Need opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Need opinions
9
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 9:20pm
I want people's opinions on the following question:

Do men feel rejected when a woman says no to any type of sexual advance?

Background: I met someone almost 3 months ago in another state, while visiting a school with my sister. I met a graduate student who is about 5 1/2 years younger than me. We clicked so when I got home, we emailed eachother and talked on the phone about visiting one another. So I agreed to visit him about two weeks ago for a couple of days. I decided to rent my own place. When I got there, he convinced me to stay with him (I'd have my own separate room-his room, he slept in the living room). The next day, we were talking in his room, and I was in a bed and he was in a futon across from me. We had an interesting conversation and he got up out of his futon and climbed in the bed with me. This made me feel uncomfortable and he therefore moved off the bed.

What boggles me is that he said I rejected him. To be honest, I did not see it that way. I told him that I was not a fast mover and that my physical boundaries were hugging and kissing. By the way, I am a virgin and I am 30. What do you all think of this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: hosswhispra
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 11:50pm
What I think is that if he feels rejected, then he'll have to deal with it.

I also think that you should have stuck to your original plan to rent a place to stay. By allowing him to talk you into staying with him, he probably assumed you'd be willing to do whatever he had in mind. But, it's still his problem.

He'll get over it, or he won't.......AND if he doesn't...what does that tell you? He thought he was going to have a week-end of sex.....and he didn't get it. If he was interested in you, he'd accept that, but if he's going to sulk about being rejected, he's mad that he didn't get what he wanted.

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hosswhispra
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:21am
possibly because of your lack of sexual experience, you are acting naive for your age. if you spend the night at a man's place (in his bed nonetheless) it is likely that there is some suggestion or expectation of sexual interaction.

is he aware that you are a virgin? if not, he attempted to engage with you as an average 30 year old. i don't mean to be rude, but most 30 year olds do not have slumber parties with the opposite sex, nor do they keep it just at kissing when they spend the night at a man's house.

yes, you rejected his sexual advances and it is quiet likely that he read this as you rejecting him personally.

you may want to have a talk with him about your experience to help him reframe things and understand where you are coming from.

all that said, i'm glad you didn't let him pressure you and did what you were comfortable with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: hosswhispra
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:32am
Well, you DID reject him.

He made a sexual advance, you said "I'm uncomfortable" and he stopped. That's rejection all right!

But you only rejected him that once. And you only rejected a sexual advance. You told him that you are a 'slow mover' which will help him put it into context and understand that it was simply because he was moving too fast for you. If he's upset about that then maybe he was more interested in sex than he was in a serious relationship.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hosswhispra
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:31am
Any time a person makes an advance, they run the risk of being rejected. So what? He won't die from it.

He apparently thought that you were agreeing to something physical when you took him up on the offer to stay at his place though. But, that's HIS problem since you said that you informed him that you weren't a "fast mover." He'll survive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
In reply to: hosswhispra
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:06pm
Thanks everyone...I just need to hear it from others, than myself intuitively. By the way after this all happened, I went and got my own room at a hotel. We still got together the next day. I feel I explained to him thoroughly I was not "rejecting" him. He's pretty smart, so he should of understood what I said. Sometimes I feel that I should have grown up in a different time period, I just don't like to rush into things. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: hosswhispra
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:14pm
Well, you did reject his advances, but rightfully so if you weren't ready. He should respect that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: hosswhispra
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 7:06pm
Yep! I totally agree with greenteabag.

Who cares if he felt rejected? He didn't care that you felt uncomfortable when he climbed into bed with you.

Probably was surprised that he didn't get a weekend of sex, but so what. If he likes you, it won't matter.

Sara

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: hosswhispra
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 9:22am
I`d say that in todays society, men are not very concerned about marring a virgin. If you are saving yourself for marriage, good for you, but you won`t find to many understanding men.(or men who will believe there are still 30 year old virgins) Ofcourse if a man wants sex and is turned down , he will feel rejected. ANYTIME!There are few exceptions, such his woman is sick, or totally exaushted. Even if its not the case, the man will feel at that particular time you dont find him sexually attractive.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: hosswhispra
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 9:42am
My last post #9 was written before I read any other people responses to your original post. Someone stated that he was approching you as a normal 30 year old. I totally agree with that statement. If he knew you were a virgin, then his actions were somewhat off base. If he DIDN`T know you were a virgin, what did you expect? I`m not a chauvinist here , but many men feel its up to them to make the first move. He did what came naturally for most 30 year olds. Besides I`m not sure you are being honest with us here on the board, or him or yourself. Not the fact that you are a virgin, I can believe that. The statement that you said you are a "slow mover." A more accurate statement is that you are a "no mover." The fact that you have never said yes substantiates that. Maybe you have never found the right "one" or maybe you are waiting for marriage. Those are good reasons not to have sex, but to say you are a slow mover isnt accurate.