new and need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
new and need help
8
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 8:33pm

My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter and we recently got married.

Here is our issue, When I was in highschool and until i meant my husband, I slept around alot! and Before starting to date DH I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let a relationship turn into only sex, being that how it had been for far to long! so we didn't have sex for some months after dating, and it's been kinda off and on for the last 4 years, but it got worst when I had our daughter~I'm don't want anymore kids but I too scared to have one of fixed in case something would happen or change my mind~ I'm on bc patch and we use a comdom for this reason, we both have gain some weight, him more than me and since then and all the craziness from having a baby, he just doesn't do it for me. he is one of them type of people that if you tell that some thing you see wrong with them comes back with 2-3 things wrong with you. so i can't express the change needed for his weight, all i can do is try my hardest to lose weight and show him how good i can look and hope he wiil do the same.

i don't want to have sex with him it's the last thing on my mind and i need advise on how to make changes. becuz this is truly hurting our relationship.... and i don't think that where we need to be.. help if you can. thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 9:18pm
Well if it's just his weight that's bothering you, that should be easy enough to fix.
I assume you do alot of the cooking; Change how and what you cook. There are alot of things you can cook and how you cook them, unless he's right there watching he'll never know the difference.
Also you said you have a little girl, start taking her for walks in the evening and ask him to join you. Don't mention you're doing any of this to lose weight or for him to lose weight.
I wish you luck!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 9:37pm
see that is the problem i don't cook alot, and he eats in the middle of the night or will eat alot at lunch at work. so i can't get that angle on him either, i have tried to get rid of the junk. i quit drink pop and unless someone is invited over i don't buy it either. I don't know what to do, but show him how great i can look and hope he will want to change. i need to know what to do about the sex issue, is there some kind a pill to make me what to have sex, i don't even think about it but like once a month but that's it. i have no desirer to do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 9:41pm
I wonder if the BC patch could have anything to do with it.
I suggest you visit the BC board and ask there, I know from first hand experience that BC pills and kill a sex drive, but I have never been on the patch.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 10:28pm

Hi and welcome. I have to agree with everything kenden has said. About the BC patch, have you talked to your gyno about it? Maybe you can try something else.

As for dieting, take care of yourself first and foremost. Maybe once he see's you losing weight and looking good, he may want to do something. Suggesting going for a nightly walk sounds like a good idea. it will get you all out together as a family and exercising. Eat healthier, lots of fruits and veggies. Try to cook more meals (healthy) so he doesn't eat out or at night so much.




Edited 5/19/2007 10:29 pm ET by nhgal2006



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 1:26am

There's a lot more going on here than weight. If you love someone, you don't just stop "wanting" them because they gain weight. You also need to learn how to communicate. You don't tell him what's wrong with HIM, you tell him how YOU feel. About his weight, you tell him that it worries you because you care about him and want him to be healthy.....you don't criticize him for being fat.

You're also afraid of getting pregnant again. The patch AND condoms....that's not really necessary, it's overkill. Fear of pregnancy will turn you off to sex.

You two need to learn to communicate with each other on many levels. If you can't, your marriage will never be happy or satisfying. Maybe the two of you need some marriage counselling......to get at the REAL roots of the problem. Many times problems in the bedroom are just a symptom of other problems outside the bedroom. Work on the marriage, and the sex will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 6:29am

I agree with sakura! When you truly love someone looks want change it.
BC could be hurting you. I haven't heard anything good about that patch.
It has felled for a lot of my friends. Not trying to scare you but I think
you should look at other alternatives I used the Depo shot it worked great
we never used condoms with it. It can make you gain weight but as long as
your eating healthy it shouldn't cause extra weight gain. Change the BC
and then see how you feel about sex. If you are disgusted with him then
the sex want change it will only get worse.
Remember looks are just apart of a person they are not the most important part of him his heart is!!!!
He might also be going threw a depression and that's why he doesn't
care about his weight or he could be stressed and over worked stress
can cause weight gain and several other problems you should talk to him
about how he feels with out mentioning his weight.

Kareese

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 6:32am

Hi Sakura,

I just wanted to say that you give great advice
and I find my self agreeing with many of your posts.

Keep up the good work!
Kareese

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 10:26am

Welcome to the board linds3307.

It sounds like you have a lot of things going on all at once here. Mostly, you are trying to figure out why your sex life is suffering, and looking for things that might be causing it. Making changes, one at a time, will help you to pinpoint the problem so that you can address any other issues you might have in a healthy manner.

-The demands of a 1 1/2 yo can be very draining. Having your energy zapped can kill your libido. Do you get any time to not be a mom? Having time to be a woman and not a mom can help you look and feel sexy, not to mention rejuvenate your energy.

-Hormonal birth control can kill your libido. Talking to your gyn (or even a primary care physician) about your decreased sex drive will allow him/her to look at your total health and any role that might play into it -- including the possible side effects of medications that you take.

-Being afraid of pregnancy can make you sub-consciously avoid sex altogether. If you are on the patch, you really don't need to also use a condom.

-Dieting can affect your sex drive. You are very conscious of your weight (and the weight of your DH), which can occupy your mind with "unsexy" thoughts.

-Having body issues with yourself or your mate can put strain on your confidence in the bedroom. This will also affect your libido.

-Your mental health has a HUGE affect on your libido. If you are overwhelmed being a mom, worrying about becoming pregnant, stressing over your weight, unsure how to talk to your mate, having concerns about your marriage, etc. -- all of those things are easy to tackle one-on-one. But, if you are experiencing all of them at one time, you will often stand and spin in circles not knowing how to battle the first one. Talk to your doctor about the stress in your life (when you are also addressing your BC issues), and give him/her the opportunity to make any recommendations. You might be having problems with anxiety or depression.

-See if you can get your DH to visit a doctor too. If you are concerned about his overall health, stress level, etc., a check-up might be in order for him too.

Right now, you are having problems with your libido, for whatever reason. If you let that go without addressing the issues, then you run the risk of having new and different problems within your relationship. If your DH starts to feel that you don't desire him, then that can lead to performance problems for him too.

As far as not being able to point out his "flaws" -- a lot of people are like that. I agree that if he gains some weight, that should not affect your desire for him. One day he might go bald, will surely gray, may loose his posture, etc. Aging plays games with us that we can't control, and those that have the right kind of relationship are more or less blind to the changes that occur. You will (should) mature together as a couple.

As others have mentioned, you can help address his weight with menu planning and cooking as well as family exercise. If there are no left overs or unhealthy food choices, then eating in the middle of the night won't be a problem for him. There are many ways that you can approach this as a healthy life style for your "family".

-You want to set good examples for your daughter and have her learn to eat healthy.

-You want to loose weight and think it will be helpful if the two of you work together or challenge each other. (DH and I often have "contest" when it comes to loosing weight.)

-Tell him you are concerned about his health -- look for opportunities where his health IS causing a problem. Does he get out of breath when he does yard work? Is the stress at work affecting his sleep habits? Is he often complaining of being tired? If things like that happen, you can use those as opportunities to bring up possible health issues. That way, you are not attacking him, you are showing concern. Recommend that he see a doctor, loose weight, eat healthy, whatever the case may be, that is appropriate for the "problem" that has come to light. Healthy people deal with stress better, sleep better, and have more energy in general.

Like I said earlier, you really need (for your own health) to address things one at a time. I recommend addressing the things that you can change first -- those are things about you. With each issue that gets addressed, you can re-evaluate the importance of the other issues.

Good luck, and keep us posted.



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