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| Mon, 06-28-2004 - 9:20pm |
Do men feel rejected when a woman says no to any type of sexual advance?
Background: I met someone almost 3 months ago in another state, while visiting a school with my sister. I met a graduate student who is about 5 1/2 years younger than me. We clicked so when I got home, we emailed eachother and talked on the phone about visiting one another. So I agreed to visit him about two weeks ago for a couple of days. I decided to rent my own place. When I got there, he convinced me to stay with him (I'd have my own separate room-his room, he slept in the living room). The next day, we were talking in his room, and I was in a bed and he was in a futon across from me. We had an interesting conversation and he got up out of his futon and climbed in the bed with me. This made me feel uncomfortable and he therefore moved off the bed.
What boggles me is that he said I rejected him. To be honest, I did not see it that way. I told him that I was not a fast mover and that my physical boundaries were hugging and kissing. By the way, I am a virgin and I am 30. What do you all think of this situation?

I also think that you should have stuck to your original plan to rent a place to stay. By allowing him to talk you into staying with him, he probably assumed you'd be willing to do whatever he had in mind. But, it's still his problem.
He'll get over it, or he won't.......AND if he doesn't...what does that tell you? He thought he was going to have a week-end of sex.....and he didn't get it. If he was interested in you, he'd accept that, but if he's going to sulk about being rejected, he's mad that he didn't get what he wanted.
is he aware that you are a virgin? if not, he attempted to engage with you as an average 30 year old. i don't mean to be rude, but most 30 year olds do not have slumber parties with the opposite sex, nor do they keep it just at kissing when they spend the night at a man's house.
yes, you rejected his sexual advances and it is quiet likely that he read this as you rejecting him personally.
you may want to have a talk with him about your experience to help him reframe things and understand where you are coming from.
all that said, i'm glad you didn't let him pressure you and did what you were comfortable with.
He made a sexual advance, you said "I'm uncomfortable" and he stopped. That's rejection all right!
But you only rejected him that once. And you only rejected a sexual advance. You told him that you are a 'slow mover' which will help him put it into context and understand that it was simply because he was moving too fast for you. If he's upset about that then maybe he was more interested in sex than he was in a serious relationship.
He apparently thought that you were agreeing to something physical when you took him up on the offer to stay at his place though. But, that's HIS problem since you said that you informed him that you weren't a "fast mover." He'll survive.
Who cares if he felt rejected? He didn't care that you felt uncomfortable when he climbed into bed with you.
Probably was surprised that he didn't get a weekend of sex, but so what. If he likes you, it won't matter.
Sara