Need advice for male friend
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| Tue, 06-21-2005 - 4:28pm |
I feel very sad for this friend--first off lets say his name is Jon and his wifes name is ann
well, they have been married for over 20 years..and he and we are all very close- my husband included. well, Jon was talking to me today and is very stressed that he hasnt had sex with Ann in over 5 years, it turns out that she has a pain down there and will not go to the dr to fix it, and shows no affection or anything to him. (jon and Ann are like family to us ) now, Jon is getting very frustrated and whenevr he tries to talk to her about getting to the dr so they can become intimate again, she pushes him away and says he is a pig that he wants sex. he explains that he feels unwanted and gross to her since she wont even kiss him. they have a stressful life, he owns a business (she doesnt work tho) and she is very needy and controlling (calls him every 30 minutes, needs to know his every move it doesnt help that she does not drive and he has to be her chouffer (if im not) etc. it is ridiculous, she does the same to me, but I deal with it better since I dont LIVE with her.) he was next to tears explaining to me how he has gone to their therapist and she refuses to talk about it, even to the therapist! the therapist has tried.
the problem is, my friend jon is close to suicidal, he is so stressed and wants a WIFE he says. I do not know what to say to him , he loves her, they are best friends, and he would never leave her, but he said he is going to snap, he said she treats him so badly and he cant take it anymore-- so it is getting bad, he told me he wants to die , on the outside he appears fine but on the inside he is already dead. those were his words!!!
I feel horribly, since he is so hurt and he said its more of an intimicy thing instead of the sex thing. he has had many women make advances to him and he is so afraid that he will fail and hurt Ann. and when he said this his face dropped, he said he couldnt imagine hurting her like that but he wants to be "loved" in more ways than sex.
anyone have any advice for me to relay to my friend :( I am so sad for him
help if you can

My heart goes out to your friend...he's in a terrible predicament for sure. I would suggest that you advise him to continue going to therapy because it will benefit him whether she goes or not. And he NEEDS the sympathetic ear, support and objective advice.
There is nothing he can do in this situation but give her an ultimatum...either go with him to therapy, prepared to be open and honest, and find answers to their problems or divorce. Unfortunately, it may take that before she takes him seriously.
Bottom line, he can't fix her or the marriage by himself. He can only be strong enough to admit that he's done all he can do and make the best decisions for himself. IF he wants to live in a loveless marriage and sacrifice another 20 yrs. doing that, then that's his choice, too. However, extreme emotional stress and continuous anxiety ARE affecting his health and he probably doesn't have another 20 years.
I agree with Kat.
He manages to run a business and he's this irrational about his marriage, his sex life, and his wife? Don't get me wrong, I feel sorry for him and can understand that he's very upset about this, but suicidal? The guy obviously has some serious psychological issues underneath all this. There's more driving this than a lack of sex and a needy wife.
Encourage him to see a therapist. I think that he's probably past, and incapable of, listening to anything you suggest.
This isn't so unusual, West.
Men compartmentalize their lives so that work and love are separate. So, work might actually be a respite and the only thing keeping him sane right now!
>>This isn't so unusual, West.<<
Hmmmm. With more thought about it, I guess that you are right. I am having problems understanding why someone would be considering suicide in this situation though. There are situations where there seems to be no way out, AND THEN there are situations where there seems to be no way out. This doesn't seem to be a situation with no way out.
Mind you, I have had a close friend commit suicide, and another come close. I'm afraid that I have little tolerance for those that consider suicide to be an option. I might take this moment to bow out of this conversation before I say something rash :-)
His wife is an emotionally sick woman, and she doesn't want to help herself. He's an emotionally sick man, who ALSO doesn't want to help himself.
He's in a miserable marriage, and he seems to have done all he can do to make it tolerable, but he needs to understand that every human has their limits, and he's about reached his. Suicide is the cowards way out. It's not a solution.
He needs to find a therapist for himself, one who will help him see that he's NOT condemned to live in hell for the rest of his life. He needs to understand that he deserves better. Other women make moves on him, and he's afraid he'll succomb to the temptation and HURT his wife? I doubt if she would even care......she'd probably be happy if the "pig" bothered some other woman instead of her!
He needs to see that he doesn't have a marriage, and that the best thing for him is to end it, and try to make a real life for himself. Being sad and being suicidal isn't the way out.......a divorce is. He's still a young man, and he has time to make a happy life for himself. He needs to do that.
I'm not condoning suicide here. I'm just pointing out that this guy's been with his wife for 20 yrs. so he's fully committed and in love, regardless of the lack of sex. It would be like losing an arm to leave her. And he is in therapy, so he's doing what he can to maintain.
But he's undoubtedly hurting and emotional hurt is the worst kind and hardest to live with.
I thank you all for your advice and suggesstions, last night he went home and they talked and I am hoping that this time itll fix things, Thank you all, I have relayed your msgs to him!!!
thnx!