Need Help- I couldn't control myself?
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Need Help- I couldn't control myself?
| Wed, 07-16-2008 - 10:30pm |
Um... I was in here before and talked about having an affair with my boss and we've been okay for a long time- we haven't had sex in like four months or longer- we've been doing very well.

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You're not bad, I think you're just confused. There must be some other place you could go and work. If you really want to get away from him. You say you don't want to destroy his family, but you are. They just don't know it, yet. There is never going to be anything but sex between you two. How about trying to meet a single man that you could have a meaningful relationship with. If that's what you want.
There is something wrong with this on so many different levels. (Since this wasnt posted on the Taboo board I think we can explore this in more detail.)
Do you think you're feeling badly because he's married, or because he's your boss, or because it's just a casual thing? Loosing self-control can be pretty scary, but to figure out why, you really need to look within. Great sex is something that can be found without involving a married person, so while it may be one of the things on your list (of why you're loosing control), it's one you can cross off pretty quickly.
As raging said, a good place to post your situation might be on one of the affair boards. You may find any of these helpful: My Affair Support, After the Affair, or Ending an Affair Support.
If you want to check around for other types of support, or to see what it would be like if you were the one in the relationship with a cheating partner, you can check out the Relationship Problems section of the message boards.
I say what the others are saying.
If you don't have feelings for him then you CAN control yourself. If it's just sex then it's just SEX and you should easily have the willpower to avoid "just" having sex with someone. Go home and masturbate or something. I don't believe you when you say that you don't have feelings anymore.
Don't be a victim and go along with the idea that because he's an authority figure that he has control over you and that you have no choice in this. Maybe that's true to a degree but you also have quite a bit of power in return - as an example of one thing, you have the power to screw his marriage up. You're not the poor, trapped, potentially jobless, taken advantage-of woman that you may think that you are.
If you are posting here then part of you wants it to stop. And only you can do that in the same way that only a smoker can make themselves give up. There's not much that we can say to help you.
You are right, there is a part of me that wants to stop.
>>Now it's like whenever something happens in his life, instead of going to his wife like he should- I'm enabling him because I allow him to do whatever you know. <<
That's exactly the problem. Of course he and his wife drifted apart. He was talking to you instead of her and thus you have played an active part in all this. You KNOW (knew) that you were not helping his situation and making it worse by being the confidant yet you let it happen. Even without the sex, you were helping to screw his marriage up. Without you around he may have eventually talked to his wife, or had something happen that made him turn to his wife and proceed to sort things out. With you around that never happened.
Regardless of whether you cared for him or not, you haven't done yourself any favours over the years either. By having him you've avoided relationships with other men too. Sure, you had dates and things turned to poo with other men but he's become the surrogate man in your life too. With him around there is no hope for a relationship with a man for you in the same way that there is no hope for him to patch things up with his wife while you are around.
You've both managed to make each others lives worse (and for those involved like his wife and kids) while thinking that you've made things better for each other. You keep putting a bandaid on a gaping wound.
History or not, there is a point when you have to make a decision about what you are going to do. Sure, you could wait around until the wife has had enough or discovers the affair but that ain't gonna be a very nice situation either - and that WILL screw up your career, his career and a lot of things. Not to mention your reputation that will probably get around ahead of you when you apply for other jobs. Waiting is only going to make all this worse, not better.
Continue to bury your head in the sand if you like. That's your choice.
>>>History or not, there is a point when you have to make a decision about what you are going to do. Sure, you could wait around until the wife has had enough or discovers the affair but that ain't gonna be a very nice situation either - and that WILL screw up your career, his career and a lot of things. Not to mention your reputation that will probably get around ahead of you when you apply for other jobs. Waiting is only going to make all this worse, not better.<<<
Well- you'd be proud of me, it's been a week since you told me this and I have some good news.
That's really really good news - and thank you for the feedback. We don't always get to hear how things are panning out after people have posted.
I'm not sure if I would have called you a sex addict - but then we didn't really go into that stuff and your past and even if you aren't, the support from those around you may be really helpful. Just keep a level head about it all and question the things that they say and ask yourself if they really do apply to you and your past. I think that many of us have had a wild and loose past without actually being sex addicts while we were looking for something or trying to find ourselves and our place in life.
Once again, good luck with the future!
That's great! I'm glad you're taking these steps. Just take some time for yourself.
I just have one question.. You said "And then I told them- I f'ed a man who was married and had kids (my boss)." Why did you feel you needed to tell them anything?
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