need some real advice on open marraige

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
need some real advice on open marraige
5
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 6:38pm
My husband and I have been together for 11 yrs.- we have 2 kids (13 and 9). We have been in a "rut" for quite some time now, both emotionally and sexually. My husband has a friend at work (he's in the military)who has come over a few times. He is single, and 21 yrs. old. I was attracted to him almost from the beginning. I told my husband this- as I am always honest with him about everything. I asked my husband if I could "make out" with him. I know it's silly and immature but I figured that I had a school girl crush and I havent had a good make out in a long time. He said "yeah, if you call him up right now and ask him then I will let you", so I did, he said sure and we would the next time we saw each other. So, Friday night comes and we decide to go out. We never go out. We pick up other guy and the 3 of us head out. We went to a club and drank(which I don't usually do.) Long story short...I ended up making out with other guy, plus a woman, too. We had a great time, and obviously feeling uninhibited! We continued to fool around in the car on the way home. When we got home my husband and other guy said that they would let me do whatever I wanted with them. Well, unfortunatly I couldn't for 2 reasons...1st being poor body image( i wouldnt want to shock the poor guy) and 2nd because I think I like this kid. So, needless to say, nothing happened. Today, in talking things over with my husband we have come to the conclusion that maybe having a more open marraige may spice things up a little. I know that i love this feeling of having a "crush" and Im not doing anything behind his back and i would love to see him have the same feelings. For some reason I want him to gain some self confidence by persuing another woman. I got the number of the woman that I kissed. So, our question is how do we go about having an open marraige, what rules and guidelines work best, and is this a good idea? Anyone have any words of wisdom to share? Thanks, Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 9:36pm

I think that it's something that the two of you will have to sort out for yourselves - but regardless of what you do be sure to communicate, communicate and communicate. Humans and emotions and sex can turn into a terrible mess if you're not careful and you need to keep sight of what is most important to you in all of this - your husband should be first and foremost.

You've also gotten off to a confusing start. You've picked a young chap that you have feelings for. It's more than just sex for you. Where that will lead you noone knows but you have to be aware that jealousy and love and emotional feelings will make things more complicated for all of you.

You also need to have a think about what your husband wants out of all this, and where it might go in the future. In theory, he would have every right to invite another woman into the bedroom and it's not just a matter of what you would like or think might be fun. He may not want to do that now, but it could easily happen and he may not be interested in taking the woman that you chose. He might want to get his own especially since you're talking about a "crush". Would you really be OK with that? Him having a "crush" on another woman? An emotional connection with someone different than you? How could you stop a crush from turning to love? And where would that leave you?

It's one thing to have an open marriage but I think that the whole idea of letting yourselves have a "crush" on the third parties is playing with fire. That is the very thing that makes open relationships dangerous and you're intentionally looking at going there. Most couples agonise over making rules and guidelines to avoid this. Tread very carefully.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 1:07am

Before jumping into the world of open marriages both your husband and yourself need to do allot more discussing outside of the bedroom. There is allot the two of you need to agree to and understand befoe allowing it to happen. If you don't you will be on the course for disaster. The bare bones you need to discuss are boundries along with what option would work better, swinging or open marriage. You say that an open marriage might work better since you have body image issues but I do not understand how you arrived at it. If you were uncomfortable "going all of the way" with the other male there what makes you think it would be better if your husband was not there. From experience I think the pressure would be greater on body image and not less. Not to mention if things go South quickly your husband is not there to be your support. That is why I say you need to do allot more talking to get to the crux of the issue.

With that said I will get onto your question, how do you have an open marriage? There are two good website out there to help. Yahoo has an area devoted to open marriages in their Groups section and also swingersboard has a new section devoted to open marriages too. These two boards are places to ask questions of people in the lifestyle without getting SPAMMED, being exposed to allot of XXX images, and both are free of charge.

Well since it might be a bit before you get to them I can help you get started in the right direction. Open relationships are qualitatively different than swinging, even though they share allot of commonality. Both require a strong stable relationship where communication and trust are paramount. Communication must be to the point where the two of you can discuss absolutely anything without fear and trust must be to the point where you ask questions first before jumping to unfounded conclusions. Simply put both must occur where there is mutual agreement and boundries are strictly adhered. It cannot happen due to the fact you are looking to fix a marriage or looking to add some spice because it is missing. Any issue in the marriage will be brought to the surface from swinging or an open marriage so it is absolutely necessary to work through any outstanding issues before ventruing into the uncharted waters of multiple partner sex.

Swinging and open marriage differ in the act. Swinging is done with both present and done as a partner thing. From my experience swinging involves a couple exploring their sexuality together within an agreed boundry. Swinging is done for pleasure and enjoyment. Swinging quickly becomes complicated and the swinging relationship ususally ends when one of the members of a couple begins to fall for their play partner.

Whereas an open marriage has its own challenges and rules. An open marriage does have the option of forming secondary relationships with others or you can seek many one night / limited stands. That is something both you and your husband will have establish as a part of your boundries. Also you will probably find that you will attrack a secondary partner allot quicker than your husband. There is a double standard in open marriages. Women do not have much trouble finding a partner but men do. This is something the two of you will have to come to terms with and decided on how you will handle it. Another difference is that the act is between you and someone else and it does not involve the two you together. This difference, if not managed correctly, will allow to the marriage breaking apart because communication decreases and the fact certain issues are not discussed. Communication in an open relationship, in some respect, is more essential and more time consuming than in swinging.

What ever the two of you decide take it slowly and discuss it thoroghly. Make sure the two of you understand the boundries and make sure your communication remains intact. Also make sure that the to you spend special time together and still are connecting. Make sure you are not using this as a fix or substitution for an underlying issue. Most of all enjoy the special journey wherever it may lead you.

Edited 11/5/2006 1:09 am ET by smurfberry32

Edited 11/5/2006 1:12 am ET by smurfberry32

Edited 11/5/2006 1:15 am ET by smurfberry32




Edited 11/5/2006 1:16 am ET by smurfberry32
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 2:07am

You have problems in your marriage. You don't fix your marriage by bringing other people into it. You'll just have different problems. I think going into an open marriage will just be the beginning of the end for your marriage.

You've already got a crush on a kid, but you can't take it further because you have a body image problem? You're trying to fix your husband up with another woman, and how will you feel if he gets a "crush" on her.

You both need to work on the problems that you have NOW....don't add to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 1:45am

Sorry,

I know, just like abortion, it's not my body or emotions, but I think open marriages are a lack of morals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 10:16am
Hi, welcome to Let's Talk About Sex.