NEWSWEEK story about women's infidelity

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
NEWSWEEK story about women's infidelity
38
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:11pm
Has anyone seen the new issue( 7/12) of NEWSWEEK with the cover story , "The New Infidelity" about how more wives are cheating, too?

Any reactions? Opinions?

I just got married and I'm not the least bit worried about my DW, but I have to admit it's not welcome news to hear that so many wives are cheating now.

taoist

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 4:54am
Tish, if I'm understanding you and Yas correctly, men cheating and sleeping around is viewed as typical whereas ladies doing it is broadly considered to be whorish. , then I agree with you both on that thinking. If I didn't get it right, then I'm sure there's someone out there who feels this way anyway. ;)

My thought though is on the "why" if you will. There's such an extraordinary number of "miss perfects" in the world who would NEVER admit to doing anything wrong, to say nothing about cheating or sleeping around. The talk by them many times is like fuel to the fire when it comes to what the women rarely do wrong and what the men constantly do wrong, again I say, in this case its sex related.

I think the "perceptions" toward women and then toward men regarding their sexual preferences continues to set the tone more than the actual acts themselves. Everywhere you turn you'll likely hear or even read that "the men" this and "the men" that.

Just look at the examples on this message board, lol. So many sentences and questions and topics start out with: "Why do men..." or "Men are..." or "When guys..." this or that and what have you, and the kicker is that very often are guilty too. So the trend by even the groups of women themselves doesn't really help break down the generalization regarding "men." Furthermore, unless the ladies who feel so much more comfortable in this female stick together message board bubble the comfort zone and actually get the REAL perception about themselves through the male point of view on other message boards, then they will always have just ivillage's point of view. So what feels so surprising 'here' is certainly not on the others.

It really is the men who have it pointed out so much when they are not sexually committed and the ladies are so often deemed as so much better than that. Again, thats in THIS world here. In reality outside of posting all the time, I'm willing to bet that many of the ladies who virtually 'live' here would actually be surprised to here a typical guy say something like this:

"Why is it that when I sleep around I'm a pig or a typical man, but when a girl does it she is either hot or simply sexually active or just being a typical 'man'?"

Keeping this post within context of my core message, I think I'm just as surprised and disappointed right along with you and Yas, but I think in a little bit of a different way.

hubby p


Edited 7/14/2004 4:58 am ET ET by para1995

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 7:42am
The cover story for this week's Newsweek hit me like a ton of bricks. I have not physically cheated on my husband but have had several cases of emotional infidelity. It is not something I am proud of but it is also not something that I will beat myself up over either. Life is complicated, marriage is complicated, and when you add children to the formula it is sometimes necessary to transform the concept of marriage to suit your individual needs. Some issues cannot be worked out, and sometimes there is no way to try any harder to make things work.

In my particular case, life was moving along smoothly enough and then a man entered my life at work. He had a profound understanding about me as a professional, something my husband has been unable and/or unwilling to grasp in 24 years together. Slowly, over the course of three years, this man and I became friends. A life altering event, that neither of our spouses could give us support on led us to lean on each other. The friendship took on more of a flirtation aspect. We kissed once, and both ran scared. We no longer see each other.

During that flirtation I was alive, and it influenced every aspect of my life. I was more enthusiastic at work, more spirited at home, and definitely a happier mom for my children.

Recently I have tried to recapture some of the thrill for life I had during the flirtation. Two months ago, I wandered into the chat rooms and have had a series of sexual chats. Also, I posted a few comments on several ivillage boards, and received messages from two men that I continue to have e-mail contact with.

The thing that I have learned from my experiences during the past year, is an old cliche, you can't judge a person until you've walked in their shoes.

Yas, I want to thank you for your posting. It gave me much needed support. I wish everyone could understand.

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anonymous user
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:49am
I know there are a number of women who cheat who are ,say, over 40. Im wondering why so many cheat who are in their late 20`s and early 30`s. One theory could be ,while in college,(or in that age group) many of these women learn to have sex just like a man. Meaning, its all about the sex and no emotional attatchment, or involvment. If the marriage gets boring, why not go "have some fun". They already know how, and its very easy to get naked with a new man, because they have done it so many times before. On the other hand, maybe they sowed their wild oats in college ,didnt like the "walk of shame" feeling they had afterwards, and know monogomy is much better. I think it can work either way, and it boils down to the present relationship and how committed they are and how they treat each other.I do feel, however, that people who had many sex partners remember the thrill of "newness" and maybe never really get over missing it.Ofcourse not all who were like that at a younger age will eventually be a cheater, but Im thinking the odds are greater with them.
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Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 9:07am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 10:17am
I'm a little disturbed that some of the reponses here seemed to think that this trend of wives cheating is simply women being liberated to do what men have always done. Cheating is wrong whether it's done by a man or a woman. Hey, violent crime by women is way up. Is this a sign of women's equality? You go, girl! No, It's WRONG!

Also it was the tone of the NEWSWEEK article that really put me off. Like this is the hip, new thing to do.Someone over on askmen.com ( where almost no one, male or female, defended this behavior) summed it up pretty well:

>>I would have expected the article to be about how absolutely devastating cheating can be in a marriage because that's how cheating ends...in total devastation for at least one party. But the more I read, the more it seemed like an advertisement for Virginia Slims. "Cheat...it's the new thing for the new hip generation."

This article is really shameless. It adds insult to injury by including pictures of idiotic husbands who seem oblivous of their cheating spouses. There is a picture of a couple in a deep embrace...with the boyfriend hiding under a rug. Oh that's so original, give these guys a freakin' hand.

Cheating is WRONG, immoral, disgusting, etc... Demonize it! Don't make it seem cool. I felt like I was reading a teenage magazine. <<

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Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 10:52am

I agree Taoist that cheating is wrong under any circumstance.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:03am
Taoist, I hadn't read the article when I posted(and still haven't). I thought that you wanted "reasons" why more women are cheating, which was the angle with which I answered.

I agree that cheating for either gender is wrong and it would seem that this growing trend might bring the sexes further apart instead of closer together. That there's some kind of competition for the higher percentage. Right now(as far as they can tell) the percentage of men who cheat is higher. Are women trying to outdo this? Seems fruitless....like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Cheating is a choice and a wrong choice at that, for either sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:04am
I couldn't agree more. This is what I replied on another board you posted this to...

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Then another poster replied in saying that I cannot judge something I have never experienced. Unfortunately, I have been there and I regret it although it may have seemed like the right thing to do at the time, it is still wrong. This is what I replied to her...

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In the case that children are in the relationship, and both parties consent to it, fine. Just make sure the children are completely oblivious to it because believe it or not, children pick up on those kinds of things very quickly. I grew up in a situation much like that (although my dad didn't know my mother was cheating) and I really wish she would have left him much sooner than she did. BTW, I was nine when they finally divorced and it was two or three years previous that I knew something was going on and it wasn't right. Two parents aren't always better than one, especially if the relationship between the parents is bad. Better to grow up with one happy parent then two unhappy ones that fight all the time. Been there, done that, and I will never put my children through that if I get to that point (of having kids) and if my relationship goes south. But, if both parties are great friends but no longer lovers and they both consent to it, best of luck to them in keeping things real with each other still and hiding all factors fo the goings-on from the kids. I cannot stress that enough...
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Registered: 05-21-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:07am
It seems so many people have 'just 'round the corner syndrome' whereby they are always looking to trade up...if there's a HINT of a problem suddenly they (Men and Women alike, i'm no more horrified by women cheating than men- but was especially disturbed by that article for MANY of the same reasons as taoist was)...they assume 'well i can do better than this' and split!

i would imagine much of it comes from our nature to consume, bigger better job, pay, house, car- and that translates to relationships...

now again, i've never been married, and i do COMPLETELY understand some relationships do need to end- but why cheat?? get out of your relationship first?? has anyone seen the movie 'dinner with friends'- with greg kinnear, toni collete, andie macdowell and dennis quaid? it was a GREAT movie about a relationship ending because of cheating and the impact it has on that couple and their best friends...some one brought up the impact on children too- you don't just cheat on your partner, in a way it's a betrayal of everyone in your world- that's what i got anyway from that movie....i would DEF recommend it!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:51pm
10-4 tish!

It really IS out there, isn't it? Men and women truly do get viewed differently when it comes to uncommitted sex. When men do it, its their nature. When women do it, they're whorish. Very much the perception.

Lets also remember that before men or women even get THAT far, the women are perceived as being "better than that" while the men are generally perceived as people who can't wait to do it sometimes. In other words, I'm referring to the perceptions of BOTH before & after the deeds are done...heck...if even done at all.

Too bad people can't just view one another individually instead of always referring to one another in classifications all the time. I know that sounds unrealistic, but just because things happen doesn't mean we have to like it all the time anyway I guess.

Oh well, men will be men and women will be women in the eyes of all the "omniscient" beholders out there, huh? LOL!!! I haven't noticed such an incredible amount of female perception by the guys on male message boards as much as I've noticed vice versa from boards like this one. I'll investigate more, I must have missed something, ay?

;)

;)

 

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