new here and curious

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
new here and curious
8
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 11:06pm
hi. this is my first time here and not quite sure what is okay to ask and not so i will just start with the easy things. Basically I am ready for sex all the time. My husband who is awesome in bed is just not quite as active as i would like. I love him to death and we have four small children who I would never want to hurt but i am getting a litttle desperate. I'm so tired of being the one to ask. I just feel as if it would be wonderful to have someone really excited to have sex with me. I just find myself thinking this problem could be solved if i just had a little on the side. I know this could ruin my family so just looking for some advice or encouragement. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:50am

A "little on the side" isn't going to solve anything, and you know that. Can't you talk to your husband about it? How hard can it be to tell the man you love how you feel?

Just sit him down OUT of the bedroom and tell him that you get tired of always being the one to initiate sex, and that you'd like to feel that sometimes HE wants you. Unless he's an unfeeling selfish clod, he should be able to understand that! A successful marriage needs to have open communication, and as you know, when one of you has something festering inside, it has to come out........either in a friendly conversation, or in a way that will devastate your marriage.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. There should be some kind of compromise so that you're both happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 6:51am
I agree with Dakine.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:14am
I know that it would just ruin our family and that is why i am here. I have repeatedly Asked my husband to not let me be the only one asking for it. Of course he will then ask within the next couple of days and he almost always says yes when i ask. The part i can't seem to figur out and he says he isn't sure either is after a month of change he goes back to normal and if i kept quiet he would go for a month without needing to. we have talked about this and he says sorry he does want to and then the cycle starts again.i know i'm whining but i just feel we should both be satisfied. We use to be opposite with him asking all the time so i tried harder and loved it!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:31am

The "little on the side" you mentioned could be self stimulation though. If you have some special toys, etc. that you can take care of yourself with, you might not feel so deprived.

There is no need to bring another man into the picture though.
How would you feel if your DH decided to do the same to spice things up?

My DH has nearly always had a lower sex drive than I have and we've managed to find a satisfying compromise for the last 30 yrs. It can be done. Just be realistic in your expectations of your spouse. No person can be there to cater to your every need 24-7.

Set a sex schedule together. For instance, Monday and Tuesdays, you initiate, Thursdays and Fridays, he does. Once you've done this for 30 days, it will become habit and you won't have to remind him anymore.




Edited 3/30/2006 10:48 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:30pm
thanks! that actually is a little differnt than we have tried so I have hope that could actually work. Is this how you guys came up with a compromise? I will bring this up tonight with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 1:07pm
Give him a gift - give him a coupon for sex, oral or what ever you want to want to do to him. Now put on the coupon, that if this is not use in 7 days, he forfeits the coupon to you and you get to use the coupon on demand. Hopefully, he will not forfeit the coupon and he starts things - now once you get the coupon back, it is your to use then again his to use. Gives him the trigger to initiate. Just an idea.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 2:24pm

"Is this how you guys came up with a compromise?"

Not in the beginning but we finally figured that it was best for me to KNOW when I would be having sex rather than just leaving it to chance. OR approaching my DH when I was in the mood and being turned down. That just led to frustration and resentment.

Scheduling sex may not seem very spontaneous or sexy at first but if you think about it, most couples think about, plan and schedule sex BEFORE marriage or children. It builds anticipation. And with 4 kids, you NEED to schedule all the important things in your life, right?

Get some heart stickers, and use them to mark your LOVEMAKING days. Make it fun.




Edited 3/30/2006 3:29 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 11:18am

Hi Ladies:

(from a guy's point of view)

1-Talk it out. A good lover will want to please his partner.
2-Early in my marriage, I was NOT attending to my wife (carreer presures, etc). My wife, Gail, started holding my hand/arm while walking in the mall, etc.. Gail made sure that we kept in physical TOUCH with each other. Gail also enjoys SENSUAL MASSAGE. One night, she placed a mat/blanket on the TV room floor and put out the massage oil. She said "we are going to try something new." PRIOR to lovemaking, Gail TAUGHT me what pleased her concerning ORAL AND MANUAL SEX.

Mac