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| Sat, 04-16-2005 - 8:51pm |
Situation: Intimate time between husband and myself. Husband is satisfied, I'm not. Husband apologizes and is done and makes no effort to change the situation.
In the early years of our marriage (married 8 years now) this disappointed me but not to the point that I would be angry about it. He asked me once if when that happened, did it make me mad. My response was something to the effect of if we have another "moment" in the near future and I'm satisfied, no, it doesn't make me angry, but if the next "moment" was a month later, yeah, it made me angry. He said ok. Well, now, the moments SEEM few and far between (I'm just going on my own perception here. To him, it may not seem this way) and the satisfaction is less and less. Also, when we do get together, I've noticed that I'm doing all the work. I get us going and I get both of us to the end. To solve this dilemma, I have tried various things, including not being the one mentioning sex, but I have learned that by doing this, I end up waiting a looong time and by then I'm so desperate, I bring it up anyway and it pretty much ends up with me doing the work again and being resentful afterwards. One of the most frustrating things about this is at times he'll acknowledge the fact that I'm doing all the work and yet nothing changes.
I would like some advice from men about how they would want this subject addressed by their partner. I know this seems like a pretty silly issue considering the fact that I'm married to him and we should be able to talk about these things, but how can I say something to him about how I feel without totally crushing him?

Unless your husband has a huge insecurity problem, he'll live thru it. You've been putting up with his selfishness or laziness for 8 years, and you've been unhappy most of the time. But you're worried about asking for his cooperation? Do your feelings NOT count in this marriage?
There are ways of saying things that can crush him.....like....."you're a total loser in bed"....and there are ways of saying the same thing that he will survive hearing. Like...I've been thinking about it, and you know I've been left hanging for all these years, and maybe THIS would help me.
"This" being more foreplay, both manual and oral. Most women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone, it takes clitoral stimulation before and during intercourse. If he'd take the time before he goes for the intercourse, you'd probably be satisfied before he started...and if not, then you or he continue the clitoral stimulation during intercourse. Most guys, once they're done, they're done....so you have to make sure you're done before he is. That's common, and normal.....in fact, most good lovers make sure it's "ladies first". Just because you've been married for 8 years, that doesn't mean he has a clue about how women's bodies work. He needs to be told what you need, and how you need it.
If he doesn't cooperate then, you've got a lazy and selfish husband....and that's a whole different problem. Tell him to check out www.the-clitoris.com and maybe he'll understand your needs better.
Hi Icatherine:
IMHO, OUTSIDE the bedroom (over a cup of coffee), you might say "ah DH, I am NOT satisfied during OUR lovemaking.
What, exactly, are these "moments"? Do you mean love-making sessions?
So what's happening is that you aren't making love very often and when you do, you do all the work, and he orgasms too fast?
Talk to him. Being coy and talking about "moments" is likely to be confusing so use the proper terms for what you're talking about. Grab the bull by the horns (so to speak) and simply ask him if he's satisfied with your sex life at the moment. This is likely to lead to him asking you why you've asked. Tell him, but don't slam him down about it. You're trying to initiate a conversation here about it, not finish it once and for all. Be open and honest about your needs, and sensitive about his lack of performance.
You've been married 8 years. By now a frank and open conversation about your sex life should be something that he can handle.
Jim
The fact that he is questioning you about your lack of orgasms means that he ALREADY knows that he's not pleasing you in bed, and he knows that you are hurt and resentful about it.
But it sounds like he is stumped as to how to remedy the problem so he does nothing and waits until you initiate sex out of desperation. And it just makes sense that he would avoid doing something that likely makes him feel guilty and like a failure.
Why not bring a vibrator to bed to take some of the pressure off him OR ask him to spend more time providing you with at least one orgasm, orally or manually, BEFORE intercourse, so that he won't feel pressured to last as long?
With time, hopefully, taking that pressure off will allow him to begin lasting longer. And he'll feel better knowing that he has helped to satisfy you in bed.
Edited 4/18/2005 4:48 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
I'm a man.
All I can say is: Wow.
I love it when my wife has an orgasm. Bringer her pleasure is my purpose when we have sex. When she has an orgasm it make me so hot and bothered that I go at it like a wild man. Nothing improves my orgasm more than her orgasms.
I think he has deeper issues brewing here. You both need counceling badly. If I were you I would consider leaving this guy. You have my deepest sympathy.