New relationship no sex!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
New relationship no sex!
5
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:13pm
Hello to all-I have finally found my Mr. Right-he is everything I have been looking for and more-sweet, smart, handsome, attentive, etc. We have been dating for 8 weeks and have fooled around twice. He is experiencing delayed orgasm from Zoloft, and shared with me that it has affected his solo sex life as well. He is 38 and just got out of a marriage in which his wife was unfaithful. Has been separated for 1 year and divorced for a few months. He has been receiving counseling and seems to be totally over her and almost over the pain of the divorce. He has been on Zoloft for depression. My question is this-he tells me daily how beautiful I am, how much he likes me, that he could see us having a permanent future together, but there doesn't seem to be a "normal" level of sexual aggression from him. I asked him about it and he said he wants to take the physical part of our relationship slow-"You are special and this relationship is special. I don't want to rush it." I fully believe that he is close to falling in love with me, but am so confused about why he is not climbing all over me like other men I have dated. Last night we cuddled for 2 hours in my bed (with clothes). And it was fantastic to be that close to him, yet I wanted to rip his clothes off. He fell asleep.

WHAT GIVES???!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 2:16pm
Well, a big part of it is probably his sexual ability at the moment. He would want to make love to you and be sure that you both enjoy it (especially you). But because he is suffering from delayed ejeculation he knows that he is not performing as well as he could be. This is likely to have an immense impact on him. He's quite possibly holding back until he knows he can perform well.

I would also question whether or not he really is over the failed marriage and subsequent divorce. Everyone is different, but I know a couple of guys that have had failed marriages and not one of them was ready to commit to anything after only 12 months or less. Myself, I needed two years before I could even contemplate getting into a relationship - let alone a committed one. Of course it makes a difference if he was the dumper or the dumpee.

The question is that if his life is so good now, why is he still taking antidepressants??

Until he has been able to work through his former marriage, the breakup and divorce, pack those bags and discard that baggage, he won't be the person that you want him to be. Emotionally or sexually or even to show his normal personality.

Time and quiet support is the only thing that is going to help him here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 2:22pm

I would say


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 3:49pm
Thanks to both Tish and Westridge. I think you both have great points. Tish, the insight on what it's like to be on antidepressants was great. Novacaine, huh? Not fun. Westridge, good point on him holding back because he is not performing well. I guess i was thinking of it from the perspective of if had ED, I could totally relate to why he wouldn't want to try, but you are correct, I am sure this condition makes him nervous too!

To answer your question about the antidepressants, he has indicated that he will talk to his Dr. about getting off of them. However, as someone who has taken similar medication, I would rather see him stay on them until he is sure he doesn't need themit would do our budding relationship no good if he got off them too soon! I like Tish's advice on other meds, he will see his doctor tomorrow and discuss.

Thanks again! Other comments appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 4:26pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 4:34pm
Good luck with everything.



Personally I'm not big about taking things like antidepressants to help with things like marriage breakups and the stress of that. I believe that there is a place for antidepressants but I'm not sure that their place is to help with the "normal" stresses of life. I don't think that it necessarily helps anything and just masks the problem to a degree.

Which is odd, because I was occasionally taking some earlier in the year to help me with work-related stress induced panic attacks (it's a looooong story) in a situation that I couldn't leave at that time. I think that he should get off the meds as soon as possible.