new relationship: he's a virgin, i'm not
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 9:35pm |
I really just need advice.. none of my friends have been in a situation like this. I'm 19 years old, and I started dating my boyfriend about 3 months ago. I'm his first girlfriend, and he's very sweet, but naive. He is always saying how much he loves me; this started very early in the relationship. I love him too, and we're on the same page now, emotionally.
However, I'm really frustrated because we haven't had sex yet. I was in a relationship before this one (that was mostly about sex, so my new relationship is very new in a lot of ways), and I've had sex before, but my boyfriend is a virgin. He was kind of hurt when he learned that I've had sex, and "doesn't want to hurt me." I think this is because I was really emotional when I told him I've had sex before.
I initiated our first kiss, and ever since, he's gone absolutely mad for it. However, I always have to initiate conversations about sex (i've brought it up two or three times), which is frustrating. Physically, we've done everything except have sexual intercourse, and he doesn't seem very willing to discuss sexual things with me, except within a hypothetical context. Frankly, I'm tired of undressing, only to have "dry sex," when we should really just be having sex. We both enjoy each other, physically, but I really want to have sex with him. I don't know how to move our relationship in that direction. Any suggestions? Thanks.

Has he expressed that he doesn't want to have sex? If not, why don't you just say "Let's have sex." Maybe he's reluctant because he doesn't know how to do it. Maybe he feels since you are experienced you will judge him if he doesn't do it perfectly the first time. Or maybe he is just emotionally not ready. Not sure what the 'doesn't want to hurt you' thing is about -- have you asked him to elaborate on this point? Another possibility is that he may know your last relationship was mostly about sex and doesn't want a repeat of that with him.
Maybe your BF wants to wait..... I know that guys are supposed to be hornier than ..... but maybe he believes that you are truely special, and that he wants to wait for sex, until you are in a much stronger relationship. I was that way in college. There were girls/women who were special to me, and although, I wanted to make love with them, I wanted to wait to keep that special until later in our relationship. I am not saying that I was a virgin when I married my DW, (but our first time to make love was on our wedding night). I had my share of one night stands. I think when he is ready, he will be more willing. He may not want to push the issue because he is afraid he might come on as too aggressive and that you would dump him. Talk to him about it ....
CH
I agree, Chahn. This is exactly how my DH felt, and our same situation, as well.
Not all men want to hop in the sack immediately. They want their first time to mean something.
And there's another possibility that no one has mentioned. He may have some abuse in his past. Boys can be sexually abused as well and it can have lasting effects on their sexuality.
Edited 4/25/2006 11:12 am ET by katmandoo2001