Need avdice. what do you think?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 08-15-2007 - 6:02pm |
Having some serious problems.
I'm posting this here because many of you give great advice.
Plus this is my favorite board! lol
Ok so here it goes. Dh has become not just a little obsessed he's become
so obsessed i just want to run! He gets mad at me quite often if i spend
to much time with friends or family! He says he can't stand for me to leave
the room. He is extremely jealous of every body around me. It use to not
be so bad but now it's gotten to be to much he's obsessed with checking every
thing i do online. It upsets him if i think a guy is hot! Now come on i'm not
blind or dead and nether is he! There are many beautiful people out there!
So what if i look! it's not like i say oh he's hot! He's also very insecure
i'm sure you could assume that. He's always asking me do you love me? how much?
are you sure i'm the one you wanna be with? All this crap! It's driving me nuts!
I've told him he's smothering me and he's scaring me. I've been stocked and obsessed
over 2 times! I don't need nor want this from him. Obsession is not love it's exactly what
it is obsession! Never a good thing in my opinion. Right? I don't want to be obsessed
over him it would drive me crazy it's like not functioning. I just feel like I'm under
the radar all the time now. It's not fair i don't do this to him.. I just want to be loved
not obsessed over. I feel like i have to watch every thing i do! I have talked to him about it. That didn't work so I screamed at him! That didn't work so now I'm leaving!
I told him I'm not asking i gotta go! We need to take a break before it's over for good.
Now i got him listening alittle. What would you do? What do you think? I'm am so happy to be leaving is that a bad thing? Am i wrong to feel this way? I'm trying really really hard to make this work. I'm at the end of my rope and i could use some advice!
Thanks so much.
Kareese

Pages
Hi Kareese,
I know you probably don't want to think about this, but is there a chance that your hormones are playing into this at all? I ask because I remember how overwhelmed I felt after having my second child.
Like you, I had a c-section. I felt zapped of energy, unable to meet the needs of my older child, and totally unable to find any space for myself. I felt suffocated in my own world, and didn't see a way to break free of that feeling. In a large part, it was postpartum depression, but it went on for a lot longer than it should have. Nearly a year later, I was ready to leave my husband. It didn't have anything to do with him. I didn't feel the same things that you are feeling in that I didn't feel he was obsessed with me, but I knew I wasn't meeting his needs either, and I didn't see a change in sight.
I ended up staying, and it took me years to tell him that I ever thought about leaving. In hindsight, I was able to see a clearer picture.
I am thinking you haven't gotten the all clear from your doctor yet after having your son. Perhaps you should sit tight and try to talk with the doctor about what's going on at home and how you feel about it. He/She might be able to reflect some new light on things for you.
Whatever you decide, keep us posted. Of course, you already know you can post, ask questions and start new conversations! Here are some other links that you might find helpful as well:
Postpartum Depression
http://emotional.health.ivillage.com/depressionbipolar/postpartumdepression.cfm
Postpartum Depression Message Board
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppppd?ice=ivl,searchmb
Again, please keep us posted, and keep talking. Sometimes, talking things through can help more than anything else.
follow me to
my partner in the siggy exchange
While a lot of what you're going through IS hormonal, I also want you to consider that the obsession/control aspect is a red flag to me for abusive behavior.
Yes it's all ways been like this! No counseling want happen with out causing another
argument. You see we've been having problems for over a yr.. dealing with servel
issues. We've been together for almost 7yrs now. All i have to do is smile to
big at a friend or family member and he thinks I'm having more fun with them
then him. I don't feel like this is hormonal i feel like it was waiting to happen.
You see he left about 6mon ago because we were fighting about this and other things
he just up and left with out saying anything. I was 4mon pregnant at the time.
This has never left my mind and things have not been the same sense for me.
Then the other day i was taking a nap and out of the blue he comes in and says
F it ! Maybe we shouldn't be together! That put me over edge. Cause all I've tried
to do is make him happy i feel like he will never be truly happy with me or any body.
He said he was sorry for saying that to me and he didn't mean it. He still said it!
It hasn't washed off yet. This is why we are taking a break. I'm hoping it will help.
On the other hand it could make things worse. He would never hurt me physically not worried about that. He's a great daddy and i know he loves me but he's not listening
to me! I've tried every thing including this post i knew he'd read it. He watches everything i do! I'm so so tired of that. He tells me he'll stop but when? Hasn't happened
yet. I know I'm thinking clearly this is not hormones talking this is yrs of frustration
talking.
Kareese
Sorry to hear all of this. Honestly, a break isn't going to work.....nothing will work until HE gets his issues straightened out. He obviously isn't happy with himself and until that happens he isn't able to be happy with anyone else either. He needs therapy and until he's ready to admit that he does, and is willing to help himself it'll keep going round and round.
I wish you the best!
Anothor thing he is the one who told me how jealous and obbsessd he is.
He knows it's a problem. He feels bad about it but he also said he can't
stop. Counseling is something i don't want to bring up becase he gets mad
over me saying he needs to see a regular dr. for his other problems.
he says he hates them and they don't really care. So what do we do?
i've stopped talking to friends and family as much i've spent as much extra
time with him as i can to show that i care and i love him. He is happy about
that but just wish he'd let me feel free to talk to whom i want when i want
for as long as i want. He's the only one i've ever been with. We've been together
sense high school . He knows i'd do anything for him. Why can't he just relax.
I don't know what else to do.
I agree you need to get away. You need to do what's right for you and the baby. He needs to first admit to himself that he has a problem and needs/wants help. No one can tell him. And I think, until he does that, you should not be with him. You say he wouldn't physically hurt you, it could only be a matter of time before he does. But he is hurting you mentally and emotionally.
I watched my sister go through that with her ex. He has since remarried. To this day I hate him, and she still talks to him every now and then.
{{HUGS}}
How many doctors has he gone to? He needs to find one that will listen to his problems. At the same time, he needs to be open and honest with them.
There is nothing you can do until he admits he has a problem.
I know i need this and i plan to have a freaking blast at the coast!
i think i'm alittle to happy and excited about it.
Kareese
Wow Kareese I am so sorry to hear you are having problems like this with a small child and a new baby to take care of. But until he agrees to get help for his problem he probably won't change his behavior. I agree with you that time away may help. Jealousy is a difficult emotion to deal with even when they (the jealous one) agrees to life counseling. Jealousy is usually caused by feeling insecure in a relationship where the one partner hasn't done anything to really make the other one jealous. Its a controlling and abusive behavior that can kill even the best relationship (best in other ways). The fact that he is jealous even over your family and female friends gives me a great deal of concern. He definitely needs help dealing with it or he will drive you away. And even though you may believe he would never hurt you the anger, insecurity and frustration that will build up over his 'wrong' thinking can cause even the gentlist person to change drastically.
I found a great source of information about dealing with jealousy a while back. Its actually based of jealousy in poly relationships but the principles are excellent. I'll email it to you if you want.
hugs to you ... hope things get better
Pages