Need Help With Wierd Situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Need Help With Wierd Situation
10
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 7:06pm

Hi, I stumbled across these forums and was wondering if anyone could tell me if this is normal or not. I am an inexperienced male (19) that met a hot experienced female (23) about 4 months ago. It’s the first time I’ve had a semi-serious relationship. About 2 weeks ago, I found myself having a hard time paying the bills. My girlfriend offered to let me move in. This would be the first time I ever shared a place with a girlfriend. However, she made a condition that she was not yet ready to have sex (intercourse) with me. She wanted us to wait even though she has been with other guys that way in the past. She asked me if I liked oral sex. I replied that I did and loved giving it to. I thought this was a good answer. However, she said that she doesn’t like giving it at all. (It was weird to hear this because I had learned from a previous conversation we had in the beginning of going out that she loved receiving oral sex, but she never mentioned not liking to give it). She said that if I were to live with her we wouldn’t have sex but that she would make it up to me by giving me a hand job from time to time. I don’t want to delve into too many details here but I ended up moving into her apartment.
Sorry this is so long already but here is the weird thing I need advice on. Now that I am living with her for the past couple weeks I’ve encountered some things. The main thing is that everyday she wants me to go down on her when she gets home from work or the gym and she only wants me to do it from behind! I don’t want to refuse because 1. She’s so damn hot, 2. I really like her and 3. I need a place to stay (and I love living with her otherwise). I don’t mind going down on a girl but for some reason she says the only way she likes it is if she receives oral sex in doggie style position. It’s really hard to put your tongue on her with out having to grind your face into her butt. Sorry if this sounds messed up. Is this normal for some women? I asked her about it one day last week right before we were about to go at it but she kind of cut me off and said that it only feels good in that position or with her on top facing away from me. She also said some other stuff like that I am great at getting her off and that I’m awesome. I want to please her. The other thing is that I don’t get much in return. If she is on top of me, she’ll give me a quick hand job or make me wrap my hands around myself and she put her hands on mine and gives me a hand job that way. She usually likes it when I masturbate while I go down on her from behind. I’m hoping that she’ll be ready to have sex someday soon but so far she says she wants to wait for a while until she knows it’s the right time.

Any advice or am I overreacting to the situation?
Thanks in advance.
Pete

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 7:40pm

It doesn't sound to much like it's a *mutual* relationship since everything seems to be her way and on her terms.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:22pm

It definitely sounds like this is a one-way street and as tish said it certainly has overtones of a D/s situation. As tish pointed out everything in this "relationship" is on her terms, she doesn't even look at you when you're performing oral on her, it's oral on her terms only, and any contact with you is, again, strictly on her terms and very minimal and seems like it is only *just* enough to keep you interested. Her praise of your oral skills sounds like it's designed to encourage you to continue, and not actually genuine either. You may be good, but that's doesn't sound like the reason she is telling you that you are.

>>I’m hoping that she’ll be ready to have sex someday soon...<<
I wouldn't be holding my breath for that. Something tells me that you'll be waiting a very lomg time.

If you like being in a D/s relationship (or something that is close to one) where you are forever being teased and frustrated and being made to be submissive, then yeah, stick with her. But if you are hoping that this is going to turn into an equal relationship then I think that you will only be disappointed and angry in the end. I wouldn't be surprised if one day you find yourself being asked to move out just as quickly as she suggested that you move in either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 12:10am

Petect, you are being used big time. There is nothing "normal" about her behavior toward you! Usually it's the woman that's being used for sex, and in that case everyone says if it's not a MUTUALLY satisfying relationship, if it's all one sided...then it's time to get out.

You're paying for your rent with your self-respect! Do something about your financial situation, and make arrangements to get out of there. Don't let her use you this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 1:54am

Message boards are a difficult place to get the advice you need. Reason being allot of the needed information is held back for the sake of brevity and privacy. After reading your posting it seems as there are at least three possible explainations for your girlfriends behaior. The first could be that she has had a bad relationship in the past and is uncertain about taking this relationship further. She might find comfort in this type of relationship and it may be where she is at the moment.

Another possible explaination is that she is into a domineering / submissive type of relationship when it comes to sex. She may enjoy controlling the situation, the rules, and may find enjoyment in this type of activity.

Finally, as I was reading your reply and writing my response one thing came to mind. Have you an understanding of the type of relationship you have living with her? Are the two of you dating exclusively or are the two of you sharing a place to minimize expenses? If the latter is the case, it could be that she may want a cuckhold relationship. I am not sure if you are familiar with the term cuckhold and in case you are not I will provide you with an explaination. A cuckhold relationship is a variation of an open relationship where one partner, usually the m, remains exclusive to the other partner and the other partner, usually f, is free to have sex with others.

Like I said as I was replying to your posting this came to mind and nothing you said indicated that she sees this relationship as a cuckhold. However 'reading between the lines' I am wondering if this is not an explaination for her behavior. In any case best to sit down with her and clarify the nature of the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 9:52am
Hi, Petect. The overriding question here, it seems to me, is where do you want this relationship to go? The best predictor of a person's future behavior is their past and current behavior. Given that you are being jerked around, take a hard look at the facts. I think you'll see that there's no future for you with this woman. Work two jobs if you have to to be able to make a decision without feeling trapped. I think that's a better alternative than having your self esteem drug in the dirt. Good luck! David.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 7:04pm

Wow, thanks for all the responses! I think I overstated a couple things though - and understated a few others. When I said that I found myself in financial trouble, I wasn’t dependent on having to move in with someone. I am fine; I just knew that it would help more than living alone. Plus it was my first chance to live with a girl. I’ve been out of my parent’s house for almost 3 years now (long story). I never realized how domineering this all seemed until I read everyone’s responses. It has made me think about my arrangement in more depth. It’s embarrassing to say, even on a message board, that the only real reason for me posting in the first place was that I was concerned about how she was making me give her oral sex. It’s hard for me to describe but when I go down on her from behind the way she loves me to do, she kind of gyrates a lot and my tongue slips all over, and sometimes I am licking her butt. Sorry if this sounds gross. That’s why I came here though. She seems to really get off when it happens. I’m torn because I feel great knowing that I am making her feel good but feel very awkward knowing how I’m doing it. Do other guys lick girls down there? Sorry if I sound naïve, I never had a girlfriend in high school that ever mentioned this. I asked her if she really liked that and she said that it felt awesome and that she takes care of herself and not to worry because she is always clean. Over the weekend I tried to be tactful and told her that I didn’t like to do it after she comes home from the gym because she’s a bit- I used the work “ripe”- down there. She said she understood it’s just she gets really horny after working out and that she wouldn’t make me if I really didn’t want to. I guess I understand a bit for I can get a bit horny after working out too. However, I haven’t been to the gym a quite a long time. (Side note – need to get back!) So anyway, after reading everyone’s replies, it seems like I am in this horrible relationship. It really isn’t. We love to watch TV together, cook together, walk at night together, etc. I love being with her. It’s just that she has some weird “wants” in the bedroom. She has also hinted that she might be willing to take the next step in the bedroom. So we’ll see. Oh, and I highly doubt that I am a “cuckold” like one poster mentioned I might be. There is no way she is seeing another guy. She has male friends but that’s all they are. In fact, they are probably jealous of me! I know my friends are. They keep telling me she’s “out of my league!” Ha! I am taking some of your advisement and plan on talking to her about our “sex life” soon. I want to do it when the time is right and when I know she won’t get upset.

Thanks again
Pete

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:18am

OK then, to answer your real question, Yes, many women like having their anus licked. It has lots of sensitive nerve endings. This is not the same as penetrating the anus though. Although many women like that too, you don't usually want to surprise them with a finger or whatever. Anal penetration is a bit different for men and women, while men have the prostate gland that can be stimulated by a gently inserted finger, women don't have a prostate so the sensation is a bit different. It can still be quite enjoyable but it is a bit different none-the-less.

>>So anyway, after reading everyone’s replies, it seems like I am in this horrible relationship. It really isn’t.<<

OK, so long as you are aware that what she wants in the bedroom is decidedly one-sided and you are 100% happy with that, then it's fine. Personally, I'd want equal rights and that means oral sex to orgasm for me if she's not ready for intercourse, but hey, whatever you're happy with is good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 8:39am

For your question on her enjoying having her butt licked, yes


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 4:03pm

So long as you are giving her what she wants, she will let you hang around. So long as you hang around, you are not actively looking for someone with whom to have a more equal relationship. So long as you are not in an equal relationship, the more accustom to being used you will become.

Are you really that desperate? I say go find a partner who is willing to explore sex and sexuality on a more even basis. But, hey, that's my personal view.

You could always make giving her a rim job (slang for licking her anus) dependent upon her satisfying you first! If she decides to kick you out, I suggest that you stay out.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 4:13pm
Let me start by saying “thank you” to everyone who responded with such great advice. Although, I wish I followed it sooner, I want to let everyone know that I finally left her and moved out! Albeit, under humiliating circumstances, I finally saw her for who she really was and couldn’t take it anymore. I feel that I really need to re-evaluate the people I date from now on. I need to become less insecure.
I finally came to the harsh conclusion that she was in the relationship for herself and I was there to be used. At first, even after everyone’s advice on this message board, I didn’t want to believe that I was being used for her “pleasure.” However, I know now.
I guess I’ll tell everyone what ended up being the point at which I couldn’t take it any longer. Let me preface it by saying that I feel humiliated, degraded but free right now. I’m embarrassed for myself and what I let myself do to feel wanted in the relationship. These are lessons I’ve learned.
Last weekend we went out to dinner and a movie and had lots of fun. (Saw The Prestige – Great movie, go see it!) When we got home, she started to get really touchy feely and I could tell she was horny. I figured she wanted me to go down on her before bed. However, she simply said, “I think I’m ready.” At first, I didn’t know what she meant so I asked. She replied, in certain terms, that she was ready to have sexual intercourse with me. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited.
I’ll try to be brief here. Basically, we started making out in our bedroom and took off our clothes. I already had an erection. She pushed me down on the bed and proceeded to get on top. (She’s on birth control so I don’t need to hear about unprotected sex comments) I didn’t know if I was reading too much into it but I was surprised when she mounted me in reverse. I thought it a strange position to have our first sexual intercourse encounter. But she always preferred that position during oral sex. (Now that I look back on it, I think it was less intimate that way and maybe that’s what she really preferred - Thoughts?) Now, I’m a little excited here, it being the first time for us. I tried to hold back as much as I could but I came very quickly. (That’s normal the first time isn’t it?) I figured she’d totally understand and we would do it again as soon as I was ready. And at first she didn’t seem mad or anything. She just asked me if I had finished already. She sounded a bit disappointed though. So now I am starting to feel bad and she’s not even off me yet. However, I couldn’t believe what she did next. She lifted off me and crawled back until her pelvis was above my face and mouth. I asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was still horny and needed me to finish her off. I literally felt a sharp pang in my chest. It’s one thing to give her oral sex, but doing so after having sex and coming in her. I was a bit repulsed. I blurted out “babe that’s gross.” But she begged me and told me that she was horny and that it wasn’t fair and stuff. I don’t know why I caved in - time after time it seemed I always did and she knew she could take advantage of that. I just stayed there as she lowered herself on me and I proceeded to “satisfy” her for the next half hour. She seemed to be getting really off on it and I just took it and I knew then that the relationship wasn’t right. Afterward, I just felt sick to my stomach. And it wasn’t just from licking her after coming in her but the whole situation. I felt so degraded and awful. I finally told her I would never do that again.
The next morning I still felt the same way. I became argumentive with her and we got into a huge fight. I told her that she didn’t treat me well and that I felt used. She was pissed. She didn’t even seem remorseful. I won’t go into too much detail but the fight lasted a long time. I finally told her that it wasn’t going to work out and that I was moving out. I packed up my things on Monday and she just glared at me the whole time. She made it a point to call a guy she knew to set up a date later on in the week and made sure that I heard the entire conversation. At that point, I didn’t even care. It’s what she said to me when I left that really ticked me off and completely showed me the person she really was. She actually said as I was leaving that she had one question for me. The bitch that she is asked me if I enjoyed eating my cum more or eating her 5hit. I thought I was going to punch her but decided I wouldn’t stoop to her level and just left without even saying a word.
So I am rooming with a buddy until I find my own place. Like I said, I still feel humiliated, degraded and a bit psychologically messed up, to say the least, but man, does it feel good to be free of her. I’m not sure I would have done it without the help of those that replied with such great advice and planted the seed that perhaps I was in a messed up relationship and unless I wanted to be used, I needed to get out. I feel that I would never divulge such intimacies without the aid of an anonymous forum such as this one. It must help a lot of people dealing with such private issues.
Thanks again,
Pete



Edited 11/2/2006 5:18 pm ET by petect2006