
I'm sure that they are. I know that I would be. I don't know what to suggest as a solution to that.
I'm sure that many men find it painful to find that their level of attraction has decreased because of a physical change (and don't forget that I am talking substantial change, not just a few pounds). I think that it's something that many must battle with - trying to reconcile their deep feelings of love for their partner against their reduced level of sexual desire. No easy answers for anyone.
Tish,
I don't think that the focus has changed. I think that for many men the physical appearance has _always_ been a part of their attraction to their partner and that a major change will bring this issue to attention. Question for you (and Yes, I know it's stretching the envelope) - would a woman still find her husband physically attractive if he gained 200 pounds? What if he gained more? I just found it difficult to grasp the concept that a woman's physical attraction for her partner would remain the same even if he gained a substantial amount of weight.
Something else - while I'm thinking about this: Why is it that we become more accepting of changes to a person's appearance as we grow older? Is it because we are more accepting of natural changes that can or do occur to us as well as our partner? Do we see a major weight gain/physical change during our younger years as a flaw rather than an acceptable part of aging/growing older? Is it an instinctual thing? Is it biology, or simply maturity and acceptance of the things that life throws at us?
>>Question for you (and Yes, I know it's stretching the envelope) - would a woman still find her husband physically attractive if he gained 200 pounds? What if he gained more?<<
Can I interject here? Generally speaking, men's threshold for tolerance about weight is lower than women. If you polled women and asked if they were less attracted to their husbands if they gained 50 lbs, the number would be lower than if you asked men the same question about their wives. Your 200 lb remark made me want to say that, because I think you realize this too. I don't think there are many people(men or women) who would be OK with an extra 200 lbs though.
Leticia
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