Newsweek - Why get married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Newsweek - Why get married?
132
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:24pm
There are some interesting responses to the Newsweek article on cheating wives which brings up a question? Why do people still want to get married, on the affair support board many are wanting to marry their affair partner and start the perfect life. If you are a male the court system is going to destroy you in a divorce so why keep getting married. Just a note to start, I think there have allways been just about the same amount on cheating women as men (who would the men have sex with, so it has to be about the same). A recent college study with a lie detector showed that women lie about sex questions and that throws off surveys that don't use them. Over all the percent of cheating women and men has increased over the past thirty years as well as the divorce rate. Currently, according to paternity lab results, about 30% of children in divorce cases were not fathered by the husband.

Getting married is a huge gamble with your life and the current success rate is less than 50%. I am currently married and have been for a long time but if I were ever divorced or a young person starting out I don't think I would ever marry. The odds of being betrayed are just too great.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 9:02am

I've been where you are.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 9:38am
Apologies – my last comment was a bit dumb. I don’t have a problem with marriage in fact; I have a problem with divorce laws. I think these are disastrous for both men and women. But there are a couple of differences that make the prospect of marriage for a man especially scary.

First, if you break up, you will almost certainly be separated from your children. If you’re lucky you will see them a couple of times a week. If you’re unlucky, your wife could prevent you from seeing them at all by denying access, or even moving away. The courts rarely seem to help men in this situation.

Courts are often also extremely savage to men in financial settlements. I have worked very hard for everything I have in my life, and a divorce would mean I would have to give half away, REGARDLESS of who was to blame for the divorce. You can also be hit with having to pay your future earnings and end up a slave to your job, paying alimony to someone who cheated on you and ran out. Of course this works for women too, but in practice I believe it is fair to say that the courts tend to be more sympathetic to women.

The question was, ‘Why get Married’. There have been a lot of great posts here, and some of them deal with the arguments against marriage, but none of them actually come up with a good reason TO get married.

Actually I do believe in marriage – but I believe it should be a real commitment, and current divorce laws mean that it is not.

You say that everything in life is a gamble, but I can’t think of many things that are as much of a gamble. And I think you don’t appreciate just how much of a gamble it is from the male perspective. Losing the children you’ve grown to love must be an unbearable experience, and it happens to divorced men ALL the time, whether they’ve done anything to deserve it or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 10:15am

Romeo, I can certainly see you point about divorce and especially loosing kids and/or having very limited time with them because of divorce.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 11:20am
I totally agree with everything you said - BUT...

"One good reason TO get married.........Wanting and planning on spending the rest of your life with someone you love and who loves you. Having a family if kids are something you both want. Being the most important thing in someones life and having someone be the most important thing to you."

You can have all this without marriage.I think this is what txguy was originally getting at - we don't actually need marriage to provide any of these things. So why do it? For me I proposed because I wanted to make the ultimate gesture of devotion to my girlfriend. But thinking about it, marriage is not much of a gesture any more! What I want is a contract that guarantees I'll be executed if I ever leave her, and all I can offer is "marriage". Which guarantees her what exactly? That I'll get half her stuff if I decide to run off with another woman! That's why I feel divorce laws have stuffed up the whole concept of marriage.

Congratulations on your own marriage though - It's great to hear some success stories for a change!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 11:48am
The laws reflect the attitude of the people. IF people no longer respect the institution and the vows of marriage, then blame that, not the laws. WE create the laws. But by saying that you don't want to risk marriage, you're essentially saying that you can't make a promise, in good faith, and stick to it. Aren't you?

My DH and I have been together for 28 years and yes, it's hard to be married. It's NOT the easy road to take but it's BY FAR the most satisfying and rewarding one.


Edited 7/30/2004 12:00 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:31pm
No. I CAN make that promise. I have made it and I will stick to it. But I didn't make it by asking her to marry me. My whole point is that you can now get married without making that kind of promise - people can break up at any time for any reason with no blame. I feel marriage should demand a REAL promise.

However I also feel that NOT being married should be a valid lifestyle choice. Is there some reason your husband and you could not have been happy together for 28 years without being married?

You haven't understood what I was saying. Did you not read my comment that I'm "looking for a commitment that guarantees I'll be executed if I ever leave her?" Doesn't that sound like I want to "make a promise and stick to it"?

I don't want to make a promise that allows me to walk out as soon as I'm bored. What kind of commitment is that? I want a promise that means I can't. Otherwise, what's the point of getting married at all?

Which was the original question, which you have not attempted to answer. So as well as making an unpleasant and hurtful accusation, you've contributed nothing to the debate.

I'm not sure what distinction you're making between laws and the people who make them, but if it makes you happy, fine I'll blame the people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:40pm
Isn't this an interesting thread? So many people suggesting that marriage has no value. And a number of people who believe we can have exactly the same thing without getting married. Txguy even thinks that in the future there won't be any marriages. If marriage has no value and is an outdated idea, why are we in the US fighting so hard to prevent homosexuals from marrying? Are we just trying to protect them from the marriage trap? Or is it more likely that we do hold marriage as something sacred and therefore it does have a very special meaning? What started this thread was why marry when there is a great possibility that your spouse will betray you with infidelity? I know of some marriages where infidelity has been an issue. But you know, not many of them ended in divorce. As I said before, there are many forms of betrayal but marriages can and do survive them. Marriage is a commitment unlike other forms of commitment. Not because of our laws but because of our beliefs. Until the beliefs in our society change, marriage will always have meaning. And while there may be a few people who claim that we no longer believe in marriage, the fact that marriage rate is on the rise and that we are fighting so hard to keep homosexuals from marrying is evidence that we still believe.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:00pm
Well put Robin. All the emotional reasons aside, you can really get screwed over if one person dies if you two aren't married. No social security benefits etc(I'm talking about the US). Most states don't even recognize common law marriages.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:27pm
Thank you for your kind words. I took your suggestion and did print out my post for future reference and guidance too. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:34pm

<?>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Pages