Need some pointers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Need some pointers
4
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 12:51pm

Hey everyone! I've been debating on what exactly to say in the post that would give you an accurate picture of what I'm dealing with, without making it extremely long! :) Heres the story ~ my boyfriend and I been going out for a year and a half. We hit it off immediately and have been going strong ever since! Sounds great, doesn't it?! It is GREAT! Except for one thing...the sex! He's a great looking guy, great sense of humor, great set of morals, tons of fun, etc. I could go on forever ~ plus he gives me the world! We kiss a lot, touch a lot, spoon while we're sleeping, rub eachother's feet when we're watching a movie, kiss each other when we first see each other, take romantic baths together, etc.

The problem is ME ~ I can't seem to lose my inhibitions when it finally comes to the act of sex. I can be confident until it gets to that point.

Example - last night we were lying in bed watching tv...he was in boxers and a t-shirt and i was in a tank top and shorts. A few of the guys at work were saying that you can tell how big a guy is by the distance between their pinky finger and thumb...so I was like, baby..let me see something..so i rubbed him til he got big then put his hand up against himself..in a playful manner. one thing led to another and next thing I knew he was taking my shorts off.

Good to go..right?! Wrong! I freak out! I can get him going and gte it to that point then I freeze. We have sex, but its never the way I'd like it to be. I can never lose my inhibitions and let myself go. I don't know what I'm afraid of...hes the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I know he feels the same way. Its almost like I don't know how to react and I can't believe someone would find me attractive and want to do those things with me. We've been having sex now for more than a year and I used to be pretty reluctant to even approach him about it. I'm over that now, but now I'm at this new place where it gets so far then I don't know how to react.

This message is getting too long, so I'll spare you any more details. I know these questions will come up...so I'll just answer them now.

Sexual positions we've tried - missionary and doggie. I'm afraid to get on top because I feel like I'd look nasty - although he always says he thinks I'm beautiful

My looks - I'm 5'8", 165lbs, 36C, blonde hair, blue eyes. I exercise regularly and ear healthy.

Experience - I guess I'm not too experienced. I've slept with a handful of people...2 of whom I've had long relationships and 3 who were pretty much 1 night stands. It seems like I'm less reserved with the people I'm not close to and I can't figure out why. I feel much more confident when I've had a couple drinks, but I still worry about it.

I've never gave him oral sex, mostly because I've never done it and wouldn't know what to do! I know..thats sad! I'm 24 years old

I think theres great communication between us.He knows my fears and why I freeze up and I know when it bothers him. We talk openly about it.

I'm afraid that I'll push him away if I don't change and I REALLY WANT TO CHANGE..for the benefit of both of us.

I need to know how to get over my insecurities and how to lose my inhibitions. I realize this won't happen over night..but I'm willing to feel awkward the 1st few times.
I need to plan something special for him tonight and show him how much I love him. I want to be aggressive!

Any suggestions? Please help me out. If I left anything out, don't hesitate to ask...
Thanks so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: ashhm
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 2:13pm

What you have to do is dig inside of yourself and find out why you have the insecurities and inhibitions you have.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: ashhm
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:07pm

What are you thinking when you freak out? Can you figure out what feelings you are having?
You say that you do have sex but it never goes the way that you want it to. What way would you like it to go?

Maybe you can take it slowly piece by piece? Decide that the next time you have sex or get intimate that you will try one thing that you want to do. You say that you want to give him oral sex but don't know where to start. Try reading some of the posts here and you'll realise that short of clamping down with your teeth you can't do ANYTHING wrong! No doubt you've got a basic idea of what you do - you treat it like a lolly pop. You lick it, you suck the head, you swirl your tongue around the top and sides. You grip it with you hand and stroke it up and down and make sure there is plenty of saliva to make it slippery. Pretty easy really. Just those few basic things will feel really good and as you become more confident you can learn what combinations make him feel very good.

You say that you are willing to feel awkward the first few times. Well, doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING has got to feel less awkward that it is now and because you have talked about this with your guy he will be supportive and happy to help you out. Besides, EVERYONE feels awkward the first few times. We're not born knowing how to make love or how to perform these sex acts. It's something that everyone has to learn. And that's part of the beauty of a secure relationship - you CAN learn these things and you can enjoy learning them together.

What to do tonight? I'd suggest playing with him again, like last night. This time when you pull his penis out of his pants, go down close to it and have a good look at it as you are stroking it. Make a concious decision that you are only going to do this for a few minutes. When you feel ready, give it a light and gentle kiss. Have another look at it, feel the weight and strength and softeness of it in your hand. Give it another kiss. When you feel ready, put your wet lips over the first 1/2 inch of the head and suck for a moment. Try a slow gentle lick around the top. Get some saliva in your mouth, transfer it onto your finger tips and stroke up and down his penis with your now slippery thumb and forefingers. Watch his reaction. Continue with the licking and sucking if you feel comfortable for a couple of minutes then stop and continue on with somethingelse. If not comfortable, stop and move on to something else now.

Baby steps. That's all you need to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: ashhm
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:39pm

How about you stop thinking about what HE'S thinking? Why in the world would he think you're "nasty" looking when you're on top of him? If you think about it, you look better up there than you do flat on your back! Think about it! Your breasts flatten out and fall to the side....think how much better they look when you're sitting upright!

You want to be more agressive? I'd say what you did last night was plenty aggresive....and you got what you wanted....and erection. Why you'd then "freak out" is mystifying. By the way, there is NO correlation between penis size, and the size of his hand, his feet, his nose, or any other body part!

I think you need to work on your own self esteem. This man is with you, he's seen you at your worst I'm sure, and he didn't freak out, or think "nasty". Would you really want to be with someone who would "nit pick" your body, or anything on it? Like that has ANYTHING to do with love or feelings. Every woman alive has something about themselves that they don't like, but if they have a loving partner, they will feel good about themselves, and every part of themselves. I'm sure he's not perfect either, but do you dwell on whatever flaws he might have? Of course you don't. He's a "package deal", just like you are. When you care about someone, you take the whole package, including any flaws that might be there.

Westridge gave you a fantastic primer on oral....try it. Again, why would you be worried what he's thinking....because you KNOW he'll be loving every minute of it!

Stop thinking about yourself and your insecurities.....and start thinking about how he's enjoying being with you, and how wonderful everything he does feels to you. Sex isn't about what you look like, it's about how you feel, and how you make him feel.

Everyone has fears when they try something new. Whether it's sex, or riding a bike, or driving a car, or skydiving. BUT, if you really want to do those things, you put aside your fears, and force yourself to try. Eventually, you get so used to it that you'll laugh at yourself for ever having any kind of fear.

PS: Something just flashed thru my mind. Do you have a history of abuse or sexual abuse? If so, that can affect you greatly, and usually it takes professional help to get out of the "victim" mode, and back to healthy self esteem and sexuality. I hope it's not that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
In reply to: ashhm
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 8:12am

Last night was the most amazing night I've ever had!! Thanks to all of those who replied to my post. It was incredibly relieving to know that I wasn't absolutely crazy and that, to some extent, most women have had the same type of problems.

I took some time yesterday to review my relationships, past and present. And when I look back, I've never allowed myself to fully experience sex ~ because I was completely selfish and too caught up in the way I felt! As sad as that sounds.

So I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to let my insecurities rule my life. I'd put my fears and insecurities aside, not be as selfish as I've been in the past. I needed to show him how special he is to me.

So we talked about our relationship a little bit, watched some tv, he made me dinner. Then I told him that I made up a game that I wanted him to play. ~

I have a subscription to Cosmo, so I cut out any and every sex tip, thought, maneuver that I thought sounded appealing. Then I folded each of them up and put them into a bowl.He had no idea what I was talking about...so the expression on his face was pretty funny when I handed him the bowl. He picked 3 pieces of paper. I told him that we were going to do whatever was written on the paper. We read them together. Next thing you know, his pants were off! haha He wasn't wasting any time!

We moved into the bedroom, where I had a few candles lit. I straddled him and we kissed a lot. Then I started with the 1st piece of paper ~ a lenghty hand job, followed by a few tongue flicks. Not so bad, I must admit! So that went on for quite awhile and he was loving every minute of it, all with huge cheesey grin. Kissed some more then he tried to go for the gold, so to speak. I didn't let him because we still had 2 more pieces of paper to finish.

I'll spare you the details, but I overcame 2 of my fears and insecurities last night. A little oral sex for him, girl on top action and actually checking my inhibitions at the bedroom door.

Let me tell you - I feel SO MUCH BETTER and I know that he does too! He held me all through the night and the 1st thing he said when we woke up was, "Thanks for the amazing night. I loved it!" He was so sweet to me this morning before leaving for work. He kept saying how sexy I looked in his t-shirt, with my hair all a mess! haha Hugged and kissed me at least 5 times while trying to walk out the door. He said, "Aww baby..I already miss you!" He just wouldn't let me go.

So you know the 12 days of Christmas. I told him that we'd start now and he'd get to pick at least 2 pieces of paper out of the bowl. I think we still have a little over 20 pieces to go, so it'll all add up. Kinda like something to look forward to until Christmas day.

But thanks again to all who replied to my post. It was great to get feedback from women who actually know what they're talking about.

As for Greentea's question about abuse ~ I've never been sexually abused. But I think the lack of trust and believing that I'm allowed to be loved by a man comes from my dad. Long story made short - he cheated on my mom when I was little, moved in with another woman right away. Married her for 10 years, she cheated on him with a married man and my dad is now with a woman who cheated on her husband with my dad. All the while, he only calls/sees me when he needs to look like the typical All-American family!