Needing some help
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Needing some help
| Sat, 03-05-2005 - 5:09am |
I am 23 and my long time boyfriend is 26. We have been together 8 yrs and have 2 beautiful children ages 4 yrs old and 9 months . For the past three years our sex life has been almost non-existant.Maybe once or twice a month (which isn't enough for me). He says he isn't interested in sex anymore because it is boring him. He would rather pleasure himself than be with me. He says he would be more interested in our sex life if we have a threesome with another woman.It would turn him on to see me with a woman. I want to satisfy him but I am just not interested in being with a woman and he knows that. I feel rejected. After 5 years of having sex six or more times a week to once or twice a month is really starting to get to me. I am even considering cheating on him because I am not being satisfied at home. When we do have sex it is amazing so I don't understand what the problem is. We have talked about it and he says he just isn't interested anymore.Anyone have any advice on what I should do to get him interested again?

Sorry, you can't MAKE a man interested, if he's not. What you have to do is find out WHY he's no longer interested. Usually, a problem in the bedroom is a symptom of other problems in the relationship, outside the bedroom. Are there financial problems? Is he under a lot of stress at work? Has he been cheating on you?
Bringing in a third person isn't going to fix those problems, nor is cheating on him. Finding the problem and fixing it, if that's possible, is the only way to make the relationship better. You do that by communicating. If he's bored.....find out WHY. You say the sex is great, when it happens. It may not be "great" for him. There are plenty of things you can do to spice things up other than bringing a stranger into your bed.
Sometimes it's better to just admit that the relationship is over, and move on. Your children would be better off with one happy parent than with two unhappy parents.
Good luck!
you indicated he said he would rather pleasure himself than be with you? If that means he is masturbating off by himself, tell him hat if he having sex, even masturbating, in secret he is cheating on you . Offer to join him and watch, find out whty it is better, is he using porn that gives him fantasies of sex that is ub=bnrealitic inreality for youm but extreme, and so regular sex is dull. That is one of the problems of porn, ry to get him to shre the masturbating with you if he has too so you can be with him at least, I think you need to get him back to realuity that you are married and that expending his sexual energy and giving you none is a terrible breach of your vows. Remanid that since you arent bisexual, maybe if he wants you to be with a women he should first be with a man in front of you. He has an unrealist belief that since woman woman is more acceprted that youd would be perfectly happy and not yewed by it, slap him side that head with a reminder you want to taste a woman about as muxh as he wants it in the ass.
Sorry, i actually got a bit mad becasue my wifes ex husband went donmw the porn and masturbation raod so far he started asking frieds over to watch porn and then tyring to get her to have sex with them while he watched and masturbated. she was really hurt when she discoivered he no longer enjoyed having sex with her as much as with his hand.
Your man is doint that, and it is becasue he can control exacty when to cum, and when he is then with you uit seems he cant and its not good. But it is possible that he just doenst realise he has to retrain himself. I know from exoperience, I was single for a long time and skilled at pleasing myself. It took a few days only thiugh to relearn to control myself with my wife, and once backm in shape no masturbation is as good as your lover.
If he is too much into porn, you may eed to look up some resources on porn addictin to get his attention to its reality. Does he really want the rest of his life to be sex with his hand lookin at pictures, and if you getting his attention, try to find something erotic that you can share together. There are some things that we have done for kicks that turned out not just fun be oh lal al. Bondage was a real eye opener, especially since my wife pushed my pain limit to the edge, and then showed me that men really did get a lot of pleasure from being penetrated in the rear. but I wish you luck because the pron is bad enough, there are probably reasons he went that way to begin with you ]need to address to.
Sounds like he's withholding sex to get what he wants....a threesome. Withholding sex and trying to pressure you to compromise your standards for selfish reasons are not the actions of a loving partner. He's telling you that you aren't enough and you feel rejected because he IS rejecting you. He's only thinking of himself and his needs. The threesome might be a quick fix for him but it's not likely that it would solve the problems between you.
IF he's unwilling to work WITH you to solve his sexual issues, then you might consider counseling together. But cheating or complying with his request for a threesome will only exacerbate the already serious problems between you.
Sit down with him and TELL him that you're willing to work with him to spice up your sex life but that doesn't mean you'll be allowing another woman in the bed. If he continues to refuse to work with you, you may have some serious decisions to make for yourself and your children. Life is just too short and precious to live with someone who doesn't make you a priority in his life.
My heart goes out to you. But at least you have it one better than I did - your man is saying "it's boring". All mine said was "not tonight". For five years nothing was wrong according to him. We had 12 years of marriage and 13 years of wonderful sex. To this day I still don't know why we dwindled to once a year (for three years). It finally killed everything phyiscal about us and that's when I left (which I figure was 4 years too long.
1) IMO if at age 26 he's saying it's boring there's other stuff going on that he's not saying. Something, somewhere is bothering him. (mine was close to 50 and had two bypasses when our sex life nose-dived) Have you brought up counseling?
2) Cheating will not help you - it will only confuse and hurt you. I so wanted that route but knew I couldn't emotional deal with it. So I didn't - I left him instead. My girlfriend did go that route only find out that she had a wonderful man by her side (even though he didn't want sex as much as she did). On a daily basis she hears from two of her "encounters" (through work/email) and it's very hard for her not to "go there".
3) I have friends whose marriage broke-up because she gave into his wish to add a female. Afterwards, he claimed she enjoyed the female too much and it made him feel inadequate and he left her.
4) The pain you are feeling is real. IMO there is nothing worse than sleeping, sitting and eating next to a person who won't touch you. The rejection of reaching out for a simple hug and having your arm pulled down/away is real. If he won't go into counseling with you then give yourself a huge gift and join a woman's group somewhere. My city had a female drug treatment center that offered self-esteem and co-dependent classes free to all women. No, I am not a drug user - but I wasn't ready for one-to-one counseling either. Those classes gave me the strength to go into self-counseling. I spent the last two years of my marriage planning on getting out of it.
5) When the sex dropped to once a quarter, I spent about two years trying to get him interested. I became the perfect mother; then I changed and became the perfect wife. Then I got smart and got into me. Nothing made any diffence for him, through it all "nothing was wrong". He even said I was stupid for leaving him because "nothing was wrong".
I wish you well!