Need a mans honest opinion or womens
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| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 12:00pm |
I have been with my partner for 9 years, our sex life has been great and never lacking I am not prudish and don't have a problem with trying or doing anything we have been adventurous sex out side etc even sneaking into an a&p bathroom grocery shopping.
Last week I discovered that he has been viewing live sex cam girls behind my back when I asked him about it he got angry and said that it wasn't live sex cam girls it was couples he also said that he was viewing the shows to find a better way to please me because sometimes when we have sex and are rushed I don't cum and it makes him feel bad so he was trying to find ideas on how to please me.
I will admit I did get angry its not because of the fact that he was looking at other women its the fact he was going behind my back to do it. Also because we have sex as often as 10 times a week it made me feel inadequate and not good enough for him.
He says this is not true and that he loves me and I have nothing to worry about but it pisses me off that if there is a problem in our relationship he cannot be open enough with me about it and dicover new and exciting things with me.
He says he does not go on those sites to get off but rather find ways to get me off because the sex is not as good when he cums and I don't.
I have tried asking him what he likes/wants to try he says everything thing is great that I do and he loves everything.
ANY opinions of this would be appreciated.

Maybe it would make you feel better if you guys watched it together for more ideas. You definitely need to talk to him about it, and if need be you guys need to set bounderies that the both of you are comfortable with.
Porn is NOT competition! I don't get why women are so scared of it! If you're having sex 10 times a week, why in the world would you think that you're not "good enough" or "adequate" for him? Hon, if that was the case, you'd be having sex ZERO times a week, and he'd be spending all his time on the computer.
Having said that, if you're having sex 10x a week after 9 years together, then I'd believe that he was looking for "ideas"....and you should tell him not to "hide" it from you, but let you watch, too!
As for "quickies" that don't give you orgasms.....it probably doesn't bother you, so why should it bother him? Women aren't like men.....they don't HAVE to have orgasms to enjoy sex.....some women NEVER have them, but they still enjoy all the sexual activity. Tell him not to worry about it, because it doesn't bother you. (It's guys that think like your partner that make women fake them!)
If you were here complaining that your partner totally ignored you, then I'd say you have a complaint. Tell him you want to explore new ideas WITH him.
Welcome to the board redredroses.
Porn is a huge issue in many relationships. Personally, I don't see a problem with watching porn so long as it doesn't interfere with the intimacy between the two of you. It's very unlikely that his viewing has anything to do with you, especially since you're having sex 10 or so times a week. People are often raised that viewing porn and/or masturbating is wrong -- add to that your anger when you discovered what he was doing, and he was put in a position of becoming defensive. Some people become defensive by covering their butt, perhaps making up something that they think might be the most pleasing to you.
I think every relationship needs boundaries. Sometimes those boundaries are assumed, which can cause problems. Likely, you assumed that one of your boundaries was that he wouldn't watch porn, more specifically others on web cams, without your knowledge and/or approval. Since this isn't something that you discussed previously, then you should discuss it -- but it should be a discussion not and inquisition or an accusation. While it may make you uncomfortable that he watches porn, you need to understand and believe him when he says it's not about you or how he feels about you.
While I don't have a problem with my guy watching porn, I view that as non-interactive porn. One dimension -- he watches, gets his kicks, and turns the porn off. Watching someone on a web cam is a very different, and often a very interactive event. There's tons of amateur porn available if he wants to get ideas from non-pro types of people, but when watching someone or a couple on a webcam, that brings a different dimension to the event. It usually brings the possibility of communicating with the other person as one of those differences. Before deciding on your boundaries, you may also want to watch with him to get a better understanding of how you really feel about it.
Here are a couple of resources that you might find helpful:
The Truth About Men and Masturbation
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/0,,drpatti_23n7,00.html
Just the Three of Us: Me, You, and Porn
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextaboos/0,,michon_8h342924,00.html
Have I Been Replaced by Porn? (Dr Ruth)
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextaboos/0,,drruth_pwcc,00.html
Is it wrong for my husband to watch porn?
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextaboos/0,,3f6l,00.html
IVillage also offers a message board, Pornography and Your Relationship. Here’s a link if you would also like to ask for advice there:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhtporn
Hopefully, the two of you will be able to talk and reach a middle ground. Let us know how things go.
my partner in the siggy exchange