New here and want opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
New here and want opinions
31
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:32pm

I am new to this board and wanted some insight from women about an upcoming exciting getaway for my wife and I. We are finally getting away for a night to a nice place-hot tub in the room, nice and romantic. Obviously, we will have sex during our stay. My question is, without going into a ton of detail, how should I proceed. My wife and I have been making GREAT progress with our sexlife in general over the past couple of years-been married over 15 years. Used to average about 1-2x a month, now up to 4-5x a month. Now, the wife is somewhat inhibited so it is typically very vanilla sex and honestly, that is fine by me. I would love for her to give me more oral-probably have received 2x thus far this calendar year. She allows me to give to her more frequently but not as often as I would like. But, like I say, I can live with her not giving me bj's if we have sex more often. I would love to get our amount to about twice a week and it seems we are getting closer to that mark-so, much praise to my wife because she has a much lower libido than do I so I feel she is really making an effort.

Ok, so there is a little background. My question is, knowing that she has a lower libido than mine and knowing we are only at this romantic place ONE night, how aggressive should I be for sex. Meaning, should I try for it the instant we enter the room, should I play it cool and let her tell me when she is ready? I just want it to go REALLY well and also want to maximize the amount of sex we can have without her thinking the only thing I want our of her during the one day/night escape is sex. Now, don't get me wrong, I would love nothing better than than to have a f***fest where we don't leave the room and just go at it for hours. But, knowing that during our nearly 20 years together we have NEVER had one, I certainly don't expect anything like that to happen. I just want us to enjoy each other and have a great time and hopefully have some great sex. But, I guess I just don't want to seem to aggressive, too pushy etc if you know what I mean.

This might sound like a stupid post or whatever but I really just want to get some opinions on how much is too much sex on a one night stay. Probably arrive at 3P one day and leave at 1P the next day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 7:14am

Welcome to the board sugarplum, and thanks for joining in.

I think the advice you gave is great! I agree that she is aware about what this overnighter is about, and it's a good idea to keep the mood going.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 8:11am

Thanks to all of you that have responded, sugarplumbeauty, I really think you gave some great input. I feel certain my wife knows we will have sex and is not opposed to it at all. I just hope we can really connect and take that connection home. I am very excited about getting away but I want to be able to bring this home with us-not just have to getaway to feel it. My wife seems excited about this trip and so I am thinking it will be great. I really am going to try to wipe my head clean of any expectations and just go with it, relax and enjoy. Like I said in my orginal post, our sex life used to be really bad-1 or 2x a month if that, always me on top etc. Since our family is now complete, I have been fixed etc, we are up to maybe 4-5x on average a month. I would like more but considering how low her drive was before, I really do think she is making such a great effort, it is hard for me not to be excited about our future years. She has always had a much lower drive-even in our early years but I have see so much potential in her that I am really excited. Now if I could just get her to like giving oral more than 2-3x a year, I would be on cloud 9. I LOVE giving to her and do so 2-3x a month but she really seems to dislike giving and many times refuses to let me give even when I am dying to which is really difficult for me to understand. Oh well, I fully accept that she doesn't like to give but certainly I can wish she would give more often as I don't think that is wrong of me.

Thanks again for giving your opinions. I can't wait to see what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 8:37am

pappyred, I don't want you to think I'm being nosy and I hope that you do have a great getaway w/your wife and I would hope for the two of you that you are able to bring your expeiences back. I understand were you are coming from because my husband andbe willing to give. I have hit our own icy patches here and there, although instead of it being me saying no, it was him. We got through it and there are still times were I worry that it's going to happen again. I was really miserable when it was happening and felt so rejected, even though my husband NEVER stopped telling me how, beautiful,sexy, wonderful ect. I am. He also didn't realize that he made me feel bad. our problem was 2 diffrent expectations and lack of communication. Which was my fault because, I did not express my feelings. As long as your supportive of your wife and always rember how much you love her it will work out.

I know you said in earlier post that you didn't want to push her by talking about expectations for this weekend, but I think that you should try and talk w/her when you get back. If she is sensitive I believe your wise to wait until after because she could take any discusion wrong, as woman we sometimes do that. But my point was that you to need to talk about the oral sex. Since she's not as hesitant to recieve than she should be willing to give, also. I think there is nothing that brings a couple closer than being able to share in all the diffrent forms of love making. She has to understand that oral sex is diffrent than intercourse and it's something that you to would like to enjoy w/her. She has to remember to share. Maybe she doesn't even realize that your doing all the giving? From a womans prespective, I would never expect my husband to go w/out and it gives me just as much pleasure to give to him as when he gives to me.

Sorry, I'm long winded.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:16am

Well, I just believe when it comes to oral, there is little in between meaning you either enjoy it or you don't. For me, I REALLY enjoy giving and want to do it all the time but for her, she simply does not enjoy giving. When she does, I realize it as a special gift she is giving because I know she does not enjoy doing it. I agree, in a perfect relationship, there should be equal give and receive but there are very few perfect relationships. I refuse to ask for it either because the few times I have asked, I have not got good responses-either flat out no or rolling of the eyes. I do think that sometimes she refuses to let me go down on her because she feels bad that she will not be giving to me. Also, my wife does not O during intercourse so, manual and oral stimulation is the means I use to get her off. She knows that I am going O during intercourse so I think in her mind there is less of need for oral-becuase oral to her is just a part of foreplay, not oral to orgasm (for me). I must add though that early in our relationship, she was often times reluctant to touch my genitals during foreplay but within the last couple years, she routinely touches and strokes me down there. SO, again I have to be careful not to expect too much as she is certainly showing improvements. Also, used to be me on top 90% of the time, now, it is probably me on top 70% of the time as she gets on top sometimes now.

As for talking to her, I have learned that I need to be really careful in how and when I talk to her. The best thing I can do is really support her efforts while she is doing it and after. Tell her how great she makes me feel, how good she is at oral when she does give etc. Postive, postive, positive reinforcement. I really do not need to tell her how much sex I would like to be having because that is not realistic for her right now. Instead I have to focus on the positive improvements. In other words, I would like sex 4-5x a week but knowing that we have come from 1-2x a month now to 4-5x a month, I have to be very positive and thankful for the progress we have made.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:11am

I'm sorry, I hope I didn't offend you in anyway. I agree w/you 100% they only way to be is positive. I wasn't trying to be pushy or bossy, I have a very bad tendency to put my foot in my mouth. I understand were you AND your DW are coming from. My DH and I by no means have a perfect relationship. We have sparkled and faded many times and both of us came a long way and we still have a long, long way to go. In my personal experience(s) w/my DH we both have just now come to realize that one of our biggest problems in our marriage is communication and the lack of it. We both have diffrent self esteem issues that we brought into our marriage and although we are aware of each others issues we have the tendency to forget or overlook them. We don't do it hurt one another or because we don't love each other as we profess, it's simply our lackof communication w/one another.

My DH and I are both stubborn and we also have the tendency not to "give in" right away when it comes to anything in our marriage, not just sex. And often when we try to talk things through one or bot of us ends up getting defensive, but we are learning to grow together and be in harmony(as cheesy as that sounds).

Anyway, my point was that as women we are very self conscious, no matter how wonderful our DH's are. We have a tendency not to here or realize when we are be complimented or pursued. And yes, I agree w/your wife when it comes to recieving, It took me a long time to realize that my husband actually loved to give also, I always assumed that he was doing it "just to be nice".

I didn't mean to imply that she was in anyway wrong for not giving back. Please don't misunderstand me. just to let you know (which I'm sure your already aware of) most women don't O during intercourse, your wife's not alone. I hope she doesn't feel that this is a problem, or or like I use to feel that there was something wrong w/me. I thought I wasn't normal and it actually affected my husband because he thought he was not performing good enough. When in fact almost all women need stim other than intercourse for the big O. thsnks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:23am

No, I am not offended in any way. Communication is a key but my wife is very reluctant to talk about that area of our marriage. She gets so embarrassed and so even though I will try to talk to her about it, she adds little to the conversation. I just have to continue to share with her how I feel, what I like and then hope she soaks it in. It does of course make it difficult to know what she likes or what she wants but I just pay close attention to her reactions and go from there. If I can tell something is working, I go with it or if I see something is not working, I stop.

I don't think her not having O during intercourse bothers or concerns her at all-it bothers me more but I have learned that it is not because I am bad at intercourse. Besides, our foreplay usually consists of me using manual/oral to get her to O and then we move to intercourse. So, you can see that this leads to less oral for me because after I am done with her, she is wanting intercourse and not wanting to give to me. I am really ok with little oral-she has not given me much over the years so I am certainly used to it but a little more would nice. Ideally, she would give me oral until I have an O, then I would pleasure her to O and by then, I would have recovered and be ready for intercourse. My staying power is not the greatest on my first O so that would allow me to get the first one out of the way and then I would last much longer. The few times we have had a round two in our marriage, my staying power is GREAT for time #2. Of course greater frequency also has the same effect on my ability to last. Now, that being said, my wife has never complained about how long I last because in most cases, she has already had an O and she is quite content. In fact, sometimes if I am going too long, she tells me I am going to have to O as she is getting tired/sore.

I just look forward to some very passionate and romantic sex this weekend. I think it has the potential to be a very special night for us and bring us even closer together-that is my hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 12:48pm

I want to thank you for sharing w/me and I think you are doing just the right things w/your DW. I'm sure that at times it can seem frustrting but I think that everyone feels that way atleast sometime or other in relationships. I know I am not the perfect DW and my DH is not perfect either. However, we love each other deeply, we respect each other, and we're compassionate. My DH and I have been through alot and sometimes it seems like it will never end, but all the bad times have only made the good that much sweeter. And everyone goes through ups and downs, so we're not unique. And as corny as this may sound we rely on our LOVE for each other. Thats how we survive day to day. We always know that no matter what we count on each other. And from the communications you've shared I can tell that you and your DW have that same commitment. I think it's wonderful.

As long as you keep doing what your doing physically and emotionally everything will be O.K. But you already know that. One of the things I cherish about my DH is that I know that I can always trust him, trust is so important and one of my "issues that I brought to our marriage because of past experiences. I know that I occasionally get on his last nerve over that "issue" but because he knows the emotions that are tied to it, he understands(even if annoyed at times). And I am the just as understanding as he is(or atleast I try)w/his issues.

I also wanted to let you know about some diffrent sites that I go to better understand my DH. @www.webmd.com/healthandsex(there are several areas here that give great info and expert advice on everything you can think of regaurding sex, among other things) I also really liked and got alot of info off of the Mismatched Libido Message board right here on ivillage. I'm sure you've already seen this board, but thought i'd mention it. Oh, and surprisingly(for me) a site called www.Ask.men.com was very informative. AskMen.com is how I ended up on ivillage one of there articles linked me here since it was contributed by ivillage. I'll warn you incase you've never been to this one it's not for the faint of heart. Well just some "food for thought"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 4:05pm

Thanks for the site references. I have viewed the mismatch page and I can see that my wife and I would fit in that category for sure. But, I am really trying to stay positive so that board is not a good fit because it has more of a negative tone. I might try the others you mention.

We will see what happens during our night away. It has been nearly 4 years since we have been away together and so this is a big event without question. I just wish it could be for two nights instead of one but beggers can't be choosers. I am going to really just chill and let things happen. I have really thought about it and I believe that is my best option. I don't want her to think this trip is all about getting it on because it really isn't. It is about spending quality time together whatever we decide to do. Hopefully the romantic setting, coupled with freedom of not having the kids or chores at home will allow her to focus on just us. In that process, hopefully that leads to a lot of sex. If not, I will still enjoy spending time with her. I still have in my mind three sexual encounters during that period of time but I am going to try to be happy regardless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:25pm
Like the other posters said, just keep the romance coming! The more romantic a man is with me, the more I want him. You may also want to get some lube if you don't already have it. Most of us women experience a little dryness now and then, and the lube just really helps to keep things going and not ruin the mood! Can't wait to hear what happens!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 9:55am

Aww ... its sweet you want to do what makes her feel comfortable too. After being the HL person in a marriage with a very LL partner I can totally relate to you wanting to get some satisfaction out of this yourself.

Personally I think all the advice you got is great! But I would advise waiting to bring her to the point of actual sex. Definitely romance her but give her time to get settled and comfortable in the room. I would even suggest asking her if she would like to take a walk around the grounds for a little bit so she doesn't feel pressured.

I do wish you the best of luck. Sounds like it will be a wonderful time!