Newsweek - Why get married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Newsweek - Why get married?
132
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:24pm
There are some interesting responses to the Newsweek article on cheating wives which brings up a question? Why do people still want to get married, on the affair support board many are wanting to marry their affair partner and start the perfect life. If you are a male the court system is going to destroy you in a divorce so why keep getting married. Just a note to start, I think there have allways been just about the same amount on cheating women as men (who would the men have sex with, so it has to be about the same). A recent college study with a lie detector showed that women lie about sex questions and that throws off surveys that don't use them. Over all the percent of cheating women and men has increased over the past thirty years as well as the divorce rate. Currently, according to paternity lab results, about 30% of children in divorce cases were not fathered by the husband.

Getting married is a huge gamble with your life and the current success rate is less than 50%. I am currently married and have been for a long time but if I were ever divorced or a young person starting out I don't think I would ever marry. The odds of being betrayed are just too great.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:48am
It's all about the wedding, not about the marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 10:21am
I agree completely - people are spending way too much money on their weddings and not taking the vows seriously. I think I put JT through a loop when I told him I would be perfectly happy going to the courthouse and having a judge marry us - I don't need all that fancy stuff. But he wants to give me the wedding I have dreamed about since I was a little girl, even though it is nothing extravagent, we can't afford it on our *tight* budget. We are in the process of setting a date, going to the courthouse and then having another wedding in a few years where we can have the outside wedding I want with only close friends and family when we can afford it, one the same day as the courthouse marriage. It gets me all exctied knowing that we are finally taking these steps as I feel we have been engaged forever! LOL
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 10:47am
Ok, I believe in the love will conquer all cliche but not to the point where I am miserable and it is obvious that the relationship should end, and that maybe it already has, no one has just spoken up to literally end it. I believe that love conquers all, if the love is truely there for *both* parties and if it is really meant to be. I mean, how can two people who have been thrown constantly in each other's lives by fate, then one gets taken away from the other and then they continue to coincidentally bump into each other with feelings growing stronger each time, ignore those feelings because of a bumpy road? In cases like that (which was very much how it was when JT and I first started dating), how can you ignore something that is so obvious? I mean, every relationship has its ups and downs but now a days, once a couple hits one rough patch, they go screaming divorce before they even try to work through it? Doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes when I hear the rediculous reasons some people get divorced, I think that they shouldn't be allowed to happen - just like divorces were unheard of in the European coutries for a long time. LOL Not being serious, just couples who get married should explore all the options they have before divorcing - marriage counseling, trial separation, all the things that go with that and *if* they still don't work out, then they can say that they really tried and they just can't make the marriage work and they can divorce.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:11am
What I believe is that America and much of the western countries have become "Short Attention Span Theater". We have fast food, quick communications, we have throw away tv's and VCR's. We want our books to have short chapters. Many of us can barely watch a thirty minute television show without "surfing". The same thing has happened to our relationships...if they are not exactly the way that we project that they should be we dispose of them. The sad part about that is many never get to the point where they are able settle in and love the other for who they are, not for who we want them to be. Sure, we love our partners as long as they are pretending to be everything that we want, but as soon as we get tired of living our lives as actors...as soon as we have the opportunity for REAL intimacy, we or our partners decide to move on. I thank God every day that I have someone in my life that is willing to put up with all of my crap...in fact, she loves all of my crap and I love hers.

One day things will turn. People will remember what's really important in life, and it's not more stuff: a bigger car, a bigger house, more gadgets and fast food. It's relationships...it's spending enough time with someone to really know them...it's feeling safe enough with someone to really be known, and loved despite the fact that we are imperfect. Perfect is BORING! Give me a beautifully, perfectly imperfect partner any day of the week.

Peace.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:25pm
Ok, txguy, what decade are you living in that you think only men get screwed in divorces? I just had to refinance the house so I could pay off the loser I was married to. He also got a huge chunk of MY retirement assets. And, I was the one who made the lion's share of the income over the years while he made sure he had the kind of job that permitted him to go for his daily swim every lunchtime. But I digress...

I personally did not feel any need to remarry ever again when my divorce went through last year. I'm not going to have any more children, and I can support myself. I have a job and I have healthcare, and there would be no social stigma in my community about simply living together, so there seem to be no purely practical reasons. For young couples planning to have children, I would still advocate marriage, but it's not absolutely necessary.

The one advice I would give to anyone, male or female, is that marriage shouldn't replace the responsibility for taking care of yourself. I personally think it's foolish to go into a marriage at any age and become totally dependent on the other person. You realistically need to think about what you would do to support yourself in the case of divorce or death. Make sure you have some resources available to you so that you can stand on your own if need be. You just shouldn't bury your head in the sand.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:50pm
Its called the "no matter what" syndrome. If you haven't loved someone and remained in love "no matter what" happens, then your love has limits. If it didn't, then "no matter what" is the #1 identifiable trait of your marriage.

For me & Mrs. Para, marriage is not about being happy. Its not about finding that perfect someone who will fulfill our lives. Marriage is about one single thing only:

being in love with that soul mate "no matter what" happens...EVER!

Yes some view that as unrealistic, but if you haven't loved someone that much, then you'll never comprehend just how realistic it actually is.

As I've said on topics like this before, unless something has changed, the Christopher Reeve situation is still one of the great examples of a genuine marriage. It is based on limitless love.

Marriage isn't about loving your partner until something goes wrong, its about "no matter what." If betrayal keeps you from loving your mate, then why did you marry? Love should NEVER be the result of trust...that places love in the category, and marriage is suppose to be that one single love union that has no limits and no conquerors.

Just our opinions.

Mr. & Mrs. Para

:)

:P

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 1:52pm
Well said Mr. and Mrs. Para :0).

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:30pm

I must disagree with "no matter what".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:33pm
1) To everybody: reply 17 speaks of how marriage works, does not speak for everybody.

2) Thanks scott. Wifey's received quicker replies by others around here for less significant topics, so she's super curious about this one, LOL!!, and so am I. ;]

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:48pm

I appreciate that it is how *your* marriage works, but would you

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