New To This Board, With Questions!
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| Tue, 05-27-2008 - 11:44am |
Hello Ladies, My name is Robyn, and my fiances name is Beau. I usually hang out on the bridal boards, but this caught my attention. You can never really talk freely about sex anywhere, even with your best friends. So again, I'm glad I found this site. I've got a few things on my mind, that I can't discuss with anyone.
I guess my main problem is that my sex drive is very low. This could be for a number of reasons. I have a muscle disease called fibromyalgia. It was set on by a serous car accident. I have a slew of other problems as well, restless leg syndrome, a hip disorder, nerve damage, and some bulging disks, and fractures. For those of you who don't know what Fibromyalgia is, it is basically a chronic pain disorder, that has no cure. It can be compared MS, but it is not life threatening, nor is it as serious, but the symtoms are similar.
Because of my condition, I take a lot of medication. I think that may be the problem, but I cannot go off them. My fiance wants more sex, I know he does. He rarely brings it up, God bless him. Also, when I could have sex, sometimes, I hurt! It's just a hard situation. I want a sex life! I want some sex drive back! In addition to the medication issue, I recently gained 20 pounds. So, I know that self image is playing into this as well.
It's basically like I never want to have sex! I shouldn't say never, but rarely. It's not him at all, it's me. Any advice would be appreciated! I've never told anyone these things. I'm really glad I found this board, you guys all seem very open. Thank you all so much for having a place for me to post these questions. I'm looking forward to meeting you all!
Hugs! *Miss Robyn*

Hi Robyn!
Hi Robyn! My wife also has fibro and I am a very sexual man. It was unsettling to me at first as I was used to being able to touch, squeeze and caress to my heart's content.
Over time, with her guidance and by learning about fibromyalgia, I learned to avoid those places that were chronically painful and to recognize when my touch was causing her more pain than pleasure.
She too has a lower physical desire for sex than me yet yearns for the intimacy and connection that sex provides. She also feels a measure of guilt for not being able to satisfy my sexual desires as much as she thinks she should. In spite of this we found ways to enjoy sexuality to the fullest measure possible.
First, her desire for sex and her ability to enjoy it without pain ebbs and flows. Some days the fibro bothers her little and she lets me know that she wants me. Those are the days we play like there's no tomorrow.
At other times she is in great pain and sex is the last thing on her mind so I take care matters into my own hands, so to speak, in front of her. Though she can't satisfy me with her body she uses her eyes, her voice, and her touch to encourage me. She gets a great deal of satisfaction from being there with me, in being a part of it, and I love her all the more for allowing me to be free, uninhibited, and sexual with her.
And there are nights when the most satisfying thing for both of us is for me to gently massage her, letting her know with my voice and my hands that I love her with all my heart and wish more than anything to ease her pain.
In this way we validate and celebrate our sexuality and maintain physical closeness. And even more importantly we are telling each other we understand and accept the other as we are.
It takes time for a couple to find what works for them, each of us is different. But the key is to make the best of it and never, ever feel guilty for something you have no control over.
Give him what you can, when you can, and teach him how to give to you and you may find that fibro makes things different but it doesn't stop you from loving each other and from feeling complete.
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Welcome to the board, Robyn.
I'm sorry to hear about your accident and the physical results it has had on you. It's great that you're looking into ways to improve your sex life, and I'm sure Mr. Beau will appreciate it too. Just don't be too hard on yourself. He's aware of the problems you have, and is still in love -- still going to be in love with you! There are many ways to nurture a loving relationship, and while you do have some challenges, the extra effort is in affect one of the ways you are nurturing that relationship.
Keep your lines of communication open with your guy. That way, he knows how you're feeling. You can avoid a lot of frustration this way, and you might find some things that you can enjoy together besides intercourse. So much intimacy can be shared through other acts, inside and outside of the bedroom. As another member mentioned, having sex releases endorphines that can make you feel better ... they can also work to increase your libido. Making an effort (when physically possible) to be intimate even if you're not in the mood can work to increase your libido. Studies show the more sex a person has, the more sex that same person wants to have.
As you already know, the medications can be affecting your libido. The doctor may be able to either adjust the meds you're on, or add meds that will assist with your libido. It's certainly worth mentioning.
There are some members here with varying physical struggles that they face with their partners. You're more than welcome to join in any of the conversations or post questions that you would like some help with. There are also some boards that are more focused to fibro and pain issues that you might find helpful:
Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhfibro
Pain Issues Support
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhpainissues
Are you and your partner open to using sex toys? If he's willing to control the toy, you may be able to experience a great deal of pleasure without the physical strain of intercourse. Most men derive a great deal of pleasure watching their SO, or masturbating themselves while their SO is using a toy. Of course, if you're up to it, you could provide oral or manual stimulation for him -- or use a toy made for use on men.
You mentioned worrying about the 20 lbs. Since confidence is a huge turn-on, you definitely need to try and let that go. Your guy loves you as you are .... so let him see how sexy you can be! A key to great sex for most guys is believing that their partner wants to be intimate with them. Adding sexy lingerie, dirty talk, or finding ways to tease him will let him know that. Also, experiment with different positions that might make things more possible for you.
Are you keeping up with any sort of exercise for strength and flexibility? From what I've read on fibro, exercising can actually lessen the symptoms for some.
Edited 5/27/2008 1:56 pm ET by cl-misty_mae
Welcome to the board, Robyn! I know where you're coming from. I've had fibromylagia for the past 12 years. I also have IBS, diverticulosis and hypothyroidism. I'm not on any medications for any illnesses (I haven't been on any meds for my fibro in 7 years). But I am taking thyroid replacement, which my body absolutely needs. I guess I got tired of trying one drug after another for my fibro and not really getting anything that helped, so I said to heck with all that. Now I just live with it. I've got good days and bad days.
I would imagine that the meds you are on can mess up your libido, especially if you're on certain anti-depressants. Have you been the fibro board here on iVillage? That's a really good board and it has some really helpful people. The women there are on a variety of meds and I'm sure they could help you out by telling you what they have tried. Right now I have no libido due to my hypothyroidism and I'm on lubricants, which I've never had to use before. I have to force myself to have sex with my Master and I have never been that way in the almost 9 years that W/we've been together. There is someone else in the bed with Him, cause it sure ain't me, KWIM? I don't feel like His sub, His wife, because I never want sex and I hate this!
My GP sent me to my GYN, because he thought all my symptoms meant that I was heading towards menopause, even though I knew it was my thyroid. And my GYN agreed, so he put me on thyroid replacement. I went back to him today and he was concerned that my symptoms weren't changed that much, so now he's sending me to an endocrinologist. So now I'll have to talk to him about my lack of libido.
You might need your meds changed or readjusted. Go back to your doctor and talk to him/her about your concerns. Just because you have fibro (or any other illness) doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't have a good sex life. We're always hearing about how sex keeps us healthy. So head back to the doctor and get your meds straightened out. Good luck!
Ok, I know this is form May... I stink at checking my emails, however, I usually look for ivillage posts. I just want you to know that your words helped me, especially today. I am having a horrible week actually. Maybe I didn't find this post until now for a reason. I would like to pick your brain a little if you are still around?
My fiance, Beau, has a hard time understanding what Fibro is. I also have underlying conditions, but he has a very hard time understanding, not just sexually, I mean in general, how did you get through this? He sometimes doesn't understand that I'm to weak, or sore for simple house work. He never gets angry, or shows his frustration, God bless him. Although, it will sometimes come up later. I don't know what to do to help him understand. He was not with me when my car accident happened. That's how it all started, I had fractures, nerve damage, buldging disks, and then they found later that I had trauma induced fbro. I think that is part of the problem, because I was a lot worse off, and I've come a long way, but he can't see that.
Your wife is lucky to have you. My fiance and I have improved our sex life, but, he doesn't really get that even a day of light house work, is exahusting, and I'm not in the mood. I will take your notes to heart, for sure!
If you have any advice on how I can help him understand my condition, it would be apprciated. Thank you for your honesty, and I'm sorry I never wrote back. I hope your still out there! Thank you for the support!
* Robyn *
Hi Robyn! I'm still here, still alive and kicking.
It's hard for one who doesn't suffer from fibro to completely grasp just how debilitating the disease is. I might suggest that you give your fiancé this link:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-bhfibro&nav=start
I think that after a short time he will begin to realize just how much courage and effort it takes for a person to live with fibromyalgia. I know I did.
Something else to consider...my current wife is not my first. Prior to meeting her I was married to a wonderful woman who died from Mesothelioma. After her passing I found my greatest pain came from what I did not do for her, the regret I felt was overwhelming. I'd watch the video from our wedding, see myself walking by her without so much as a glance let alone touching her and telling her how I loved her...and I'd think of what a damn fool I was for allowing even a moment to go by without giving her everything I could at that moment.
Living and loving someone who suffers from any limiting condition is tough, but it is also rife with the possibility of giving love, comfort and support, of showing just how deep love can be, his love can be. Should he lose you for any reason he too would be wracked with regret for time lost, for love not shown.
Now is his time, now is when he can teach himself about what you face everyday, now is when he can reach down deep inside and find the love he has for you and give it to you. By understanding, by compassionate empathy, by taking what he has for you and you for him and making it the best he can.
He is in the position of being the strong one much, if not most of the time. You need his strength, his understanding and support. He, if he chooses to recognize it, is blessed with being able to give to you in ways most men never will.
If he understands that sexuality is more than the act of a man and a woman physically making love then he has the solution to satisfying his needs. That just because you may not be up to making love to him, with him, does not mean that he needs to go without release, without sensuality.
At those times you just cannot share physical love with him then encourage him, show him your beauty, encourage him to take care of himself, in front of you, with you.
Make a game. Give him an IOU for a playtime for when you are feeling better, a time of his choosing. Encourage him to come up with ideas, things he wants to do, maybe things he has never done.
And pace yourself. My wife is a gardener, she tends to spend hours taking care of her roses and frequently goes beyond what she is capable of doing. I make her take frequent breaks, to do just a little at a time rather than doing everything at once.
Bottom line, you both need to take care of yourselves and each other. Yours is a partnership that will constantly remind you of what you mean to each other, it won't be one where you both go through the days doing your own thing, forgetting to tend to the wants and needs of the other, for the fibro and his emotional needs will bring you back to just how much you care for and need each other.
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