NEVER made me reach my orgasm....Advice?
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| Tue, 07-12-2005 - 1:08pm |
I've been with my gf for a while and we are both are virgins. We've done everything except anal and vaginal penetration but I have no complaints about our sexual activity except that I wish it would happen more often.
The thing is that she has never made me reach an orgasm. I remember the first time she touched me sexually it was with a handjob. It felt amazing to say the least, but I didn't come after a good 45-50 min of going at it. Then she started giving me oral some time afer that on a different occasion but again, I never came from that either. She always starts playing with me or going down, and then I just finish myself when she gets tired. For a long time now, after all the foreplay and the giving recieving oral for a few minutes is over and we're ready to both reach our orgasms we do the same thing (still no complaints though!). What I do is lay on my back and masturbate while she basically sits on my face and I have come to the point where I can control my orgams and about 95% of the times, we orgasm at the same time which is great.
What I have been thinking about for a little while is that what is going to happen when we do have sex? Will I be able to reach an orgasm through vaginal penetration even though handjobs and oral sex haven't worked?
jerz

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Jerz, your orgasm is up to you to have and hers is up to her to have.
Thanks for the advice. I turned 21 today and this Sunday we are getting a nice hotel room to spend the entire day together. We've been anticipating this day for a while now and I'll try those things you mentioned. I can't wait for the day to come where she can cause me to reach my orgasm.
jerz
I'm going to repeat what Tish said.......because you didn't get it! You can wait until you're 100 years old, and she will NEVER cause you to reach your orgasm, or make you reach it. That is entirely up to YOU!
What's going on here is again what Tish said....you've got yourself so trained to masturbate exactly the way you need to, that nothing else is going to work for you until you "untrain" yourself. It sounds like she's giving it her best effort, manually and orally.....but it's not working for you. Are you directing her? Are you telling her "faster" or "slower" or "harder"? Are you showing her what works for you so that she can try to do it that way?
Your orgasms are up to you, NOT her. You have to learn to relax and allow them to happen with her. Women have to to the same thing. It's a matter of relaxation, and just going with the pleasure until it happens. It will NOT work if all you're doing is concentrating on making it happen. That's because you're not allowing yourself to enjoy the pleasure that she's giving you.
What you need to look forward to is NOT the day she causes you to have an orgasm, but the day you learn HOW to have one with her. YOu might want to hold BACK on the masturbation for a few days before you have sex.....that would probably help.
If you can get rid of the hangups you have now, when you finally go for intercourse, it will be fine.....AND if it's not....then you work on THAT. Just the fact that you're worried about it will make it not happen. DON'T worry about it......and allow it to happen when the time comes.
A few things
First, we're not having sex, (too young and focused for that) I was just thinking about the day a LONG time from now when it happens. So I am not worried about anything, I'm actually worry free and sure everthing will be ok. I was just curious as to what people might say about my situation.
Secondly, I have given her direction numerous times in the past but to no avail. I guess I can say that I have come to accept the fact that I will not be having an orgasm while we have our fun.
>>That's because you're not allowing yourself to enjoy the pleasure that she's giving you.<<
Thirdly, you're completely incorrect with that statement. If you were playing basketball, its like you were at the free throw line and you shot an air ball, not even close. It would be an enormous understatement to say that I don't enjoy the pleasure that she gives me. So I have no idea where that came from. Just because I don't have an orgasm doesn't mean I don't enjoy it.
But the thing that I agree with you on completely is the fact that I have trained myself to masturbate a certain way that right now, if it isn't done, I will not climax. I do have to work on that and I do have to "untrain" myself. Easier said than done, but I will try and I know that one day it will happen.
I guess I should have went about asking advice a different way. I should have asked for advice on how to "untrain" myself from the way I have been masturbating so that I can orgasm when with my gf.
thank you for your comments,
jerz
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My Dear, you ARE having sex though. Just not intercourse, so that makes you both technical virgins but not in the truest sense of the word. And anal sex isn't something that a man should expect from a partner either. Not every woman is into or enjoys anal penetration.
But my suggestion is to stop masturbating altogether. Save your time with her as your only outlet and that will speed up your ability to learn to respond. Continuing to masturbate so specifically is only exacerbating the problem though. She will never be able to help you get to orgasm if what you're doing is so specific. Any unresolved sexual energy you may have will be taken care of by nocturnal emission.
AFTER learning to orgasm with her, then begin masturbating again using the stop and start method which is often recommended by urologists and sex therapists. Men need to learn to masturbate in a way that will benefit themselves and their partner. Stimulate yourself almost to orgasm but stop. Begin the stimulation again to a crescendo and then stop again. You may only be ablet to do this once or twice starting out but over time, you'll begin to recognize your arousal pattern and gain control over your orgasm. This will also benefit you during intercourse, etc.
The time to start is now though.
Edited 7/13/2005 11:37 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
OK I just want to clear something up. When I have said sex for my entire lifetime I have always assumed that it meant penis into the vagina, plain and simple. Now it's like I cannot even talk that way anymore and I have to be so specific with my words. It just bothers me because I know we are having other forms of sex but I thought that it was obvious to all that when I said that me and my gf are virgins and will not be having sex anytime soon I assumed that everyone knew that I meant vaginal sex.
From now on when I talk about this do I have to say.....Me and my gf did not have vaginal intercourse but we did engage in another form of sex, mainly oral stimulation. I don't see the need to be so specific when it should be assumed that everyone in these boards knows that there are many forms of sex but when somebody says I had sex, it means vaginal. And when it doesn't mean vaginal, I personally always make it clear by saying for example, oral sex or handjob.
It's like if my friend told me that she just had sex with her boyfriend on the weekend. What am I going to think? Hmmmm will I think that they had oral sex? Did she give him a handjob? Did he finger her? NO, I will assume that his penis went into her vagina unless she tells me otherwise, plain and simple. That's my point.
jerz
i run,
Don't worry about getting corrected about the term "sex". You came here to get help for a problem and a couple of people wanted to clarify what you said. If you know you are having a form of sex, that's all that matters.
You did get good advice though about needing to relax and clear your mind. In my dating days, there were a number of times when I had a hard time reaching orgasm through oral or a hand job. This is a new sensation and your penis is still dealing with be able to orgasm through this new sensation.
When you masturbate, your hand automatically knows what to do when you are getting close. You don't think about it or tell your hand what to do. You mind totally relaxes. After a while, the same will happen with oral and with a hand job. Continue telling her what feels good. With experience for both you and her, it will happen. You will learn to relax, let your mind go blank, and tell her what feels good at the right time; she will start realizing what gets you close by both your words and your body movements. It just takes time and practice.
You will get there. Remember, you have the next 50 years to perfect this new sensation. Don't worry if it takes a few weeks to get it right.
I never seriously thought about refraining from masturbating for a good 3-5 days or longer and then have her do what she did before to see if it will work better. But at the same time, it's very difficult for me to find out when is the next time we will be intimate with each other.
For example, I will ask her to come over, or to go get a hotel room for a day. At first, she's game and it's going to happen. But then either we don't go or do anything all together, or she will come over but when I start something she says no so then I stop. Just a couple of weeks ago we planned on going to a hotel this Sunday. She just called me earlier today telling me that she wants to go to the beach on Sunday. I asked, what about the hotel? She said she'll try to get off work and go Friday but no guarantees. That's a big reason why I handle my own business a good once or twice a day because she almost never does anything with me in the first place. She's no where near as sexual as I am. On the other hand, I love her a lot and the sexual aspect of our relationship is a small one, so I kind of got used to the fact that we are not intimate very often.
Before I finish I have to say that this is not a big problem in our relationship. I don't want anybody to say that this is really serious or anything like that. To be honest I do get sexually frustrated but it doesn't last long, I get over it. When I can, I just masturbate to release the tension that was built up. She realizes that I get frustrated and she calls me (more often recently) to have phone sex which I love.
jerz
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