Need orgasm advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2007
Need orgasm advice
9
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 2:24am

I'm 23, and have been having sex for nearly a year (wow). Both my man and I were virgins when we started our relationship, and were friends for three years before we dated. We're very close, very much in love, not shy at all with each other and really enjoy making love.

Just, I have never orgasmed. Ever. Not once. Not even by myself. And don't think I haven't played around--I have. Heck, I have a removable showerhead.

What should I do?

My friend was telling me I should try a vibrator. Actually, he said the back of a vibrating Oral B tooth brush (I didn't ask how he knew this).

Is a vibrator the next step? If so, what kind? There are so many... Do i need anything else?

ps, we are a long-distance relationship at the moment... it's a bummer... And when we are together, we have very little privacy, and I suppose I am never relaxed enough to get to that point--always thinking, "what if someone hears us," "what if someone walks in on us"--and of course, that would humiliate me. these things are also crap...

Edited 5/15/2008 2:28 am ET by audreykait




Edited 5/15/2008 2:30 am ET by audreykait
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 8:55am

Believe it or not, orgasms don't "just happen" to most women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2008
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 11:28am

Learning your body, via masturbation, is a sure way to have great sexual experiences, in general.


Do you enjoy erotic novels or movies?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 11:43am
My DW told me she had never had an O when we first started. She was not a virgin but she had never experienced one. Even through the first year of our relationship and marriage she had never had an O. So it took some work on both of our parts. First I taught her how to masturbate. She had never done that before. So I got her comfortable with herself sexually. Big first step. Then for me constant practice to find those hot spots on her. Then when we finally got her to have one. We arranged for a adult day, no interruptions, all to ourselves. That way there is no stress about anything. Then without any expectations of acheiving an O for her we played and had sex and played some more and had sex some more.
Then without her knowing I put the motion I had been practicing on her. I was sucking and nibbling on her nipples and I formed a "C" with my thumb and index finger. I inserted my index finger in her and started rubbing her G spot, at the same time rolling her clit under my thumb with slight pressure against her pelvis. With her totally relaxed and no expectation she started to show the signs of getting built up. Then while continuing to stimulate her with my hand I verbally encouraged her to let go and let it happen.
He body convulsed and she screamed and had her first O. Now she knows how to do it herself. She still can get hung up and not push herself over that threshold but we keep practicing.
Probably the best part for me is when she is bringing herself up she will grab my head and shove her breasts in my face for me to "help" with her nipples!
Best of luck i hope this insight helps.
-Gerry-



-Gerry-






iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2008
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 12:38pm

I had only ever had one orgasm in my life up until a couple of months ago. You have to stop trying to orgasm and just relax. Fantasise in your head, think about having sex with your partner, think about how it would feel, or how it feels for your partner to be touching you.


If you want to try achieving an orgasm on your own first, there is a good toy you can buy from Ann Summers. You slip it on your finger and it makes your finger vibrate.



Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 3:49pm

Audrey, you've gotten a lot of great advice here. I'll add a bit more ...

My first orgasms actually happened during partnered sex. We were in a position where I was able to control the depth and speed of penetration, and my clit was able to rub against his thigh. The first time it happened, it was an overwhelming feeling that left me in tears .... it wasn't until the second time it happened that I was actually sure what was occurring.

Once you know what you're looking for, the feelings and sensations you experience just prior to an orgasm, it becomes much easier to actually have orgasms.

As the others have said, you have to have your mind in the game. Can't be looking for the orgasm, or worrying about people hearing you. You need to be able to slip away into your own space, fantasize, think about what has felt good in the past, the way you want to be touched, the feelings you want to enjoy. When you are actually feeling those things, you need to hold on to them and go with it. For me, an orgasm is something that I sort of need grab on to, vs. it grabbing onto me. You feel all the things that build to it, and often, the stimulation stops at some point here and you loose it. Being in a position to continue your activity and keeping it pleasurable, while relaxing and enjoying all of those sensations will help you find the orgasm.

As already mentioned, masturbation is a great way to learn what your body needs. You also don't need to be self conscious because no one is watching you. If you have a vibrator, that might be helpful, a hand held shower massage is great too. (I wasn't able to masturbate with just my fingers until just recently, and I'm 45 -- been having orgasms since I was 17.) At any rate, if you can get yourself into a situation where you know you have plenty of alone time, relax (maybe have a glass or two of wine), set a nice mood (music, lighting, etc.) and just explore your body. Even using a blindfold (if that helps you shut your mind down) might be helpful.

I think I gave you some articles on orgasms ... here are some on masturbation that you might find helpful:

Masturbation 101: 6 Tips for Solo Pleasure
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,drpatti_mskn,00.html

Know Thyself: The Female Form 101
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,traceycox_b6vtmjv3,00.html

12 Secrets of Sensational Solo Sex
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,s4jv,00.html

Masturbation 201: 5 Tips for Advanced Pleasure
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,drpatti_mx9m,00.html

You're always more than welcome to post here about any of your sexual concerns. iVillage also has a couple of other boards that you might find helpful in exploring masturbation:

Let's Talk Toys
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsextoys

Solo Sex
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsolo

Keep us posted on how things are going. Hopefully, we'll help you reach your goal ;-)


















iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2007
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 2:11pm

Wow! So much incredible advice. I had no idea. I needed some time to take it all in.

I was pretty sure that the distraction of worrying over privacy would be a problem. Looking forward to getting married and getting a house... Which is hopefully not too close to the neighbors'. ;)

Sakura, that is an interesting thought about vibrators. I will ponder this... And thanks for the website.

But thanks, Nikkie, for the advice on a toy just in case. I'm still thinking about it...

The Adult Day sounds like a good idea, Gerry, as do the hotel, and the blind-fold. I might feel a little silly to suggesting the blind-fold, but I'm sure it would be really effective for me, who gets easily distracted. (ADHD: the gift that keeps on giving.) I'll try it.

Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions and information, and Misty, thanks for getting me to start this thread, and for all the wonderful information you provided. I had wondered what you meant when you said "if left to my fingers..." I think I'm most likely to orgasm during partnered sex as well. Most of the time, we don't do enough foreplay. (Is it ADHD again? because sometimes I just like to get to it.) He thinks I have come close several times, and from what I've read, I have exhibited a few signs of it...

I guess it's just not something I really thought about for the first 8 -10 months of our relationship. (Today is our one-year anniversary!) I don't think I have any reason to fear I will never have an orgasm... I guess sometimes I worry that I am abnormal somehow.

Anyway, thank you all for the time you took to respond to me. I will let you know how it goes (when I finally see him in a month's time!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 8:05pm
Audrey, it is a drag having to wait a month to see him, but it would be great time to try some of the masturbation techniques. I'm sure he would love for you to be able to show him your progress when he returns ;-)


















iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2007
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 10:29pm

Haha, cheeky. ;)

Thanks for reminding me. I'll look at the remaining articles, the ones about masturbation, and give it a try.

Thank you all again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2008
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 11:28pm

"We are a long distance relationship at the moment." Phone sex is a lot of fun! Play the pretend game. Your hands are his hands and his hands are your hands. With two way hot sex talk the O's will appear.


D.