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| Tue, 02-08-2005 - 7:25pm |
I gained almost 80 lbs when I got pregnant and I have been trying to fight it off since. But now my husband is watching adult videos and going to adult websites. He knows that I am self concious and I don't like him watching things like that and all he can tell me is grow up.. What do I do? We only have sex 2 times a month and even then he is watch porn..Do I let it go or what?

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If Dh gained an extra
That's true Kat. Daytime talk shows are full of this situation.
Scott.
We are in general a culture that has been bombarded with images of the "ideal" female or ideal "male". In some ways, men are more effected by this because biologically men are more predisposed to sexual stimulation via visual images; there are all sorts of studies that show that this is true and from an evolutionary standpoint there are reasons for men to be attracted visually and reasons that women are more attracted to men for other reasons. Women realize that men are more visually stimulated and so they react by attempting to make themselves into something that they are not.
Having said that however, it's important to remember that the "perfect" female form is vastly different from culture to culture. During the Renaissance the art of the time depicts a heavier, more voluptuous woman as the "ideal" female form. Cultures in Africa think a long neck is what is most attractive in a woman and in Japan in the 17th century, small feet were considered the sexual ideal. In the 18th century Very pale skin was the most attractive in Europe and American and later in the twentieth century, tanned skin was the best look.
So, the view of what is beautiful is culturally conditioned, in my opinion. The way to change things (albeit slowly) is to shift the way advertising works...there are millions of larger women that are gorgeous and if we were to see more of them in ads, television shows and news anchors, the standard for beauty would begin to change.
If you ever watch commercials in Europe, you really notice that the women and men depicted are much more average...there is a larger range of people that are in the media. It would be good for America to shift toward that model of beauty.
There are women and young girls literally starving to death in America trying to reach some ideal of female beauty that is absolutely ridiculous.
In the short term, both men and women can find their attraction for their mate again by focusing on what is beautiful to them instead of continually focusing on things the media have conditioned you to think is "wrong" with the person you love. Everyone has some feature or something about them that is really attractive and that's where we need to focus.
A happy person finds beauty in the dishwater and a sad person can only see what's missing from a rainbow.
Good luck all.
Scott.
"I'm just saying that he'd be less physically attracted to her."
That just hasn't been the case with my DH, Westie. In fact, I lost a lot of weight, down to 105 at 5'7, after my 1st child was born and he wanted me to put weight on.
But regardless of how much I weigh, he has never avoided or stopped having sex with me, purely because of my weight, in 29 yrs. But I think the fact that my DH has never used porn as a substitute at those times when I may have been heavier, is a huge factor, as well. I never felt judged or compared to someone else, or even to myself, at a younger age.
This is why I feel that porn is less of a symptom in these cases and more of a contributing factor in the process of dissatisfaction for men.
I think SOME men, for some reason, are just incapable or unwilling to see beyond the physical, or they have simply trained themselves over time, and that's a shame for them, as well as their partners.
I think more time spent looking into the eyes of one's partner and less inspecting their body parts would be a good start in overcoming this tendency.
Edited 2/14/2005 10:42 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
And that's why I said that it's a particularly unhealthy and destructive pattern for men, and relationships, to use porn as a substitute for partner sex when issues of weight or health, etc. become a factor. Doing so only exacerbates the resentment and sense of dissatisfaction with their partner's imperfect body by repeatedly viewing and becoming aroused by enhanced or distorted images of female bodies. And of course, their partner's self esteem and body image suffer as a consequence.
Perhaps that's why my DH has never had to deal with less attraction to me because he never turned to porn as a substitute. He was never comparing me to an "ideal." Nor I, him.
But this isn't just a problem for women in our culture, it's fast becoming a self esteem issue with men as well. I just read an article that claimed that men become depressed after viewing young males with perfect abs and glutes over and over again in the media. Particularly, if they feel less attractive to their partners.
I believe that the OP's DH would be affected the same way with the same circumstances.
Edited 2/14/2005 10:36 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
That reminds me of a book that I read called: "How to Be Totally Unhappy in a Peaceful World: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Being Unhappy"
It's comedy, but the book is designed to show how most of us are so good at being unhappy. Here are some of the rules:
1) Focus on what's wrong in your life
2) Take everything in life seriously
3) Always compare yourself to another - (this one has an exercise attached to it where you list all of the accomplishements in your life and then compare them to Mozart's accomplishments up to age twelve.)
THe point here, is that so often we focus on what we don't have rather than what we have. Most of us would find that we are rich beyond imagining in love, peace, talent and even money if we were to shift our perspective.
I agree with you, I think porn and the easy access of the images has really done a lot of damage to human relationships. Before I started visiting this website I did not believe that was true as porn to me was an occasional fun thing to look at as a couple and as an individual. However, after seeing the HUGE amounts of posts on this website about men who had become totally obsessed with it, I have switched gears and believe it to be damaging and a REAL problem.
Peace.
Scott.
"...would a woman still find her husband physically attractive if he gained 200 pounds?"
Yes. I believe I would. I find HIM sexy. He's sexy to me because of how he carries himself, his mannerisms, how he treats me, how much he makes me feel beautiful and sexy(even when I was heavier), and not simply because of his body. BTW, he's losing his hair too, and I am still attracted to him, even though he had the thickest hair I'd ever seen on a man when I met him.
The truth is, there will never be another HIM. I'll take HIM however he comes packaged...warts and all.
Edited 2/14/2005 11:19 am ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
I think the key element of this equation is timing and men turning to porn when they're UNHAPPY with their partner for some reason. And rather than turning to the partner, in attempt to solve the problem, they turn away, making the problem much worse.
But in contrast, we've also had plenty of posts relating the use of porn to enhance happy relationships, seemingly without harm.
I think, like anything else introduced into a relationship, it should be viewed with a sense of responsibility to one's partner.
Well said Kat. All things are fine in moderation, it's when we become attached to them that they are a problem.
Peace.
Scott.
"But I think the fact that my DH has never used porn as a substitute at those times when I may have been heavier, is a huge factor, as well. I never felt judged or compared to someone else, or even to myself, at a younger age"
Ditto.
"I think more time spent looking into the eyes of one's partner and less inspecting their body parts would be a good start in overcoming this tendency."
Ditto
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