Need some advice..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Need some advice..
24
Sun, 09-11-2005 - 7:48pm
So, for the next few days, me and my boyfriend are at his parents house. Well, last night we ended fooling around in his room that night, and what not, until his parents walked in on use having sex. Well, we both got freaked out, that his parents just closed the door and just walked away. While me and my boyfriend just stopped and I just told him that he needed to invest in a lock for his door after that we didnt talk until today. Well, now heres where I need some adivce, how do we tell his parents that we want to get married without brining up what they saw?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 6:40pm

>>Like you said katmandoo, I think that once we actually go through with the wedding, Iam hoping that they will see me differntly...<<

How do they see you now? I think that you are mistaken if you think that they will see you any differently after the wedding. Sure, they might go out of their way to be a bit nicer or a bit more accomodating, but don't bet that they will view you any differently. In fact, it could even go the other way with them expecting more from you.

So how do they see you now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 6:48pm

Kat,
May I disagree with you. In my house, I make the rules and if I do not want my adult son or daughter to have sex with their girlfriend or boyfriend under my roof, that is my rule and as long as they are in my house, they should abide by it. After my father died, my mother found another man who mad her happy, but they could not get legally married for a variety of reasons that need fixed. I would not let the two of them sleep in the same room in my home until, they had gotten married in a relegious ceremony (they still aren't legally married, just in the eyes of God). So in that case, in my house, I have the right to insist that those in my house abide by my rules. And if the OP's parents had not wanted the two of them to have sex in their house, then they had a reason to open the door.

CH

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 3:10am

Absolutely you can disagree with me, Chahn. But my DH and I jointly make the rules in our house. We're partners and co-parents to our sons so we agree on all the rules of our house.

I totally disagree that his parents have the right to barge into their grown son's room at will, simply because it's their house. Not unless they want to set a precedent, that is. Just doesn't set a good example, IMO, and it's not the way we raised our sons. You typically get respect by being a good example of what you're trying to teach. Their son is an adult and his guest is an adult.

No, I don't think having sex in his parent's house was a good idea IF he knew that they disappoved, but he obviously felt comfortable enough to do it, so apparently, his parents had not discussed their feelings on the subject with him. I'm sure he would have thought twice if they had.

His parents DO have the right to remind their son of their house rules, particularly if they have any regarding premarital sex, and make it understood that they won't tolerate anything going on that they feel is wrong.

But that conversation should have been discussed BEFORE, so that there were no embarrassing incidents like the OP described.

A simple knock on the door with a request to speak to HIM outside would have accomplished the same thing with a lot less embarrassment.

Bottom line, he was wrong to initiate sex in his parent's house but I believe his parents were also wrong to walk into his room without warning. They could have handled a delicate situation better. Two wrongs never make a right.




Edited 9/14/2005 11:10 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 3:24am

"But don't bet that they will view you any differently."

I have to disagree Westie. Speaking from experience from both sides of the picture, I know that my MIL didn't care for me in the beginning but she loves me now.

And I had serious doubts about my former DIL and came to love her as well. It's not a given that you will always feel the same way about your child's potential spouse. Oftentimes, love and acceptance takes time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 7:41am

I agree and disagree with your post CH.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 5:24pm

My wife and I both make the rules, and this is one we are both in complete agreement.

CH

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 5:31pm

Tish I agree, but if I have younger children around the house, I have to make sure that we set the correct example for them.

CH

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 7:21pm
Ever since we started dating, they've seen me as thought Iam this little girl, his parents think Iam with my boyfriend only for sex, which is not true. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, he treats me right, and he loves me for me....When were 16 up until we were 20 we never had sex, cause we both felt we wernt ready for it, physically and emotionally...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 7:38pm

Ok - I aree with much of what has been said but being a opinionated person heres my thoughts:

My Boys are still young but Both my husband and I agree... When They come of an age that girls are more than just playmates and no longer have cooties. There are rules to be followed.

#1 by the time my boys are 13 years old No Girl is allowed in their room with the door closed. They may be in the room together but the door must be open at least half way.

#2 When they are at an age that we know they are engaging in sexual activity we will be discussing their activities with them on a regular basis and making sure they are equiped with the necassary tolls to be safe and educated. We will discourage promiscuious behavior but do are best to be open and encourage responsible behavior. The Door Open Rule Helps us enforce the NO sex in Our home while you are underage rule.

#3 No girls wil be allowed in our home when we are not present, we know rules are made to be broken but hopefully our boys will be respectful of the rules.

#4 When You are A. 18 years old or B. Married you may have girls in your room with the door closed and if you desire, may engage in sexual activity at appropriete times. There are inappropreiete times when you are in your parents home. Such as when younger siblings or family members are around or when compant in general is presnt. If you chose to participate in sexual activities in my home you damn well better be respectful and use common sense.

I will respect my childrens privacy as they mature if they respect the rules. I got some tough love when I was growing up and it didnt hurt me one bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 8:11pm

When girls no longer have cooties.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd