need help with oral

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
need help with oral
13
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:08am
I never thought I had a problem with oral sex; have actually been told I did it quite well in the past. But, my boyfriend doesn't feel the same. He told me in the beginning of our relationship (6 months ago) how he preferred it to be performed on him. I tried my best...had never used that particular technique before. I didn't think it was going that bad, but he has never came when I perform it. To make matters worse, I know that his ex-girlfriend did it quite to his liking...and since he knows I know this, I think he feels very uncomfortable when I want to "practice", even though he says that practice is all we need to cure this problem. He probably feels obligated to get off, and I understand this. But now what do we do? We got in a horrible fight about this last weekend...well, we were both drunk, so that didn't help. I guess I was prying into oral sex with his ex (I don't remember)---he said that he felt "backed against a wall", and he went off and said that his ex used to do it in the truck and he'd come in her mouth, and that I SUCK! He later said I didn't suck, that he was just mad and looking for the meanest thing to say at the time, but I'm worried about this. I read in a book called What Do Men Want that if you are not giving your man good oral sex, he will CONTINUOUSLY think about the last person/time he got it. He claims this isn't so and didn't have oral sex from his ex-wife for 6 years....but I am tending to believe the book. And I don't want him to always think of his ex as the blow job goddess.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: pam9
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:44am
He sounds like a total jerk to me, and if I were in your shoes, I'd just tell him "sorry, I suck, but evidently not as well as your ex.....so why don't you just go back to her, and get out of my life!"

Whatever his problem is, it's HIS problem, and has nothing to do with you, or the way you're doing anything. But, you're allowing him to blame YOU for his problem. Stop being a doormat for him, and allowing him to blame you for his inadequacy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
In reply to: pam9
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:35am
HEHEHEHE! I think you just made my night saying that!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pam9
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:52am
This is HIS problem.

But if he doesn't want you to practice....and that makes me laugh because my DH WANTS me to practice ALL the time(!), then he'll just have to get used to YOUR technique, won't he? Or do without altogether.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: pam9
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:54am
I totally agree! How can a guy be complaining about "bad" oral sex?! Is he going down on you? How's he doing? Are you his sex slave or what? Im pissed off for you! I think he shoudl be thankful he has a girl to perform oral sex on him and expect nothing in return, and listen to him complain about how its not good enough... um sorry, thats just not acceptable. I think you can find a million guys who would be happy just to be with you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
In reply to: pam9
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 2:20pm
Well, hell, this is quite amusing. These were not the responses I had planned to receive at all! Huh...his problem. I never thought about it that way. Just thought to myself, "His ex-girlfriend gave him great blow jobs and mine are inferior---not the right technique for him to get off, so it's my problem." Hmmm...well, I guess I just won't worry about it now then. If he doesn't feel comfortable having me do my thing and practicing to make it feel good for him, then you are right. He won't get them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: pam9
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 1:50pm
Pam-

Maybe you should ask him if you should "practice" on someone else? Since he doesn't like you practicing on him, tell him you'll take his technique and practice on another man until you've "perfected" it and then MAYBE you'll come back and show him what you've learned. Meanwhile, is he satisfying you completely? If not, start telling him how to "do" it better.

Jenn

"Many Persons have a wrong idea what constitutes true happiness.  It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."  Helen Keller
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
In reply to: pam9
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:09pm
Maybe I'm misreading your original post but I got the impression he isn't the one who told you she was able to get him off with oral. Is that right? And that he is uncomfortable with asking you to practice the technique that he requires to get off. Am I getting this right?

Is he complaining about the way you do oral? Or is he merely telling you that he can only get off if this technique is done? Those are two different things. Sometimes a sex act will feel good but not trigger an orgasm. And he may be feeling bad that he has to have a specific technique in which to orgasm. And he may be feeling bad that you are feeling you have to practice this technique.

It sounded from your post that your reason for wanting to practice isn't because he is complaining but because of something written in a book. He has told you that he isn't thinking of his ex as his best oral sex. But you are feeling that he is comparing your technique to hers. Why is that? Is that also because of the book? If it is, throw the book away. Listen to what he tells you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to practice this technique but if either of you are feeling anxious about it, it isn't likely to be effective anyway.

We all want to be the best sex our SOs have had. But it really isn't all that important in the whole scheme of a relationship. Instead of fretting over your expertise, just enjoy the sex you are having. Sex isn't going to keep him in this relationship anyway. There is a whole lot more to a lasting relationship.

Good luck!

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
In reply to: pam9
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 12:44am
I feel/it seems that he is uncomfortable with "practicing" because he knows that I know that his ex was successful at giving him bj's---and I haven't been as successful, so now he feels pressure when I do it.

He doesn't complain about the way I do it...but I know that it's not as good as his ex. I do feel like he's comparing because when he tells me how he likes it, it's obviously the way that she used to do it...and I'm not doing it as well as she did. And I do think that his ex gave him his best oral sex...his ex-wife didn't do it at all because he said she was awful at it.

I realize that the whole relationship doesn't revolve around sex and if I'm better than his ex. But I have overheard him say that his ex was the best sex he ever had...and to hear that hurts like hell. So when you don't feel like you're adding up, and you tell him this, he tries to protect you and make you feel like you're doing just fine. But when you can't get him off orally, it causes strain in the relationship. And I'd like to end that strain...just not sure how.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
In reply to: pam9
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 11:57am
It might not be that you aren't getting him off orally that is causing the strain. It might be that you agonizing over not getting him off orally that is causing the strain. Some men have a very hard time getting off orally. And not all men care about getting off orally. It sounds like your SO is one who has a difficult time getting off this way. Yes, his ex-gf was able to get him off. But that doesn't mean that he expects that all women will be able to do this. It is obvious that this bothers you. The added pressure of trying to get off to please you, might also be causing him to have a more difficult time getting off this way. Please don't listen to any book or person who says that a man can't be satisfied in a relationship unless he receives regular blow jobs to completion. I know a lot of men who do not get oral sex and they are very happy in the relationships. I really think if you would just let go of this expectation, you would eventually reach your goal. No one sex act makes or breaks a relationship. Obviously being the best sex he ever had didn't win his ex-gf his heart. So relax and don't stress over the blow job thing. Continue to explore your sexuality with this man and I'll bet once the pressure is off, he will eventually reach orgasm through the blow jobs you give him. The more trust you develop between the two of you, the easier it is for some men to relax and orgasm through oral sex.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
In reply to: pam9
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 1:07am
Well, we got into a fight on the phone Saturday night and he has broken up with me, so I guess I don't have to worry about it now. That's what I get for dating a man that I never really trusted to begin with.

Pam

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