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| Tue, 02-08-2005 - 7:25pm |
I gained almost 80 lbs when I got pregnant and I have been trying to fight it off since. But now my husband is watching adult videos and going to adult websites. He knows that I am self concious and I don't like him watching things like that and all he can tell me is grow up.. What do I do? We only have sex 2 times a month and even then he is watch porn..Do I let it go or what?

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Who is society? Isn't pornography one of the largest industries in our country? It only makes sense that an industry so vast would have influential power. Take the latest public shaving craze. Porn most likely perpetuated it.
http://www.familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html
Edited 2/15/2005 12:08 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
"Porn to blame?" I think it all depends....on the man in question, his relationship to women in general and his intimate relationship, specifically. And when he began using porn. I certainly don't think porn is damaging to all relationships but like anything else, it CAN be if it's used as a bandaid for sexual problems between couples.
IF the point of sexual intimacy within a relationship is to expand and deepen the bond between the two, as well as provide mutual and personal pleasure, then turning away from one's partner to meet those needs is not conducive to reaching that goal.
And I think ONLY representing the physical and sexual ideals of either sex in the media has made it very difficult to build healthy self esteem in our culture. It takes a lot of maturity and work to achieve that now. And we already know that low self esteem IS the cause of a lot of problems both within relationships and personally.
>>Who is society?<<
Well, that would be me, you, your neighbours and everyone-else. The people that purchase goods and services and watch the TV that buy and watch and show interest in those goods and services that use sex and the "perfect" fe/male body to promote their product/show.
>>Isn't pornography one of the largest industries in our country?<<
I imagine that it is. I'll read your link in a minute :-)
>> It only makes sense that an industry so vast would have influential power. <<
Yessss..... but surely Coca-cola has more power and uses perfect bodies in bikinis to sell. I've yet to see an ugly woman in a Ford Ad. I've never seen a spotty nerd in a potato crisp ad. I've just walked past the TV and that was a very pretty blonde girl that was increasing her skills by attending that training course. And Catherine Zeta Jones seems to have lost a LOT of weight after her pregnancy by the look of that perfume ad....
What I meant was that I think that the general media pushes the ideal body image more than the porn industry does. Porn while being a large industry, just doesn't compare to the total size of all the other mainstream industries that promote images to us every second of every day. I would think that porn takes it's cue from what we see around us. I don't think that porn (in this particular case) sets the trend.
kat,
Hmmmm. Well said. I'd agree with that.
I guess I'll end where I came in. Bearing in mind that I don't know the past history of porn use in the OP's relationship, I still think that the upsetting use of the porn by her man is more likely to be a symptom rather than the cause. Having read kat's thoughts, I guess the more that the porn used as a substitute, it actually helps less and less. I wonder if it's likely to build itself into a Catch 22 situation? He turned more to porn because he felt less attraction, but now he feels even less attracted because of the images in the porn.
Hi Rain,
This is the famous chicken or egg debate. Does the porn industry create the market or does it react to the market? The porn industry in my opinion reacts to the market place rather than creates the market. Society (people as a collective) has been conditioned by years of merchandising, movies and television shows to see the ideal female form as very thin. The porn industry knows that it can sell more films and magazines by putting models into them that are attractive to the largest audience. The reason that I believe that the porn industry is reactive, is that they more than just about any other market, have products for literally every taste...big women, small guys; group sex; hairy women; shaved women; shaved men; gay sex; straight sex; s and m; etc. etc. There is probably not a fetish that you can have that isn't somehow marketed to the public...literally anything and everything is out there. The porn industry reacts to what people want. When a certain look becomes more fashionable (and it will because it always does) than the porn industry will be the first to react to it...that's why there is so much money in it.
Having said that though, I would absolutely agree that if a man or woman is having image problems with their partner, porn will do nothing but increase the problem. I still think that pornography addiction tends to lend itself most to those that have a real lazy streak when it comes to relationship. Masturbating to porn is substantially easier than having to deal with another persons needs and personality. If you are using porn for sexual release and excluding your partner, you are really missing out. Nothing wrong with masturbating to some porn or erotica now and again, but it's sad to me to hear about those addicted because they are using porn to escape from one of the truly beautiful and profound things in life: the deep relationship, physical and spiritual, between a man and woman.
Peace.
Scott.
I'd guess that would depend. We constantly hear how people view porn for "ideas." So in that case the viewer is reacting to the porn and all of it's male ideals. I remember when I was young, the first time I ever saw fake boobs was in porn; before boob jobs were the "in" thing. I remember thinking that it was the male ideal.
In any event, it doesn't really matter which came first. In this particular case(the op's), her husband's ideal(or fetish) is not for overweight women...his ideal is something she's not.
Edited 2/16/2005 2:02 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
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