New here, with a question....
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New here, with a question....
| Mon, 08-15-2005 - 2:30pm |
Hi Everyone.
My situation is...
I've been with my SO for six months (best friends for 5yrs.) and we recently moved in together. And sex isn't a big deal to him, he came from a relationship where once every 3 months was normal. I will admit that i'm high maintenence when it comes to sex, I want it all the time, and variety. He doesn't. I don't think that at least 4-5 times a week is too much, is it? And are there any ways to make him a little less inhibited in bed? I've asked him to do things but he says no. I'm not asking for anything out of the ordinary either. I don't know what to do.


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This sounds like a case of clashing libidos, if ever there was one. I don't understand why you would move in with someone knowing that your needs won't be met. You can't make him what he's not. You say he "came from" a relationship where sex once every three months was normal. Did it occur to you that it's "normal" for him......possibly the reason he's out of the relationship is because his ex's needs weren't being met either?
Anyone who marries or moves in with someone who's not satisfying them, whether it's sex, or sociability, or anything else is in for a rude awakening. You don't change them. And, usually, after the fact, they get worse.
He doesn't want to change. Who says he's inhibited? Maybe he's just not all that interested in sex! He doesn't seem interested in changing to please you.....so you have two choices......YOU change to please him....or re-think the relationship.
Libido comes from hormones, and from the brain. Hormone problems can be fixed, but first he has to see a doctor to be tested. That's a possibility.....but it's also possible that his hormones are fine.......it's the mental/emotional side of him that is just not interested.
He tries to blame his lack of interest on stress. And in his last relationship his gf was the one who never wanted sex. We were best friends before we started dating so I got to know all the details of the previous relationship. I think she was a big time cheater, and that's why she never wanted him.
But anyways. I just don't understand how anyone could turn someone down who is willing to do whatever would please him. I always try to talk to him to find out what things would excite him, make it more pleasurable. He says just regular sex is fine. It wasn't like this in the beginning and I thought that just as the relationship would progress so would our sex life.
No matter what he's told you about his last relationship......you were not there, and you're only hearing HIS side of the story. He says he wanted it more often but SHE didn't! But, his behavior now says something different. Again, you only know what he tells you, and he told you she was a big time cheater......which doesn't necessarily mean she didn't want sex with him. MAYBE she was cheating because he wasn't fulfilling her needs. No matter what, it doesn't matter what happened in his last relationship. What matters is what is happening in THIS relationship.
You say in the beginning, it wasn't like this....so it's obvious he's capable of more frequent sex. Sex is always more frequent in the beginning of a relationship...and sometimes it continues, but other times, it doesn't. In your case, it's not happening. It sounds like he was doing what he had to do to "get you". Now that he's got you, he's reverted to his old ways.
You need to sit him down and talk to him out of the bedroom and tell him what you want and need from a relationship. If he wants to stay with you, then he has to compromise...although it's going to be very hard to find a middle ground with someone who wants sex 4 times a year......when you want it 4 times a week! Even once a week sounds like it will be too much for him!
There is nothing you can do other than find a compromise that's acceptable to both of you. If you can't do that, then it's time to either move on, or realize that your sex life is going to be infrequent at best, and accept THAT. You can't make him change, you can only tell him what you're feeling, and if he wants to make the relationship last, he has to make some MAJOR changes. He needs to understand that.
I understand what you are saying. It makes sense, but comes off a little in an accusing and hostile way. I appreciate your input, that's why i came to this board. But these are sensitive subjects that require sensitive responses.
And no, I don't know everything that went on in his last relationship. And he isn't the sort of person who would give me what I want in the begining just to hook me. I'm thinking maybe he has just settled into a routine and gotten comfortable. I'm just looking for ways to break out of it. Get his interest. All my past relationships we both had a HL. So this is all new to me. We do have sex at least 1-2 times a week, but it comes with much resistance sometimes and that makes me feel like I'm getting pity sex. I don't want that. I want to feel desirable, doesn't everyone?
Compromising and finding a middle ground
"If he wasn't like this at first, did it change when you moved in together?"
This started before we moved in, I started to realize that I was always initiating.
"Is moving in something he really wanted and does he still want it?"
He would never have made that kind of commitment with me if he didn't want to, I know that one for sure.
Maybe I'm just being too demanding. He does seem to be a lot more willing when he isn't stressed by work. But I cannot do anything to help what's going on at work. Is that really fair that our sex life suffers because his job is going badly?
Well, anyways. I see what you mean about compromise. Maybe I shouldn't take this all so personally, not feel like he doesn't want me anymore, maybe just outside influences are changing things? I will check out that board. Thanks again.
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Tish-
Are we living the same lives? Sounds just like my house. Between us we have 4 kids, just moved into a new house and he works about 6o hours a week too. But I've always tried to keep all that stuff separate from life in the bedroom.
"He wants to come home, get a shower, grab a beer and go to sleep. I could do cartwheel's naked throughout the house or swing from a chandelier and he wouldn't notice. "
This makes me luagh because i'd swear you are peeping in my windows saying word for word what's going on. Its a relief to know that other people have gone through the same things. I just felt like I'm 25, he is 28 I didn't think we'd get to here until we were together for 30 years.
Maybe I'm just expecting too much under the current circumstances. Maybe I'm the one who needs to do a little compromising and understanding. I really didn't think of it in that way, i guess i was being selfish in thinking that he should be ready to go when i am.
Thanks so much for showing me a different side to this. I think now i can understand whats going on. He isn't tired of me, just tired from all the responsibilities in life. Wow, I feel so much better!
Hi Bubbles,
Within a relationship there is only one thing that stays the same: Change. Relationships and individuals are in a constant state flux. Nothing is static. What I mean by this is that this too shall pass.
Communication, compromise and compassion are the things that will make a relationship work. Soulmates are not found, they are made...so give yourself and your bf a break and let things happen as they happen. What you are experiencing is just part of being in a relationship. You know, we all have issues come up and for some reason we assume that our particular drama is somehow unique...guess what? It isn't. Just for fun, do a search on these websites for posts about those that A) Don't get enough B) think their partners want sex too much. You will literally find hundreds and hundreds. Mismatched libidos is actually the norm.
My suggestion to you would be to keep the lines of communication open. This means that expressing your needs and feelings, but also listening to his. Most of us suck at both expressing our needs (we think those people that love us should know what we want) and listening to others needs. Rather than listening, we tend to project our needs and motivations onto others. I have been with my wife not for almost 20 years and though we know each other better than any other, we can never know completely what it's like to be the other person and we can never assume. THis is actually good, because it keeps out lives interesting and growing.
Good luck,
Scott.
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