need help in sexual life in marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
need help in sexual life in marriage
12
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 3:00pm
I have been married year and 3 months. it was ok in beginning. but from last few months, my DH is neglecting me. we haven't enjoy sex from months. when i asked him about sex,he said that "when we do love, he gets pain and he has no more intrest.....:)" he is big compare to me,,,,i mean both physically and sex organs. few days ago he did not talk to me properly. we talked less than 2 sentences a day. but it is ok now. he has hectic schedule at work....... i asked him to go to sex therapist or marriage counsellor. because he has no more intrest and that pain,,, he denied it. i am worried about it. and when i start to do foreplay, he just ignores me. and sometimes he gets angry on me and said that i told you that i don't want to do that. i don't remember when we did that last time, i know sex is not everything in life but it is something in life... help me out.

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Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 6:42pm

Sounds as if he is letting your marriage fall by the wayside. It takes TWO people to make a good married. He is not holding up his end of the deal.

Perhaps you two should go to a marrige counsellor. If you let him continue to treat you this way, there will be nothing left in your marriage. Sex is not everything in a marriage, but without it and if you are also being treated without respect, there is no real marriage. Good luck in talking sense into that husband of yours.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 7:04pm

If he's having pain, then he needs to see a dr. Sounds like he could have an infection or even a psychological issue he needs to resolve.

But if you can't get him to go to counseling with you, go by yourself. You'll get objective support and advice from a professional. That can only help.

But you can't control anyone but yourself. Do what you can do to deal with this problem by going to counseling and hopefully, you'll come away with more ideas to deal with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:42am
The surest way to destroy a marriage is to see a marriage counsellor. They will bleed you dry financially without solving the problem. I can tell you from experience that there are one of two issues impacting him. The first is a physical type of problem and I would get him to see his doctor before addressing the second explaination. Another explaination is there is a relationship issue. Sex is a reflection of the relationship and not the other way around. A good relationship goes hand in hand with a good sex life. If a physical explaination has been ruled out as the reason then sit down with your husband and talk to openly about your relationship. By doing it this way it will save you $10,000s of thousands of dollars and you will reach a solutions much quicker, than having gone to a marriage therapist.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 10:25am

Absolutely disagree. Obviously, if all problems could be solved by the couple themselves, they wouldn't be recurring ones.

Marriage counseling can be a marriage SAVER if a couple can't solve serious problems on their own or they don't know how to communicate in a respectful or effective way. Poor communication is usually at the heart of most problems anyway.

And most couples only pay a copay and their insurance covers the rest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:47am

I agree with Katmandoo! It would be wonderful if a couple could sit down and talk to each other, discuss their problems, and work things out. Unfortunately, that's not the norm for many people with problems. If they could do that, they wouldn't HAVE problems.

That's the difference between people with problems, and people who don't have problems. Everyone HAS occasional problems, but if they refuse to talk about them, refuse to figure out what's causing those problems, then they escalate.

In this case, he refuses to discuss the problems. If he really has pain during sex, then he should see a doctor. But when she says "see a doctor" he suddenly has no pain. How can she discuss something with someone who refuses to talk to her about it?

He probably won't agree to counselling either.......but that's not saying that she shouldn't get help.....and maybe learn how to get him to open up, or possibly see that she's fighting a losing battle, and might as well either get used to it, or get out of it.

Getting an unbiased opinion is one way of seeing what you don't want to see. Making an effort to solve the problem with outside help isn't any more "expensive" than getting a divorce. If you don't pay a counsellor, you'll wind up paying an Attorney. In the state that I live in, you can't even GET a divorce without submitting to some counselling. It may or may not help, but at least you'll know you've tried everything possible.

PS: As Katmandoo said, in most cases, health insurance will pay for at least a PART of the counselling......I don't know of any insurance that will pay Attorney's fees. Equating costs with results isn't very effective. That's like saying "I've just broken my arm, and I know it will cost thousands of dollars to fix it.....so maybe I'll just talk to my arm, and it will either get better, or I'll learn to live with a twisted arm!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 3:25pm

Hi Everyone!!!!

Thanks so much for your honest opinion. but i tried to convience him to see to doctor, but he just refused to go to doctor. how can i convience him?????

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:16pm

You can't. IF he doesn't care that your relationship is going to suffer from this problem, then there's little you can do. You can't convince the inconvincable though.

Talk with your dr., describe his pain and see what his opinion is. Maybe what he tells you will convince your husband to make an appt.

If he doesn't care about his own health or his marriage, then you should start thinking about your own future... starting with counseling. At some point, you're going to have to draw a line in the sand though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:19pm

I disagree with you also on the marriage counselor advise.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:24pm

You can't convince him to go.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:29am

There is one of two things going on here - either he is lying about the pain and using "pain" as an excuse to avoid having sex with you, or he doesn't want to have to go through the "embarrassing" process of talking to a Doctor about pain in his penis. And for most men, that IS an embarrassing thing to have to do and we sometimes put up with pain in and hope that it will go away to avoid having to talk to a Doctor about it.

You can't make him go to a Doctor but it sounds like you can talk to him a little bit about your sex life. I would stop thinking about Marriage Counsellors just at the moment and summon up your courage and assertiveness. Sit him down on a comfortable chair and say to him - "I want to talk about our sex life. You are not as interested in sex as you used to be, we are not having sex as much as we used to. You tell me that you have pain when we have sex. I would like us to have a great sex life but from what you have told me, this pain that you get is spoiling sex for both of us. It concerns me that you have pain anywhere regardless of where you get it, and I really think that you should see a Doctor because it doesn't sound like the pain is getting any better and our sex life is not working very well.

And if it's not really about pain, I'd like to know what it is about so that we can do something about it. Can you tell me what's going on?"

If that does get him saying something then by all means go to a marriage counsellor.

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