Need advice (esp. from the guys!)
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| Fri, 03-31-2006 - 8:40am |
Hi everybody.
I need some help. My SO has always been very passive in bed (he undresses, lies down, and waits for me to run the whole show) but lately, he's gone beyond passive and has become just plain lazy. There is no foreplay at all... there has never been any oral at all (from him... he gets plenty from me), and if he finishes too fast for me to come, he won't do anything at all to try to satisfy me afterward. He says he's just not in the right head space anymore after HIS orgasm.
I know this makes him sound like a jerk, but he is actually not a jerk, he is just extremely passive/submissive. Luckily for me I am sometimes able to orgasm from IC alone (no clitoral contact), but not consistently. And I know that sometimes people are tired and it's ok to have a "just for him" quickie. But this goes beyond that. If I encourage him to "warm me up a little" before sex, he just does it in a joking, half-hearted way... a couple of little circles with his hand and then "are we warmed up enough yet?"
I get the feeling that he thinks that if I can't orgasm from the things that make him orgasm (IC with no foreplay beforehand), then I've just missed the boat, and it's not his problem. Also, he's very sensitive about criticism, so it's hard for me to say anything that even remotely smacks of "you're not perfect in bed". We can't talk about oral on me at all, for instance. He feels guilty that he doesn't like to give oral so he avoids the subject.
Help? Just don't tell me to get rid of him... I love him. I need a repair, not a trade-in. :) And I don't want to lie beside him and masturbate after sex, either, that just makes me feel worse about his non-participation. I need advice on how to talk to him without hurting his ego.
thanks!
Jeannie

I don't understand the way you think. It's ok that he's lazy and selfish, and you're getting little or nothing out of sex with him....but you're worried about HIS ego? What about yours? Even if you ASK him to give you foreplay, he thinks it's a joke? This boy needs some education! Try turning the tables on him....YOU lie down and wait for him to start the action.
Why should he change? You accept his laziness and selfishness (NOT passive/aggresiveness)and he gets HIS.....He's shown you that he's not going to change, and it's not going to get any better, only worse.
To use your analogy....sometimes it's better to trade a car in than it is to put time and money into it continually, and you've still got a "beater".
I'm not saying you should get rid of him....but I AM saying that you need to have a talk with him........a LONG talk.......and tell him how YOU feel. Stop worrying about how he feels....he doesn't seem to care about how YOU feel! If he doesn't make some effort to change, it might be time to start thinking about a newer model.
Communicate, communicate and communicate. It's been my experience that being open and honest and talking about sex regularly leads to a very satisfying sex life. Don't worry about his ego, if you want satisfaction you will have to let your needs be known.
I agree with the others.
I would suggest couples counseling to figure out what's going on with him. IF you've told him how you feel and he doesn't seem to care, then there's a reason he doesn't.
Maybe he's depressed. Maybe he doesn't know how to do oral or he's insecure about his ability. Maybe he's angry about some unresolved conflict or argument. Maybe he thinks that as a man, he's entitled to sexual pleasure but it's not a given for you.
There could be all kinds of reasons why he isn't interested in providing you with pleasure and yes, selfishness/self centeredness could be one of them.
The only way to find out is to have an honest talk and let him know that you aren't willing to settle for what you've been getting.
Unless he knows that you are serious about things improving, he won't be motivated to make changes or look for solutions to his problem. "Oh, woe is me, I hate giving oral" is NOT a good reason not to please your partner though. And no, feeling guilty about it doesn't make it okay either.
It takes TWO to have great sex and unless your guy is willing to do his part, then it won't get any better on it's own.
One thing's for sure, this type of passivity, unconcern, or whatever you want to call it, WILL have it's effect on your relationship and it will be difficult to continue to make excuses for it forever. Deal with it now or deal with more serious problems later.
Edited 3/31/2006 6:20 pm ET by katmandoo2001